I'm in, wife's out

[Accuray]

TRC2009,

Regardless of what arrangements you've made with W, things are sufficiently bad that you should talk to a lawyer just to understand things to avoid such that you are not compromising yourself. Usually a consultation is free.

Here's the problem with MC: It *never* works if only one party is interested in making things better. 95% of the time that people go to MC it's really too late for it to work because one partner has already checked out. They are going to be validated for their decision to leave, to establish that it's the other person's fault, and the other person who needs work, and/or to help their spouse find comfort in the fact that they are leaving.

MC *can* work if both parties are committed to doing the work, but in your W's case she seems reluctant at best. That being the case, I would not push it, but might instead talk to MC by yourself.

When a walkaway situation occurs your W will be harboring lots of resentment and anger toward you, and that can turn into contempt. If you then appear subservient, by begging/pleading/pursuing, it reinforces their feelings of contempt because you are putting yourself "one down".

If you then go to MC and the therapist encourages you to bare your soul, you are once again making your situation worse because your spouse is not doing the same, not interested in responding to your complaints. You're just deepening the imbalance in your relationship.

Most of the communication skills that you can learn through MC you can learn by working with the MC by yourself. While your W wants space, it's time for you to not wear your heart on your sleeve, not have R talks, and keep your feelings largely to yourself. To the degree that W wonders what's going on with you, that's to your advantage.

Finally, WRT your last question, I would continue to assume the roles you have always assumed provided that it does not impose intimacy or intrude on her space. Changing her oil is just doing your "husbandly duties" and I would continue to do so. Chore wise do what you have always done, no more no less.

Acc