Said he is miserable. I told him moving out is something he's wanted to do and I asked him if it made him happy. He said he's miserable now but no more miserable than when he lived at home. He said there are no answers.
...how you can begin to believe the rewritten history.
I am now finally accepting the gravity of the demise of my M and relationship with H. I have let go of the rope.
The kids and I have GAL like crazy. Having lots of fun. I'm trying to enjoy every moment.
Question: Does anyone else have a WAS or MLCer that drives around a lot? My H puts some serious miles on our vehicles driving aimlessly around on random roads and through random towns. He will do this for hours sometimes. What does it mean?
Hi Blue. Great post. yes my W now has a long commute to her parents with lots of drive time. Seems to work for her. i'm sure its time to think. One morning we talked aobut seeing the sunrise. We seem to be watching each morning together, but apart
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Driving tends to "ease" their minds, just as some of them like to do laundry. Some like to work in gardens, others fishing. It's something to do that doesn't require a lot of hard work and/or interaction w/others.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Question: Does anyone else have a WAS or MLCer that drives around a lot? My H puts some serious miles on our vehicles driving aimlessly around on random roads and through random towns. He will do this for hours sometimes. What does it mean?
I had to smile when I read this...in the throes of depression I used to drive around with no real destination. It was something to occupy time (time is an enemy, days seem to go on forever), gave my mind something to concentrate on other than how svcky life was. Sometimes I would see something new and have a spark of interest. Sometimes I had a destination and when I got there would decide I really didn't want to be there.
Can't speak for your H, just a personal insight.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
All these weird behaviors and actions/words not meshing is tough. I know now that I can rely on him to not be reliable.
I didn't mention that he forgot what restaurant his grandmas party was at and thought it was the one we last went to about 10 years ago to celebrate at. I remember the specific conversation we had about the location. It's funny to think that he used to have such a great memory. People would always comment "I can't believe you remember that!"
This fog is for real.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
The MLCer's mind is like Swiss cheese with holes in it. Their memory is shot during the MLC phase. You'll find that you may repeat things over and over to H.
I'm reading up on Raines posts. Very similar stuff except many H out there seem to talk to their LBS and make contact and be honest. Why am I married to the closed off liar that never contacts me or his kids?
I am doing well with detaching, but then I have a feeling of "Hey, this isn't fair" "I deserve better".
I am cute, smart, funny, loyal, good income. Why would I want to live another day being lied to and treated like garbage.
Then I remember, because I don't want my H to have some crazy affair partner half raising my kids. Because I'm not doing anything different now than I would if I was D-except for dating. And, I get to see my kids 100% of the time since we don't have a formal custody arrangement.
There's just that unshakeable feeling of betrayal when a spouse treats your marriage like it doesn't/didn't exist. Very hurtful.
I just feel like this will never end. He will never wake up. He will never stop blaming. He will never be a good man again. Boy, I need a PMA lesson today.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Hey Blues, I'm right there with you today. Sorry I can't offer up any good advice, just commiseration and empathy.
Just curious, are you ever confused about who your H really is? Do you think that he is a great guy but just having a problem right ow, or is it that he was never that great and is now coming out with the real him? Or maybe he used to be great, but has now changed forever. Sometimes I just don't know at all.
I find that for PMA, I just need to GAL or at least be productive. I went to the gym with my girlfriends this morning (exercised AND got girl time - jackpot!), then ran some errands, and I am off to get some things for my V-day plans with my kiddos. Um, OK, and I also ate a large cookie . . . it did make me feel more positive.
Find something fun to do today, maybe with your kids, maybe just on your own - and your PMA will come back, I promise. If not, get to work on your gratitude list!!
I agree, one of the hardest things about all of this is having to face the fact that your H is not who you thought he was, and you don't ever know whether he will see things from a rational perspective again. It svcks.
That's why everyone harps on taking care of you. So cry for a bit and then get on with the GAL!
(((Blues)))
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Melissa-Yes, I have those feelings and questions: Who are you? Were you always a D-bag? Are you always going to be a D-bag?
He just used to be a man of principles and he even loved a quote about a long marriage being the best status symbol.
He does not fit the description of a narcissist or avoidance syndrome or any of those I see around here so I can only go by my experience.
Husband of now: Gained 40 lbs Had EA/PA-claims 'it's over' Physically present, but not mentally present Forgetful Never seems content Anger and tears just below the surface Driving around aimlessly every day On/Off drinking to excess Left wife/kids Late for work Spews script remarks nearly daily Only contacts when regarding the kids Very edgy and impatient Distracted No goals Claims he's miserable and unhappy Will not touch me with a 10 foot pole
Now I know why LBS call them aliens.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
all of the above.How can my H do all of these things yet be another nationallity and live in another country.. What is the common denominator...
How are these WH so much alike...is turning into a liar a chemical reaction or hormones? or is it depression.? Maybe not much consolation that they are so alike. My H had been so disparaging about an acquaintance that had an affair. I asked him how are you different from J.. He thought and said... J kept it a secret for while... really... that makes a difference some hiw he is not a slimeball because he found it too difficult to live with the guilt!
An out of touch with reality story. He told me he was seeing someone else, the marriage was over. I asked did he plan to date other women as well as the OW? His answer " I am not like THAT" while looking me square in the eye with shock I could suggest such a thing.. I am starting to feel these WAS do not deserve the attentio s of the people here who care so much.
While your H is twisting in the MLC wind, what are you doing for yourself? Have you been able to pick up any new hobbies or engage in activities that you like? This journey will happen for quite a while and you don't want to waste time looking at H's direction.
