separated 8 weeks still on the journey

[25yearsmlc]

PS

Sorry for the lengthy tome...but hey, I did incorporate your words, which added...well, a little...

[paul19510]

25 thanks for the thoughtful and thorough look into my thread. I appreciate what you've said. I certainly seem to have a long way to go. I too am a pilot.

There are far too many points in your o ost to try and answer. I will say that I am Gal and go to thr gym each morning before work. I also take a class st fhe Y. 2 dsys and have made new friends there. I am working ln my IFR rating and I am very active with 3 ice hockey teams my kids are on. I have made new friends thru this activity.

I am a very hands on dad and also the main wage earner in my family. My job requires travel. My W is completely emersed in equestrian sports. Although I've asked for restraint she has spent more thsn we can currently afford. I beleive and partnership. We didn't have that snd I stayed here for thr usual bsd list of reasons. I found this site in 2012 and ordered the books. I had previously asked jody if it was ok to say I knew her and I didn't seem to be s problem, but perhaps I was wrong.

At my last session Jody and I spoke about letting my W know that I had spoken with a L and that I wanted to say I didn't know where this would lead us. She didn't disagee that this could be said. I agree looking back that patience may have been a better route to go.

I could lkkely have done much of what you listed better....but I didn't. It is what it is now. Yes, backing away will be helpful in many ways.

I continue go add new things to my routine each day. I'm not certain that I've evef shied away from doing things because I was too busy....

The hockey activities alone tske 5 or 6 nights a week. I start my day at 5 and don't normally stop until 10 or 11 each day. My kids are my focus. I wanted to enjoy time also with W. She didn't feel the same. We got married after a brief courtshipj and an early pregnancy and then had 3 kids in just under 4 years. Life moved fast and we didn't nuture our marriage. Now its dead.

I've spent 2 of the past 7 years in IC and continue to journal and look inward. Do i do it perfectly....no. am I really early in this according to others timelines ..yes. I do seem to have provided enough information to have caused quite a response from you and will continue to look inward to understand myself snd actions better.

Patience is the key. Time will tell. Thank you again for your thorough critique xof my situation.

[paul19510]

25 thanks for the thoughtful and thorough look into my thread. I appreciate what you've said. I certainly seem to have a long way to go. I too am a pilot.

There are far too many points in your post to try and answer. I will say that I am Gal and go to thr gym each morning before work. I also take a class st fhe Y. 2 dsys and have made new friends there. I am working ln my IFR rating and I am very active with 3 ice hockey teams my kids are on. I have made new friends thru this activity.

I am a very hands on dad and also the main wage earner in my family. My job requires travel. My W is completely emersed in equestrian sports. Although I've asked for restraint she has spent more thsn we can currently afford. I beleive and partnership. We didn't have that snd I stayed here for thr usual bsd list of reasons. I found this site in 2012 and ordered the books. I had previously asked jody if it was ok to say I knew her and I didn't seem to be s problem, but perhaps I was wrong. I didn't say where I know Jody from only thst she was a life cosch that asked me to look at life through my W s eyes and that I found this to be very helful to opening my eyes to work I wish to do.

At my last session Jody and I spoke about letting my W know that I had spoken with a L and that I wanted to say I didn't know where this would lead us. She didn't disagee that this could be said. I agree looking back that patience may have been a better route to go.

I could lkkely have done much of what you listed better....but I didn't. It is what it is now. Yes, backing away will be helpful in many ways.

I continue go add new things to my routine each day. I'm not certain that I've evef shied away from doing things because I was too busy....

The hockey activities alone tske 5 or 6 nights a week. I start my day at 5 and don't normally stop until 10 or 11 each day. My kids are my focus. I wanted to enjoy time also with W. She didn't feel the same. We got married after a brief courtshipj and an early pregnancy and then had 3 kids in just under 4 years. Life moved fast and we didn't nuture our marriage. Now its dead.

I've spent 2 of the past 7 years in IC and continue to journal and look inward. Do i do it perfectly....no. am I really early in this according to others timelines ..yes. I do seem to have provided enough information to have caused quite a response from you and will continue to look inward to understand myself snd actions better.

Patience is the key. Time will tell. Thank you again for your thorough critique.
of my situation.

I beleive you might have been able to say what you needed to with far less words. I do try to accomplish what I can. My marital crisis although not listed here has been unfolding for nearly 10 years. I have read many differnt works on marriage and finally found this site which I am grateful for. I didn't think that we needed to compare the length of issues.

As for the title of my thread...I am sorry that you find it funny. I don't find my situstion funny at all. Its hurtful. You mentioned that you are a word smith so I am sure thst you chose the wording of you post in a thoughtful manner..i am not certsin how poking fun at my choice is helpful. You sounded angry...
I have read other posts from you and they do not sound angry.

Being here is lousy enough without being fun of. I apprrciate you words but so me of them apear to be mean spirited.

[labug]

Paul, take a break, 24-48 hours and come back and read again. Everyone who posts to us has something to offer.

It may be just one thing but we have to be ready to hear it.

Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.

[paul19510]

agreed Bug. I was in a bad spot when I read it. My response reflects that.

[paul19510]

one final note for today then I'm going to bed. 25 again thanks for looking in and taking the time you did. I was in a "strange place" earlier and perhaps let some of the things get under my skin.

But, my W has been contacting me tonight for some reason....I have stepped back to take a breath and I feel better. you were right. Distance in fact is good for each of us sometimes. I was getting enmeshed again. More so in the past few days. My upcoming trip with my kids will provide a good GAL situation with lots of friends. Good night all.

[25yearsmlc]

Paul

it stuns me that out of a post as long as the one I just wrote you (which took the better part of an hour of my time) you'd focus on the one part that bothers you. And get so piqued about it.

I said I "almost find the title '8 weeks still...on the journey" funny. Did you ever look to See My timeline? I've been here 8 Years and I'm "still" on my journey.

You had a long m. Your problems being solved in 8 weeks, is not a realistic appraisal of how long this MARATHON is.

So yeah, I said it was "almost funny". I could have said "silly" but that sounded mean to me.

I wanted you to realize that it is NOT a long time to fight for your m or to accept some ambiguity in your situation.

I had ambiguity for several months, DBing for well over a year before I thought we MIGHT be headed toward piecing,

which was another year, and then we went to Retrovaille and THEN we reconciled.

So yeah...8 weeks? Why don't you tell me what 8 weeks at this and "STILL on the journey", means to you? Are you going to quit at a given moment in time? I'm sincerely asking b/c you are acutely aware of time and yet pretty hurried to be done with all this.

When Gilda Radner awaited the biopsy results from her cancer surgery, she wrote that she wondered if the results would mean that the following year,

she and her husband Gene Wilder would again try for a child, OR

if she'd be dead from cancer, OR

still fighting it.

She said "we all live with some ambiguity; cancer just serves to highlight that. I need to Learn to EMBRACE THE AMBIGUITY"...

and it stuck with me. It's not fun to be unsure if you'll still be m next year.

But in reality, tomorrow is promised to no one; and none of us KNOWS that our spouse will always be here for us.

So we have to find solace in our faith, either in God, or ourselves or our loved ones or just believe that the universe is not a crummy place to be.

Let that faith comfort and strengthen you, So the ambiguity does not get "inside".

I know you were in a weird place when you made your remarks to me, (which I did find pretty annoying to be honest). But maybe, maybe this is a teaching point for you.

Do you think you do that with your w?

I'm not saying this "proves" anything! But do you think you ever do that with your w?
I FELT as if you were a jerk for saying anything but "thanks" to me. I FELT as if you could have asked me to explain my comment, b/c in the context of a huge long thought out "paper" to you, ending your post with a rebuke to me was wildly inappropriate. WE ARE FINE, okay?

But when I ponder MY Own ^^^ emotional response to your reaction, I wonder if you think you have ever reacted like that, with your w? Assuming the answer is yes, What triggers it?

How do you cope with her being surprised at your reaction?

Does it ever make you take a step back, to see if maybe she is NOT intending to be nasty or cruel, and you are merely being defensive? What happens then?

Regardless of your answer to the above^^,

please tell me how you two Resolve Conflict or if it is not resolved, how conflict is experienced by you as a couple.

I am not at all sure you react to her the way you did to that sentence of mine, but you might. And if you do, then LEARN/CHANGE from this.

Otherwise, all the pain of this "ordeal" is utterly wasted.

And that's a shame b/c the single good thing to come of all this drama in our lives, this marathon ordeal,

is our own personal work and growth. Hence my hammering the "dig deep" and "look in the mirror" comments.

We are all WE control, so we have to work on US. It is never our job to work on them.

[paul19510]

Again, 25 my apologies to you for leaping to conclusions and responding to you the way I did. I have much to think about in your last post and I DO APPRECIATE THAT YOU TOOK TIME to read my thread and respond.

I think there were times in our arguments in my M that I got defensive. In fact, I'm sure of it. Its something I have to learn to change. In fact this experience with you has been something to learn from.

I know that you have worked for a log time on your M.

I must learn to practice more patience with this process if I want it to be successful. I look forward to continuing to learn and grow hear and am grateful for your input.

Yes, it is early. I can see that I am impatient. that's not going to help me feel better. and like you said, WE are all WE control. I need to continue to focus on myself and my kids. its all I can do.

Again, thanks. Respectfully, Paul

[Mic]

Hi Paul
I'm a newcomer to this board but I see that your wife is completely immersed in equestrian sports. Are you? My H was/is completely jealous of the relationship I have with my horses. I see that as one of the barriers that I did wrong in our marriage. I put them and our farm above him. I also didn't realize how supportive he truly was and is still in the midst of our severe marriage trials with the horses. Do you feel that way? Did you ever help out? Shoveling? Supporting her and your daughter at events? Are you the show dad now for your younger daughter. Want to do a complete 180 then get involved if you are not already with horses. Take some riding lessons. Your wife may not say anything but in her mind if horses are her "first" love you will definitely shock her that something you "don't like" you are willing to try. Offer to pay for a horse clinic for her. Tell her no strings attached I just want you to enjoy this time away from me and I know you love horses. Then give her the gift and don't mention it again.
Look at it this way - If your wife loves horses let her enjoy that gift.. I'm assuming she probaly does the pricey showjumping/dressage. Is anything about horses cheap?
Horses love you no matter what. They don't care how rich/poor you are/what you look like.
Think of your wife as a horse. It is your job to gently train it or be the "horse whisperer"
I work with abused horses and when they first come in they are terrified. It takes days/months sometimes years to completely restore that trust. One false move and your back farther than when you started.
"Be gentle"
I can tell you for a fact that if your wife deals with horses she has intense inner strength let her use that to come back to the marriage. I always tell my riding students that if you can control a 1200 lb animal then nothing or no one can hurt you. I have had to learn that myself again and again in the midst of this trial by fire. Let your wife find her healing in the horses.
I can also tell you she probably feels guilty about how much money she spends on horses. Even if she never said it. If you can forgive that and go forward.
"There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man"
Just my 2 cents.

[bluesgal]

Paul-I truly agree with Labug. Take some time and reread the recent posts.

As I was reading 25ymlc, I was in awe at the insight and advice. She really took time to give you the golden nuggets of advice that likely took her years to figure out and learn. I learn every day by following what these practiced DBer's have done. The further I go along on this path, the more I see the wisdom they have to offer.

I can empathize with you, Paul, because I was you. But not for 8 weeks, but for months. I was fighting the changes I needed to make. I was trying to manipulate the sitch-not in a bad way, but I just wanted to shake my H and make him see things my way.

Letting go is not only hard, but scary. It is the right thing to do. You are a good man with a good heart. You are doing the work.

I agree with so many things 25ymlc wrote. I see so much pursuit in your posts. I see you having expectations. I see these things because I can relate and I want you to avoid the mistakes I made. Use your advice as a cheat sheet. They say we can't speed this situation up, but we can sure slow it down. Don't slow it down like I did.