MLC and Covert Depression at 62?

[innishannon]

WHEW!
have just woken up here and read your posts - Thanks KML and 25yearsmlc for your posts - I very much appreciate your thoughts and feedback.....there is a lot there for me to ingest (I do feel slightly deflated) and to respond to (which I would like to do) - so I think I will do it in sections if thats OK -

[/quote] This man is NOT a role model of what a husband (or "Sig Other" or partner) should be. A terrible thing for your d to witness.

- I agree - regardless of why this has happened NO child should be put through this.....I would also agree that his behaviour is not reflective of care, respect, honour and trust.

But for the better or worse, depends. He's 62 and this is NOT out of the blue. There is nothing "new" or wildly different or out of character for him here.

- I am not sure whether the WAY he has handled this is out of the blue or not. I have not known him through the breakdown of other key relationships (ie his first marriage) and I havent spoken with any of his ex-partners (I do know his wife quire well but have never talked to her about anything personal etc) so I cant say whether what he has done to us is in or out of character.....What I CAN say is that the last 12-15 months there has been a slow and incremental change in him in terms of his ability to emotionally connect, first with me and then with D. This detachment was not apparent until this point - he seemed loving, happy, engaged and committed on every level as far as I could tell. This slow change did seem unusual at the time and I struggled to make sense of it. It was only after reading about male depression and linking things back to his childhood (which was very difficult, with both his mother and father) that i had any hope of any answer. That, along with the way he emailed me NYE, his new found working out/popping vitamins, wanting rejuvenation, OW etc etc made me suspect that it was MLC. For me things seemed to have slotted in that way.....I could be completely wrong of course....

I urge you to stop reading about MLCs and start creating a new stable life for your d and yourself. SHE must be the priority, seriously.

- I have done everything in my power since NYE to be there for D - I have found us a place to live in record time, moved our things quickly from his house, we are living right next to her school, encouraging her to spend time with friends, I have organised sessions with a play therapist/child counsellor for her. I have had leave from work so have been able to devote my time to her. I have given her as much stability as I possibly could under the circumstances - and, every day, I am continuing to do that. I have deliberately NOT moved her far away again as she has just started secondary school and is happy there so I wanted her to be next to the school and continue with that.....She IS my priority.

He's a chronic liar, so while you were shocked, it does not mean this has "suddenly" hit HIM.

- You may be right about this not hitting him - yes - I do believe he is a liar. It is so hard for me to comes to terms with this as I did trust him and he encouraged me to do so - so the lies and the deceit, with no particular apology nor remorse - is absolutely devastating. As a person I hold great store in being honest. He knew this about me. It is very shocking that he could have lied to em (and my child) at such a profound level.

To me, his NYE note sounds resolute. There is no room for him to "work on" the R, at all. Nor a need to, b/c he's into OWs. And his depression is all about you. Only time away from you and yet not so happy, will reveal that to him. You can't. And pressuring him in any way is what he says he does NOT want and I'd believe him.

- Yes, I am sure the NYE email sounds resolute - and i am sure that when he wrote it it was - his mind was (and probably is) full of the virtues of the new OW (and possibly others???). This is not unusual for people in or not in MLC to sound this resolute....at BD they are always sure.....the last thing they will do is give any impression that there is a window as they are running and blame it all on the spouse/partner. This is what he has done. I do believe he is depressed but I KNOW that I have not caused it. I am clear about that - whether time will help him see that I dont know... I have not pressured him - aside from making contact with him to organise removal of our things I have not made ANY contact. No begging, pleading, crying etc which he was expecting I am sure. I have put NO pressure on him whatsoever - in fact I have given him everything that he has wanted....

I have not seen many women move their young daughters across the ocean to be with a man who won't put a ring on the finger. I know you feel that m was not what YOU wanted, or at least you knew HE did not want that. I get that. But why MOVE with her, to him? Why take your d to live w/you while unmarried, to live with a man who is clearly not suited for long Rs?

- When we moved here I didnt move to be purely with him. When we were licing in Ireland my work situation was such taht I coudlnt survive on what I was earninga s a single mother. I had been applying for jobs for about 2 years before I met WAP. The decision to move here was when I was offered my current job which is quite a senior position and a big step up from what I had in Ireland. I spent quite a long time looking at places near my work and even near where WAPs house is and, after months of this and him EMPHATICALLY wanting us to live with him, I agreed. My close friends were also witness to this, one in particular took him aside and spoke to him at some length about the seriousness of such a move - he assured her he was 100% committed in every way. My family and friends were all totally believing him. At the time he gave me every reason to do the same. It was only after we moved and were integrated into his life that I came to understand about his shorter term relationships (I knew about his marriage etc) so I was in the position to do the best I could and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was giving me every reason to think that he was committed and wanted us in his life - both in word and in deed. Both of us have been divorced - neither of us wanted to re marry. This was never on the table for discussion and I was totally fine with that (ie - i was not secretly harbouring a desire to change his mind etc). What mattered to me was stability, security and a loving, caring relationship/environment for myself and D and I thought he wanted that too.

Not to make you feel guilty as a mother but to remind you that SHE has to come first now. Where is her bio father? Anywhere nearby? Can she spend some time with him soon?

- I have sole custody of D (since 2011) and her bio father cannot have any access with her except for written word. He was abusive post separation and I needed to get protection for herself and myself from the courts,. He does not write to her (or at least very intermittently) so sadly this is not an option for her. That said I am doing everything I can to ensure that she is surrounded by positive male role models and influences in her life, especially at this time.

Wow, I can only imagine what she must think of men.

- not much at the moment hence the above and the instigation of counselling for her. I do want her to move forward and grow in to a person that can trust and respect men - I want her to know and believe that there are good men out there.

You (both) got dumped so unceremoniously, I cannot imagine wanting this man in my life OR HERS.

- Umm - yes - we have BOTH been dumped - cruelly and without any remorse (outwardly at least)

BTW, I missed it, but what becomes of his r with your d? ANY contacts for them, or is she also cut off?

- Yes - he has cut BOTH of us off. He hasnt asked anything about D - nothing about her welfare, well being. Nothing. He has deleted BOTH of us. His only mention of her was in the BD email where he asked me to apologise to her for him. (I have to presume that was just lip service). There os no interest in him maintaining contact with her, or me. He has meant a lot to her but she is so wounded and betrayed by him that she does not want contact.

But otherwise, I say RUN FROM HIM as fast as a plane can carry you. (In 7 years on this board, I have never said that before.)

- Oh dear - that is not good.....I seem to be the only exception in seven years

Whatever you believed about how well matched you two are, is false or no longer relevant.

- That is hard for me to come to terms with - I truly believed that we were well matched in many areas. To think that that was ALL false is hard. No longer relevant - that I can see - perhaps particularly in the face of how he has treated us in the past 6 weeks. But top think that we had nothing in common for the entire time we were together - that is harder...

You can and must do better. Are you in counseling? I mean, this is the second or third long R that you have been in that has not lasted. [quote]

- Yes I am seeing a counsellor - I am having a session with him in a couple of hours. He has been under the impression, as I have, that depression and MLC is driving this (he has quite a lot of experience working in the realm of clients re MLC) but I will talk with him about what you have suggested - Re other relationships - aside from a few before my marriage I have only had my marriage - I was with ex-H for 13 years. I posted at the time of separation here about that experience (I too believe he was going through a crisis of some sort). However that was a long term relationship. I was then alone for 3 years before I became involved with WAP. I took the issue of dating, especially with a D, very seriously. I thought I was particularly choosy with WAP. He gave me every indication (as did his friends at the time) that he was very serious about BOTH myself and D.

I really do appreciate all of your feedback but I must admit that after reading the last few posts I am a bit destabilised. I have read quite a bit on this site and have been sure that my situation is a case of MLC/depression. While I agree that in a way it is irrelevant - that I have to forge ahead with D regardless - in my mind and as a source of calm I have believed this to be true.

Now - well, I don't know what to think

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