It is hard to know what I want. Most of the time, I want him to come back and give us a chance to work on our marriage. My impression was that our marriage was pretty good and that with a few of Dr. Harley's ideas, it would have been easy to get that spark back. The foundation we had based on commitment, honesty, love, and faithfulness was there. We just had lived life day to day without a conscious effort of taking care of our relationship. Other times, I wonder how could I ever forgive him for how he's treated me the past few months.
I have very little anger, mostly still the pain and agony that so many on this site describe. I guess it's because I haven't had the chance to try to repair our situation or a say in what's happened. Maybe if he wanted to try, I would be angry with the affair, locking me out of the house, canceling the credit cards, etc.
I am still in the stage where I obsess over whether or not he will regret this and whether I will ever know that he regrets it. Why does that seem so important?
I have started taking steps on rebuilding my life. I've gotten a job and occasionally go out with friends. I've been looking at different neighborhoods to see where I might want to live when the divorce goes through. But the idea of us being divorced is still devastating to me.
I see what you mean as far as taking a step back. But I do think I have to answer his filing of divorce relatively soon. I just can't decide whether to include the infidelity clause or not. I feel that it may be the only way I can find out the truth of when it all started to get me some closure, but I also feel that every decision I make will affect whether he ever comes to me when he's out of this fog, if that's what it is. In other words, I try not to make him angry and always strive for the high road whenever possible. And the idea of being divorce so soon is overwhelming. I just got the ILYBINILWY speech in mid December.
I did not think that I was using the money as leverage, which he has accused me of. To me it's just money. I thought I had to do what I was advised to protect myself, because he has acted so out of character. But our marriage has always been what was important to me. I wonder how much the OW's opinion plays into his actions.
It is so hard for me to believe that none of this has to do with the OW. He was still making plans for us in the future shortly before I knew any of his unhappiness was over our marriage. I know that he at least took her to lunch a month before I had the speech. And there were some other lies the weekend before I got the original speech of him being so unhappy with himself, when he said it wasn't me.
But here I go again, always trying to figure out the "why". Congratulations to you Starsky on all of your good news!! It is nice to hear of real reconciliation. The success stories seem so seldom.
