WAW Said She's Done, III Realization setting in

[willbwell]

hey Oneday, know what you mean. WAW looks for reasons to validate her behavior towards you. Best I can think of is just get out of the way, Do your thing. be pleasant.
I have found myself feeling angry too, maybe its in a way helpful to recognize, feel it as part of the process of moving on.

[FloydMan]

For sure. It is validating, rationalizing and justifying. You need to be bad in her mind. Means nothing. Took me a looooong time to figure that one out. As wilbewell says, be pleasant. It may come back to what you want, but at worst it will mitigate a more nasty split. Don't engage but it is okay to validate and recognize you're own feelings.

[OneDay]

Thanks guys. I'm trying to be pleasant it just so hard knowing she wants out and doesn't really give a rip about me. She seems so convinced it's over that I'm not sure there is anything I do could change her mind.

She is just now starting to look for places to live. She's on the computer now and when I walked by I noticed her looking at houses (either for rent or purchase) I didn't say anything, just kept walking by and into my room. I'm not sure she could buy, heck I'm afraid she's going to have a hard time finding a "decent" in a "decent" neighborhood to rent. It really worries me.

I'm trying to detach, but this house hunting really puts it into perspective. She is done and I still don't want to accept it. I don't want my boys to have a broken home. Most days I feel better about myself and I'm staying busy and GAL, but in the back of my mind I'm holding on to a small bit of hope that she might change her mind, but at this moment she is done.

Through all this, I have come to the realization that if we were ever to R that we would have a challenging road and she would have to be willing to make some changes too.

It's getting Dark In here and I'm trying to stay this extremely difficult course, I hope I can maintain my heading. I pray these seas will calm and that I will be better one day.

[OneDay]

Do you guys think I should have said something last night? Should I have asked her about the house hunting? I kind of wanted to, but I did'nt.

Tell you the truth I almost cried when I went back into my room.

I wanted to say You should stay your A$$ right here and lets try and Fix this marriage.

[AnotherStander]

Do you guys think I should have said something last night? Should I have asked her about the house hunting? I kind of wanted to, but I did'nt.

I remember when I was in that phase, I did ask W how the house-hunting was going and EVERY TIME I asked I did it because I soooo wanted her to say she was calling it off, or having second thoughts (but I would never have admitted that out loud). But instead she would just say it was going well and she was looking at X, Y and Z in the next few days to pick from. Don't ask unless you're prepared to be hurt, take it from me it's not worth it.

[FloydMan]

I agree with AS here. It will hurt, and it did. Then I was forced to do the dirty work and sell ours. That hurt more. Don't ask because it will not be what you hope to hear. Telling her what to do as well, and what you believe she should do will infuriate her. Just don't help her.

[Maritimer]

Oh boy OneDay, I can remember being where you are a year ago, Looking after the kids while she was out house shopping. It hurt like crazy. She could care less about your feelings and the more you expect her to understand your point of view the more hurt and disappointed you will feel.

As the rest of the posters suggested just ignore it and let her do her thing. There is nothing you can say that will change her mind. Her leaving or staying is something she is going to have to figure out for herself. This journey may be long my friend.

Myself I couldn't believe the choices my W was making, none of it made any sense to me, financially or family wise.

It will be the most challenging time in your life right now, Just be patient, pleasant and look out for you and your kids. The rest will all fall into place.

[OneDay]

I NEED HELP!

I snooped and wish I wouldn't have. I found out that in the past 2 weeks WAW has sent over 130 text messages to a guy. I looked up the number and to make matters worse he is a felon according to what I found out. The messages have mainly been at night and are back to back for several hours. There are no phone calls and only texts and a few pic messages

Please help me, I am so bummed right now, I can barley breath.

Should I say something to her? Do I call her out on this? What do I do?

[OneDay]

Anyone please. I'm freaking out here. She had a meeting then said it's running errands and will b home late tonight. She has texted him 50 times in the last hour. I guarantee she is going over there.

This is so messed up. How could she do this. The guy looks like a dirtbag too

I can't take it. What should I do. Please help me

[KGirl]

I'm not going to claim vet status, but I've been here and know what advice has been given to me, so here goes:
She's DONE, right? She's told you she's done and has not told you otherwise. So it's not really your business right now as to who she's texting and what it means. I know, it hurts something awful (which is why they tell us not to snoop, but I know it's so hard to resist!) but you have to resist saying anything to her right now. I work at a university and always tell my students when they're upset about a grade or another injustice to wait 48 hours before doing or saying anything about it - often times things become clearer when you wait. That advice is certainly transferable. Above you were told she'll look for reasons to validate her behavior towards you. If you confront her about this, think of how this can validate her thoughts - you're controlling, jumping to conclusions, not respecting/validating her current stance on your M, etc. And really, we have no idea what those texts mean. Another question I've seen posed on here - is an EA or a PA a deal breaker for you? If not, then it doesn't matter right now. Go take a break, do something you enjoy, and wait to revisit this for a while when you can look at it without the "in the moment" panic/anxiety you're experiencing.