my wife left, but still lives with me #2/continued

[OneDay]

I sure miss my wife. Part of me doesn't even believe this is happening. I certainly cant dwell on it but somehow must accept it? The holding out of hope is good I think but painful. Nothing I have done to date seems to have an affect.

What I have done is possibly too minor. I quit emailing/texting completely, don't discuss the R (except breaking down once in the last 3-4 weeks), go out occasionally, started exercising, go to IC and back to AA meetings these past 6 weeks.

Struggling to find more 180's to do. How does one have hope and yet detach? Or do you have to suspend hope that the marriage will work out in order to detach. This is about 30% for me, 70% for the marriage, these changes. How does one progress to 100% for me and maybe the marriage will work, maybe it won't attitude.

These are the things I am pondering right now........

Tough, You are not alone! I am having the exact same feeling/emotions currently, I mean 100% exact same feelings. I also feel like there is more that my WAW is not telling me. There has to be more, RIght? I feel that if she was willing to work right now that we could re-build/renew our marriage. I think it would be alot of work, but I feel we could do it. If I find out the answers to some of your questions I will let you know. But at the moment we are on the same train.

I don't know about you, but I would've never guessed my wife would want a D. She IS NOT the same person. She is nice to me, but looks at me in a different light, (like an acquaintance). I guess she is protecting herself and not letting her guard down one bit.

I think the things you are doing are good, Keep them up.

As for detaching, some days I feel 90% detached and others I feel like she dropped the bomb again. Its a crazy ride, thats for sure. A few things that I like to remind myself with when feeling down are;

Sandi's rule: 24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

and My favorite 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

I also have to remind myself this is marathon not a sprint. Many people have posted this saying on both of our threads. We have to remind ourselves of this because we are not very far into this. It takes some people years, we've only been at it for a few months (even though it feels like years)

Again count yourself lucky she has not filled. Maybe she just needs more time/space.

[tough spot]

This 'marathon' doesn't seem to have any refreshing stations along the way..........

[OneDay]

This 'marathon' doesn't seem to have any refreshing stations along the way..........

LMFAO, No it does not. I sure wish it did though.

[tough spot]

I am unsure if I am detaching or ignoring my wife. The past two days I have barely spoken to her. Of which, i dont think I have initiated any of those conversations.

Tonight when i was putting the kids to bed slighlty early she asked if I had plans. I said yes. She is not feeling well and went back to the bedroom. I just left and when I came back, rather than go in and tell her i was home, I didn't talk to her at all.

I really don't have anything to say.......maybe 10% of my not talking to her feels vindictive in a way. Kind of like tit for tat. I have also been trying to keep busy in other rooms when she is awake/walking around the house. Some what limited as we have children and I am not going to 'run away' and leave her taking care of the kids all the time.

[tough spot]

I have started keeping a 'log book' that describes my interactions with the children. I keep note of the date, what games we play, whether I make dinner or get them snack, who reads bedtime story, who gives them a bath, etc.

I think it may prove useful if my wife disagrees about custody with me. This will help, I think, when assisting with showing I am involved and my wife is not 100% the 'primary care giver'.

I noticed some small advancement on my wife's part I think in response to my detaching/ignoring. Pretty early to tell...and I think this morning she was pissed at me. Not really sure on that either, or if so, why. Another day in the life of a LBS....'huh, what just happened......I don't understand what is going on'

[OneDay]

I am unsure if I am detaching or ignoring my wife. The past two days I have barely spoken to her. Of which, i dont think I have initiated any of those conversations.

Tough, Are you living in my head or what. Do we have the same WAW? I have been wondering the same thing too, am I ignoring or detaching. Is there a difference? Also I dont want it to come across as arrogant either. In all Honesty what is there really to say to WAW? Do they even want to hear what we have to say? I don't initiate many conversation either. I dont think we are suppose to. My wife has asked me a few times "whats wrong" and I usually say nothing with a smile.

I dont know about you Tough, but this DBing is hard and its killing me. I dont know if I can take much more. My chest is always tight, its hard to breath, I dont sleep or eat much. How the heck are we suppose to be happy and have a smile on our face when talking/interacting with WAW? How are we suppose to act as if everything is going to be alright, when we are clearly hurting and want this person back?

Also, the log book is a great idea. My A suggest I keep one too.

[nit84]

One,

I often wondered this also.

I think I am detaching and not ignoring.

The reason I say this is when I come home from work or wherever if I haven't seen my WAW yet for the day. I always say hello.

That way if she gets upsets and says I am ignoring her I can point out that I actually made the first contact.

I do not wait around for her to answer I keep going to where I was headed. If she wants to or wanted to continue the exchange she has every opportunity to seek me out.

If I need to talk to her about something specific(bills) I do it in the nicest voice with the nicest expression I can muster.

It feels weird though obviously.

After I talk to her or when I talk to her I try to watch her body language.

I mostly do it after we talk so that I am fully listening to what she is saying and can validate and empathize.

Lately, I found my W to be getting frustrated much easier than when I first moved back home.

She is projecting a lot of anger and confusion IMHO.

I hate that she is not happy but I am not responsible for her happiness.

I used to think I was responsible for her happiness but have learned through this process that I am not.

In a way learning this is very freeing and allows me to worry me about me.

Not that I don't care about W being happy but when I worried more about her happiness it got turned around to be controlling and smothering.

Just be kind and see if that helps

[AnotherStander]

Tough, Are you living in my head or what. Do we have the same WAW? I have been wondering the same thing too, am I ignoring or detaching. Is there a difference?

Detaching has got to be the most misunderstood concept on these forums. All it means is that you are not going to let your spouse's attitude affect yours. YOU are responsible for YOUR feelings and SHE is responsible for HERS. That's all it means. I've put it this way before:

Attached: Wife happy, you're happy. Wife sad, you're sad. Wife angry, you're angry.

Detached: Wife happy, you're happy. Wife sad, you're happy. Wife angry, you're happy.

Here is another blurb on detachment, this was posted a long time ago by Peanut:

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.

We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

[Azagtoth]

[quote=AnotherStander]
Detaching has got to be the most misunderstood concept on these forums. All it means is that you are not going to let your spouse's attitude affect yours. YOU are responsible for YOUR feelings and SHE is responsible for HERS. That's all it means. I've put it this way before:

Attached: Wife happy, you're happy. Wife sad, you're sad. Wife angry, you're angry.

Detached: Wife happy, you're happy. Wife sad, you're happy. Wife angry, you're happy.
[/quote

I am new to these forums and I also have a "live-in" WAW. My BD was 7/2013 and it is very hard to detach and get off that emotional roller coaster with her! Now mine has never actually asked for a D, and is attempting to work through it in IC/MC, but she still has her hot/cold periods!

What AnotherStander wrote was about as point blank as you can get! Sometimes you have to force it, but it does get easier over time. Wake up with a smile, tell her good morning! if she wants to chat, keep it light and in good spirit; if not, go about your business. Be upbeat and polite; don't push for anything. Occupy your day with activities / work that makes YOU happy (GAL it up)!

As for the snooping stuff that has been mentioned; DON'T DO IT! There is a difference between solid indication that something is going on and just poking around, worrying, trying to see if something is going on.

My wife having her EA was obvious signs and it didn't take much to break it open, expose it, and put the NC boundary on it. Where I hurt myself was continuing to obsess. I had everything tapped; key loggers, voice activated recording devices, tracking programs on all the electronics, you name it. In the end, nothing else was going on, but I was driving myself crazy with worry. Just let it go; they will do what they want anyway and you can't stop them so just let it go!


Azagtoth

[nit84]

Thanks AS and AZ,

That does clear up the definition of detachment better for me.