Won't stop affair. Want divorce now.

[Lost!]

Getting my book tomorrow and the only DB available now is at 11:30pm. I already called and will start on Thursday. I'm actually making some effort. I look into some meet up group for the weekend and other support group around me. I signed up at my old gym couple of hrs ago. I'm starting that tomorrow.

[MrBond]

Going back through your posts, I don't see you mentioning anything about any problems you and your W might have had. I understand that the A is her deal, but was there ANYTHING that pointed to marital problems? It really sounds like you paint yourself as a real giver in the R with no faults so I had to ask.

[Lost!]

@mr bond

The only mistake I made was supporting her dream to become a physician. I allow her to travel to different state for her clinical rotations, I pay her rent and give her everything she need to be comfortable. She never made mention of any issue. I saw some changes but never discuss it with her thinking that goes with the stress of school. I was also very understanding of her raising our daughter by herself. Even though I traveled every month and give them everything she need. I know a woman need more than that to survive. I know a woman need others things other just being a provider. But my situation will not allow me to just up move. Bills need to paid. We all need to eat. It was a joint decision for me to stay to provide for the family. I was lonely because she was my best friend but what can a man do when you don't have any other option. She told me the other day that the disconnection started a year and half ago. She never mention anything until everything is set for her. School is done. Training position secured. She never asked for divorce all this yrs but not until when everything is set for her. I honestly think I was used.

[MrBond]

"The only mistake I made was supporting her dream to become a physician."

Pardon me if I think your answer doesn't sound genuine. Every relationship has their conflicts. All I've heard so far is how great you are which we have to take with a grain of salt because we're only hearing your side.

You may feel you were used, but it seems like you weren't and that what happened was a result of not being together. It happens all the time in long distance relationships. YOU may have thought that you were giving enough emotionally to your W, but SHE probably didn't think so.

How open were you and your W to talking to each other? Was she comfortable at telling you things that bothered her? Did you "lead" the conversations before or were you able to be a good listener? Think hard about that before you answer.

[Lostforwords]

"The only mistake I made was supporting her dream to become a physician."

I agree with Mr. B on this one Lost!.....and his questions you do need to think about.

At some point Lost!, you have to ownership of what was your part in this marriage...whether it was good or bad. At the moment you are making it all about your wife, yet nothing about you. What was your part....and I don't mean paying the bills, because we got that. How do you communicate? Do you listen AND hear? How are you with your daughter? Think about this stuff....it takes time to honestly answer yourself in the mirror.

[ericmsant2]

Lost

I'm going for joint custody at the end

JC is a given in most cases. It means that legally you and your W both make decision about the child. It is separate from visitation or physical custody. How often do you want to see your daughter – is the real question.

But I'll continue to a better person.

To accomplish this ^^^^^ you must do…..

This…

How open were you and your W to talking to each other? Was she comfortable at telling you things that bothered her? Did you "lead" the conversations before or were you able to be a good listener? Think hard about that before you answer.

You really need to start to think about YOUR role in this. Where you messed up, why you messed up and how can you avoid repeating the same mistakes going forward.

I'm also Planning to travel soon.

Have you considered taking your daughter with you? Maybe a little daddy daughter time.

The only mistake I made was supporting her dream to become a physician. I allow her to travel to different state for her clinical rotations, I pay her rent and give her everything she need to be comfortable. She never made mention of any issue. I saw some changes but never discuss it with her thinking that goes with the stress of school. I was also very understanding of her raising our daughter by herself. Even though I traveled every month and give them everything she need. I know a woman need more than that to survive. I know a woman need others things other just being a provider. But my situation will not allow me to just up move. Bills need to paid. We all need to eat. It was a joint decision for me to stay to provide for the family.

Read what you wrote again and think about what Mr. Bond and LFW are posting to you…. The “only” mistake I made…. “I allowed her”….. “I pay her rent and give her everything”….”I was also very understanding of her raise our daughter by herself” ….. “I gave them everything they need”.

These comments if you really look at them paint YOU as a blameless, victim and martyr. One really sticks out at me… “I allow her to”. Lost, you do not own her. Did you really respect her?

On one hand you acknowledge that what you were doing was not really what she may have needed….

I know a woman need more than that to survive. I know a woman need others things other just being a provider.

And on the other hand…you give yourself an excuse…

But my situation will not allow me to just up move. Bills need to paid. We all need to eat.

I am not criticizing you…I just want you see your role in this.

what can a man do when you don't have any other option.

You do have OPTIONS. Stop thinking that you do not. They may not be the OPTIONS THAT YOU want….but you do have options.

She never mention anything until everything is set for her.

Maybe she did mention it to you and you just did not know how to hear it. “Everything is set for her” – do you understand why she may have taken this approach? Do you see where in some way, you promoted this?

I honestly think I was used.

Any maybe you were. Are you gonna sit around and just sulk and think about all the things that she did over the years OR are you gonna find a way to learn from this and give yourself and your daughter a shot at trying to fix this? Look forward Lost – not backwards.

[ericmsant2]

Lost

I forget to mention something in my post...

Do me a favor and read a poster by the name of bradley11. You will need to do a search on his name and then read the post that were started by him (probably 10 or so).

bradley11 was a doctor (Brain surgeon to be exact). He is a great guy but came across a lot like YOU. He spent a lot of time apart from his W...going to school, residency, etc.

His W had an afair....and he was pissed. He felt betrayed and used. He felt "entitled".

I connected with bradley11 off board. I can tell you this....

He finally "got it"...

he reconciled with his W but that did not make him a success. Nope. He changed. He become a better man! That IMO, is why he a success story.

He is doing very well.

Their is hope brother...IF you do the work on YOU.

Go read his thread..see if you can see some of the things we are pointing out to you.

[Lost!]

@eric, mr bond and lostforwards

I honestly got emotional reading you guys post. Yes I think I made some mistake. She was not the type that say much about whats going on in head. You can't hardly read her. She will do anything to keep the peace. I saw some stuff but never address the problem. I thought her only problem was residency not knowing we have some deeper issue.

1) we had one two blow out because of her contacting some guys in her past. I find out about one particular email from her ex fiancé and accuse her of emotional affair. We never address it further by seeking professional help. I think that was my fought for not seeking help or addressing the issue.

2)we have access to each other email account. 2yrs ago she change her password and refuse to give me her new password. Once again I ignore that and refused to address the issue thinking we can't do wrong. I ignore all the changes. Never made mention of it or talked about it.

3) she called me a mess on several occasion, not necessarily because of my look but because I've properties everywhere. I own couple of investment properties. She was fine when I was buying this properties, but they became a issue for her 2yrs ago. I've complain to her of tenant not paying rent on time or paying anything at all. I spoke to her about this and she'll advice me kick them out. In most cases I don't listen. I still do me by working with this tenants. She was right. Why will I allow people to take advantage of me like that. She told me to sell at least four of the renter properties, but I hardly listen. I blame the housing market for not able to sell. To be honest, I never made any effort. I bought them for retirement and wasn't willing to let go.

4) I think i also gave up on me, the GQ man she feel
Over heel for. I got comfortable and think I will
Always be A-man. I stopped biking and going to the gym. I eat a lot and gain few pounds. She on the hand was into her body. She complain of my weight and sometime suggest we work out together. I'll give the sorry excuses. I'll sometime tell her I had a long day and need to get some rest. I'll sit around and watch her do some exercise at home. I will also sit and watch TV while she's out running. We used to go to gym together and ride our bikes on weekend . I blame my myself for ignoring her thinking I'll always be the A-man and working like a dog. I know now that money doesn't buy happiness and love.

5) The new house we building is also a big headache now. The whole idea came from her. She wanted a bigger house with more bedroom and great neighborhood. 1yr into the project she complain that I'm doing too much. She complain that my focus is only on the house. She told me to take a break but I never did. She even made comment about me living in the house by myself. I guess I wasn't listening then. All my focus was working my self to death to finish the house.

6) she also complain of me not taking care of myself. Mostly the grooming part. I think I let myself go from working crazy hrs at work. Non stop
Moonlighting to continue with building the house. I completely forget that you have to connect with a woman through her heart and not all the material stuff.

[MrBond]

Alright now we're getting somewhere. If that was the case, then I don't think totally not having communication with her is a good idea. You don't have to be full on emotional with her, but maybe start increasing communication with her slowly to re-build the connection.

[Lost!]

@mr bond.

Do you think I should still communicate with after telling me our marriage is over for now? She planned on starting fresh with OM. I guess I push her to make that decision.