Hey GM - I agree with Eric, you havent lost yet. Can you give us more details as to the ruling yesterday and what he will decide next month? Why does this mean you lose your house? Give us all the details so we can help figure this us with you. You are not alone. You have all us here to help.
Big hugs. You have come so far dont give up.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
You all touch my heart so much. Thank you for walking this road with me. I'm feeling discouraged, but am full of love and gratitude for all of you here. I'll post more details later.
I'm feeling discouraged, but am full of love and gratitude for all of you here.
Feel it...then let it go and gets to gettin...
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
GM, hopefully you see this differently now. Others had a better way to put it, but the point is still there - today is today. What happened today happened. What happens tomorrow? That's yet to be told... It'll work out though.
Hang in there!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I've discovered a very good book that I believe is useful whether you've just experienced bd or are still working on putting yourself back together. It's by Vikki Stark and is entitled Runaway Husbands (I think it would be equally beneficial to men).
Even though I'm more than two years post bd, I'm still very much recovering from the blow. I know I am doing all of the right things to aid my recovery, but I still feel tired, have no interest in resuming my old activities or going out with friends. I want to be home, with my kids, working in the yard, taking a nap or reading a book.
I'm finally starting to understand the traumatic effects that bd had on my brain. It's not something that can be fixed by pills or therapy. It will take time and a lot of it.
Stark describes her own bd, but also includes lots of stories that she collected. It's amazing how similar the experiences are - the spouse who leaves without notice, re-writes history, actively gaslights. Seemingly a switch is flipped and that person becomes your worst enemy.
I sure wish I would have found this book several years ago when I was in total crisis.
GM, I read that book right after it hit the streets. I enjoyed reading it because she definitely described many of the things that we have heard and experienced over the years.
Hope you and the boys are doing well. How is your father doing?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
thanks for the book recommendation, going to go find it right now, I need all the help I can get.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Hi, I have read the book, and think it is excellent, and helpful, although I think even she underestimates the time it takes to recover, especially from a long marriage.
I agree with her that in so many cases there is an underlying personality disorder. However there are two areas that she doesn't really cover - the 'runaways' that do not go away and leave the spouse alone. They run, but continue in contact from afar.
The second point is that in many cases, some years on, the spouse if fine but the runaway is in less good shape emotionally, psychologically and often financially. I think many runaways come to regret their actions, but lack the skills to rebuild, because they don't have relationship skills in the first place, never did the work, and have little self knowledge.
Those are all really good points, Bea. I completely agree. What I got from the book at this point in my recovery is understanding the lingering effect the initial traumatic event has on brain function. I'm over the ruminating, crying, etc. but still don't quite have the enthusiasm for my life that I once had. It would be easy to just chalk it up to depression, but I don't believe that's true in my case. It's interesting that the author notes that it takes about two years to turn a corner and that's true for me. I'm a little beyond that time frame and I can definitely feel big changes that have occurred recently.
TL72, I hope you found the book and get useful information from it.
Job, yes, the book definitely describes so many situations here. I spent so much time trying to understand my xh that I delayed really grasping what happened to me.
Thank you for asking about my dad. He's doing great. He has planned trips to London and Paris with a good friend that he has traveled quite a bit with over the years. The boys and I will make return trips with him to those cities after s17 graduates next year, so a lot for my dad and us to look forward to.
We're still all very much missing my mom. My dad has been putting a fresh camellia blossom on her memorial plaque every few days. The boys and I visit too. The memorial garden is a peaceful place for all of us.
So, life goes on. It's painful at times and often doesn't make sense. We're just rolling with it and looking forward to completely coming out of the fog.
