How would a letter validating her feelings go against Sandi's Rules?
Would the letter be pursuing?
She is a WAS so is it better to not validate that she hurts?
I may be mixing advice from the multiple books I have read.
I got some advise thst might help you "scratch the itch" without actuallu sending snything. Buy a card or write a letter...then burn it. Dont send it.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I would agree with Wonka. I'm just a couple month's further in than your situation and tried something similar. It did garner feeling's but only caused her to run harder at the time. Anything you do this early to show your feelings sounds right in your head but does not play out the way you want it to.
Just my advice...
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I agree with Wonka. Put away your pen. Validate in the midst of a conversation given the opportunity. Not with a letter on V-day. She told you point blank according to your post that she didn't want anything for V-day. Validate that request by listening and not giving her anything.
It is pursuing and it has expectations attached to it.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
You ask: How would a letter validating her feelings go against Sandi's Rules?
This goes against the first three cardinal rules from Sandi's Rules below. By writing a letter to the WAS, it introduces pressure to them. They're NOT interested in hearing your opinions at all!! They've mentally checked out of the M. Put the focus on YOU.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
Would the letter be pursuing?
Yep. Oui.
She is a WAS so is it better to not validate that she hurts?
The only time you do validate W is when she brings up R talks or M talks. Then you listen and validate her. No mind reading. Until those R talks are brought up by W, you STFU and go about your business of GALing, etc.
Great advice so far. Because everyone's situation is different, I think it depends on where you are in the process. I agree; if the WAS is still running / checked out / S from you, probably best to leave it alone. This is the approach I would take.
Mine is still at home and we are working together in MC/IC, but still can't apply any pressure. I was a little torn myself because I just don't miss holidays & birthdays; just not my style. After showing Sandi's list to our therapist in IC, she recommended I not take away #8 & #9 anyway since these are things my wife still enjoys with / from me. Therapist agreed with every other rule and she hits me with the virtual 2x4 when I screw up!
Wife had already shown some interest in a Valentine's dinner locally so we are going to that and maybe a movie after. Additionally, my wife likes to give & receive gifts (definitely her secondary LL at a minimum). I always get her a little something so this year, I just got her a bouquet of Orchids & Lilly's (her favorite) and all the card reads is "Happy V Day from Az". No ILY; no mushy note or anything else. Very simple; something a "friend" would give!
Azagtoth
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
