One question. So when you are playing the distance/pursuer game. And for instance he starts calling/Texting and he is waiting more. conntact with me wait to respond and keep it like that until signs of something?
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
One more thing I just thought of. My S13 has a game out of town an hour away. If my H suggests we all go together. Do I ask him to take his own car? This is for future times Since well. The problem I have with him is he'll want to start doing things with the kids together. I don't want make it easy to do that not be married to me. H left me so he should fell the pain of being left out or going by himself to something. Am I wrong?
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
If it's his weekend to have the kids, I wouldn't want to go as a "family". If it's your weekend to have the kids, then you have to decide what you want to do the "family" thing or not. Me, personally, if he's not living under the same roof...separate cars and not play the picture perfect family when it's not at the moment...but that's my opinion. You have to decide what you are comfortable with and whether or not you want to put up w/his behavior.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job, I will read it. As far as weekends we don't have set timea. My H tries to take extra shifts on the weekend so we just go with it. They are almost 14 so they do a lot on their own. When we do things as a "family" it is usually fine and H wants to get along. I just don't want him to have his cake! It's about our kids I know they would like it but I need to make a change that he will feel??
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Are there any activities that the kids and your h could do that wouldn't involve you being there? Once in a while, you might want to go separately if you have something else you can do on the way to or from the activity which wouldn't include the kids. Maybe you might want to do something for yourself sometime and he can be w/the kids on his own.
You don't necessarily have to be readily available to pick up the phone, text a response back to him or be around when he's there w/the children.
You have to determine how you want to handle this and it's not about making the change so that it will feel it. It's about you being comfortable w/whatever changes you make and they have to be permanent. It's about detachment and you can't detach very well w/him being under foot and he has to learn to deal w/the children on his own.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much. I agree with his healing, etc the last time. It was about 3 weeks from what I remember between break up and reconciliation. We didn't continue working on us either. H didn't think we needed to. Not to quibble or beyotch at you, but how did YOU think things were going to be different or better, with so little time apart, and No professional help and No new tools?
I don't get it. I mean, I get that he did not want to, but what were your thoughts at the time?
Were you just so glad he returned that you did not want to rock the boat? Was it at all better?
H then a year or so later started a new career path school and training lasted over 4 years. Then trying to get a job in career still hasn't happened. Very disappointing. I am planning on backing off and little contact. He is very angry now with me and because he cut it off with OW. IF HE wants D I'll give it to him.
Well, technically it's not yours to give. The state does it. IF he wants one, he can have one no matter what you do or say.
So, What are your GAL activities now? Any 180s? You cannot detach without GAL but I sense little desire for that in you.
What do you feel YOU have learned as far as being a better w?
Do you have any new tools for conflict resolution or communication? I guess my central question is what did You learn from DBing the first time?
I'm ready to move on and start my live new! If it works out it does, if not.... Thanks!!
Reconciliations do not "just happen". Growing apart can.
Love is a noun BUT Love is also a verb. Love always requires some sacrifice and it always requires some Action on our parts. It does not land on us. Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree and at the time 7 years ago I was just happy H wanted to come home. We had been to counseling during the breakup but H was lying about OW. We tried to working in us after reconciliation. We were good for a long time but then fell apart. Would not be the same this time!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Yes, the only thing we do together has been holidays and sports out of town. Other than that we do our own thing with the kids. Thanks
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I just realized my H talked to me more when he thought I had a BF. Now that I told him I wasn't seeing anyone anymore his communication is way down and just business. lol Funny how when your seeing someone in their little minds they think it's "safe" to talk to you and see you more? It just makes it easier to do as little contact as I can now.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
