She left - My Story, First Post

[25yearsmlc]

Build on the decent neutral interactions.

In time they can be where you demonstrate that she can relax around you. Then the old friendship you have, and the bonds that only parenting provides, will show thru more too.

her grandfather was your family too, in that he lived with you, right? And so did the dog? Express YOUR emotions for them and don't be robotically there just to support her. But of course, do that as well.

I think a hand on her back, or just being next to her and saying SOMETHING real and genuine about the deceased dog (or the bond the dog had with the grandfather??) makes sense.

My sister and her recently divorced h had to put their dog down. They were both remarried. Their new spouses made themselves scarce and the "original" family of 5 plus the dog, gathered as the vet came over to put her down gently and lovingly.

It was very sad and then my former BIL removed the dog to "handle" that part, and while they were married, I'm not sure he could have done that. It was a moment when they both rose to the occasion and it meant a lot to my sister and the kids and the x BIL I'm sure.

But HIS new wife was so angry at being excluded, that my x bil had to be in a hotel for 2 nights. (See? There is Karma.)

Point is, it was also bittersweet for my sister. I think she felt a lot of familiar feelings rush up.

Whatever happens, be in the moment then. Don't speculate and emote based on something NOT happening. Do you know what I mean?

I'm a lawyer married to an MD who was in med school when our first child was born (I was still in law school and though we were married, our son was NOT planned then. He was about 5 years "premature.")

So I'm familiar with the "arms race" that breaks up marriages. The superwoman syndrome and the "you can have it all (NOW!)" mirage we all bought into, has hurt us a lot.

Slow down. DO THAT. Also you wrote:


I have great hope for us, but don't know if this is just me being unrealistic or not. I am far away from me giving up any time in the near or far future.



When you say you are are far from giving up, the first time I read that I thought you meant you would not give up Work Time...

Yikes, misread on my end. Okay, well, I'm hopeful for you as well. In 2006 I gave our m a 10% chance of success. I've been in dark places before, maritally speaking. Here's a little of what I learned:

Snooping is NOT going to benefit you in ANY WAY at all. That's why it is frowned upon in DR. Please read up on it before you do it, in case someone here keeps telling you to focus on that....

If an A is not an absolute deal breaker, then why bother snooping? I don't get it at all.

I think BECOMING the better choice is what most matters.

reading the book SHE suggests, won't hurt you.

I know It won't feel good, but at least you'll know what HER internal monologue is saying. Do not challenge her choices right now. That only forces her to defend them, which solidifies them. What MUST be decided now, in reality? Usually, not that much.

FYI, my h was out of our house, mostly out, for 2 years. I think that is how long real change takes although I am Not suggesting that everyone needs to be apart that long.

In my h's case, his journey "required" him to get yet another credential and then to live on the tundra, where I think he felt a lot younger than his 50th birthday suggested.

I had to release him to his "task" and let him go. I could not teach him that we were more important than his JOB or a place. Only life could teach him that. And it did.

It's not our job to "teach a lesson" to our spouse, or to "show them the consequences" of their choices. Again, Life does that.

This^^ tip about Not teaching our spouses lessons, was a hard one for me. My DB coach stressed it a lot. I think I wanted, subconsciously, to punish my h and under the ruse of "teaching him" a lesson, I was trying to make him suffer for his choices and then I guess I thought, (subconsciously, that he'd wake up faster).

For me, deciding what was punitive and what was a healthy genuine boundary. were real challenges. But as I embraced them, I got a lot better in my life with ALL my r's. I just did not spend time correcting others.

I DID stand up for myself but I stayed out of other people's sandboxes. I have enough of my own stuff to work on, and do not need to be in my h's sandbox to fix him. Not my job. Never was.

I wish I had spent way way LESS time on wondering why/how my h could do what he was doing, and
more time on ME and OUR KIDS and creating new fulfilling lives for them. It so helped my situation but it took me a year of wondering and obsessing about h, to get into the groove of GAL and Detaching.

I cannot stress to you enough, how important GAL is for you now. We hammer it for a reason; it works. You cannot detach without GAL.

Plus in your situation, you two probably dropped most hobbies and passions in favor of work.

What would it look like for you to take up a passionate hobby? I assume it'd be a major 180, plus you'd meet new people who do NOT know your situation and therefore would not remind you of it.

(I took the kids to Italy for our 25th anniversary b/c I knew H would mention it but not be here for it and I could not spend another anniversary wondering where he was or what he was doing. The trip was the best way to spend money that I didn't have, ever. Nothing reminded me of h and the kids and I had a blast, which proved WE could have fun and be a family even with one parent missing. Military families know this and we were once a military family. IT was a great reminder of this truth however, we are a family no matter where h is).


IMO, you'd be more interesting to her, by doing something brand new or that you always wanted to do. Even if it's only two nights a month, DO IT. You need it and you can afford it if you place a priority on it. You can also involve the kids in SOME of the GAL things....

then, vis a vis your w, You'd bring something to the table other than more responsibilities. Make sense?