"Seeing" Both Possible Futures!

[S4tk]

Update after a month or so of living dim and just trying not to poke the bear.

We talked tonight because W needs to fill our HR person in on how things are going, specifically with the four requests/guidelines we were given for our 6-month assignment here. They asked us to make efforts to move toward one another, to connect with people in this area who could walk through this time with us, to continue our individual counseling, and for me to continue in my directing role, preparing to transition out of it if necessary.

(For those confused, we have a faith-based job and our M crisis affects our careers and so this thing is just a mess in some ways).

Anyway, I talk with the male HR person about every two weeks or so, even though the requirement was just every six weeks. W hasn't spoken with the female HR person since November.

This morning W asked if we could have a conversation tonight since she has to speak with HR. Though inwardly I dreaded the idea, I calmly said sure and then left for work and to drive D5 to and from preschool for the day. I prayed for a surrendered heart.

We spoke tonight after the kids were in bed. I asked her what she wanted to talk about, and she said we needed to talk since she hasn't really lived up to the guidelines given to us. Throughout the conversation, I felt that she was wanting me to lead it but only toward the conclusions she wants (separation or divorce, figure out child custody, etc.).

I mentioned several times that I accept where she is. She asked me what we are going to do, and I told her that I accept that if she makes certain choices then I will need to respond to them. If she chooses to find another job (she mentioned temping or waitressing today - this is the level of her desperation) and our current employer lets us both go because of it then I have been preparing my resume and will begin looking for a job. If she finds a lawyer, then I will go find a lawyer. If she leaves, then we will figure out custody situation.

She mentioned that she is sad every day, and lonely every day. I told her that this sounds like a terrible place emotionally, and I would not wish that for her. I asked her if she felt leaving would make her happier, and she did not like that question. It brought a lot of defensiveness. She said she is lonely because she doesn't know many people in the area. What I wanted to say - well, there was much I wanted to say but I held my tongue.

She continued to ask why I continue to seem surprised by her desires. I told her every one of the people in our lives, friends and family, were surprised. She said that "if I know her even just a little bit, I will know that she is done." Since she has said this a few times before in other conversations, I respectfully and gently asked her what it meant. I asked if it meant that when she decides to stop liking someone, or to stop investing in something, then she ends the relationship and it is a done deal - and that I should know this pattern if I know her? This kind of confused her, because I don't think she knows what she means when she says it either. She did respond by saying it wasn't a choice, or something that she could change - that the connection has been lost.

She told me she couldn't "make me understand." I affirmed that I have listened these 8 months and that I see the holes in the marriage, and that things weren't perfect. I affirmed that I understand her complaints.

And I said that if by making me understand, she means me agreeing (heart, mind, and soul) to her solution of ending the marriage, then I was not able to make that desire mutual. I did also tell her though that I am not going to push against her desire to separate, if she chooses that. I told her that in order to respect her and give her dignity, I would accept where she is at.

She asked how we would make it work financially, and this question really did stump me. Two people with a formerly decent income soon to be potentially unemployed - barely swinging things at the moment without having to pay even one rent or utility bill ("barely swinging things" partly because of moving back, counseling costs, etc. - things I didn't mention to her). I told her it would be highly challenging and that all we could do in each look for the best jobs we could find if it comes to that.

She mentioned lawyers, and I have a trusted friend who is a lawyer and is pro-marriage but who does do mediation for couples who are at that point. I mentioned him as an option, rather than fight with two lawyers. Her excuse for not wanting to do that is that he is a two hour drive away. I told her I would consider other options.

I asked her if she had thought about the kids. She said she thinks about it everyday. I asked her if she had thought about custody options, and she said maybe "someone has them during the week, someone on the weekends or vice versa."

I tried to let her talk, but she continually asked me questions, almost expecting that I would have the solution.

We didn't make any decisions, but I just let her know that I am not closed to these discussions.

It does, unfortunately, look like at least separation looms on the horizon. Maybe this is for the best (sigh).

How did I do, DB-wise? Any corrections? How should I handle it the next few days?

Personally and spiritually, I am more prepared for this. I have been considering job opportunities, and other cool opportunities in the area. I have hung out more with friends, have taken the kids for a weekend trip to some friends a few times, and have begun playing guitar more again (played a lot in younger days and got too busy for it the last 5-6 years).

I also began what I am calling "40 days of surrender," where I am just not initiating, not pursuing, not trying to control, etc. etc. I have been "doing" this for months, but not consistently. Essentially going as dim as possible considering we have two young children and still live under the same roof.