I had an Affair and Wife now wants Divorce

[25yearsmlc]

Fair enough Starsky, but when you wrote:


My advice to the LBS is to say "I don't WANT a divorce, but I respect your decision and I won't stand in your way. I acknowledge the hurt(s) I caused you, and I've asked for your forgiveness for them and I've owned up to them myself and am working on myself to make me a better person. But I won't stand in your way."


What I'm asking relates NOT to the typical "give me space!" WAS comments. I agree that if a spouse says they need a time out or some space, you STFU and give it to them.

I'm talking about situations in which there was little or No pursuit IN the marriage OR in which another approach might fit. We all know the "rules" are not for all situations (and I think some of the rules conflict with each other, so they're given as guidelines, not "rules").


We know that this couple (so "they", not "she") had a SSM. Until he broke the vows with the A, perhaps he did not make HIS needs clear enough to her for her to realize the importance of ML and maybe, maybe, he did not make his needs known to her before. All I know is THEY did not ML often.

Might his wife simply want some passionate pursuit or to KNOW she is desired and wanted by him? Could their sex life need a little tuning up? Menopause can effect sex drive but it's not the only factor and there are things women can do to ameliorate the factors that negatively impact intimacy.

Also, Might this be a test? (The answer is of course it MIGHT be).

What I'm suggesting is that some women (and probably some men) who feel rejected or unloved by a spouse, need to be pursued. An A is a big fat rejection in the most intimate of ways. It makes a woman feel insecure as heck (and that does Not increase the libido!)

In those situations, I'd argue that going cold is more of the same, or worse.

I do NOT know if THIS is one of those situations.

(I fear it's NOT one of those. I fear he needs to move forward in his life and to see if later on, down the road, their friendship and the bonds of the past can resurface and reveal the love I think they both have for each other). Only time and perhaps a divorce or a lot of distance, will tell.

But I pose those questions anyhow, partly b/c Bond and Starsky are here and that's convenient and it COULD apply to this. And partly b/c I think there are LBSers who want there to be nothing THEY Can do to change their situation. B/C to them, it makes it all the WAS fault. Know what I mean?

Hope this does not muddy the waters more. Not my intent.