At times, my husband acts as if he wants to divorce amicably. But my attorney called his after they attempted to serve me and of course the info that got back to him was not the total truth. Then he sent me a text that was just blaming me for everything again and irrational. So I left him a note saying I can't be treated this way anymore and that we could divide our belongings when he could be civil.
***Excellent! THAT is how you enforce boundaries. Calmly; even lovingly. But it's loving YOURSELF enough to say "I won't allow myself to be treated this way." More on the attorney thing below . . . ***
It is hard for me to see his side about taking the money for several reasons. First, I found out he was on a trip with another woman. Second, I waited to take it until he should have returned to work and didn't bother to come home. Third, I returned it when he said he would read Harley's books and go to counseling. Fourth, he got furious about his retirement, hid some cash, took our safe key, and changed passwords, so I felt I had to take it back. I feel that he should have told me how he felt about our marriage before it was too late (in his mind) to work on it, that he should never gotten involved with OW. What did he expect me to do? I'm not an attorney and had to do what I was advised. We live in a community property state, so it is still his even though it's in my name. And I've discussed returning some of it with my attorney and he told me not to do this.
***You're using money as a weapon, instead of trying to do what your attorney advises you to do to PROTECT YOURSELF. Try to keep it simple -- "I did what my attorney advised me to do, in order to protect myself. If a judge rules otherwise, obviously I will do what I'm told I have to do, but this is difficult on all of us right now." Any good family court judge worth his/her salt isn't going to look kindly to your husband squandering marital assets on his affair, and the amount of detailed financial accounting you will both be forced to do will turn up his spending, you can be assured. Let the attorneys sort it out.***
I have trouble deciding whether my husband is having a MLC or if this is just an exit affair. . . .
***Does it matter? I'm not big on labels: Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior. I know it's a common mistake we ALL make on here (I did too), but try to stop figuring out the 'why' of it all and just learn what your non-negotiable boundaries of personal integrity are, and consistently enforce them. Your husband has to make his own decisions about what he wants to do, and you can't control him. ***
Do any of these WS ever come back for real? . . .
***Mine did. Had a torrid affair with a guy 20 years younger than her, nearly 8 years ago now. Today we are happier than we've ever been (she ended her affair after about three months, and returned to the marriage), and have since celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, our 50th birthdays, and the birth of our first grandchild (and now another one on the way).
It can be done. It'll be the hardest thing you ever did, and you CANNOT control what your husband does, but you CAN control YOU, and there IS hope. Best advice I ever got, was from a guy on here who told me "Life just handed you a big fat s&%t sandwich. It's time to start biting it one bite at a time, and figure out how you're going to get through this, and stop focusing on the unfairness of it all." I was P*SSED at the time he told me that, because I did NOT want to hear it, but it was some of the best advice I ever got.***
