I had an Affair and Wife now wants Divorce

[25yearsmlc]

"but I remind Starsky and Bond, that YOU had the A. Not once, but twice, even after seeing how hurt your w was from the first discovery, you repeated it shortly thereafter!"

For me, while he hid the affair the first time, he admitted it the second and felt genuine remorse for it. His W didn't address any of the problems that caused their problems in the first place (lack of sex, intimacy, etc.) and chose to constantly concentrate on the A.

Usually it's the betrayed spouse who comes on here. And we tell them that the cheater must earn their trust again, be totally transparent, not expect to regain the trust anytime soon, ETC ETC ETC so I feel as if the same ought to be said TO the person who had the A.

OTOH, Bond, just so you know, there are lots of times to me, the betrayed spouse comes here and what we tell them to expect, just sounds a lot like punishment, which might not ever end...

So I get what you are saying.

For those of us who have been on here awhile, we know that when it comes to A's many times there are false starts. But often the cheating spouse doesn't stop until they are caught. In this case he fessed up to it and tried to set things right. The remorse and not just regret that has been shown is why I think he deserves a second chance.

I think it means there is real remorse. And I think there ought to be some point in time when the A does Not get to keep being thrown in anyone's face (not that she did that). It cannot be held over the head of the wayward spouse who is trying to move past it.

I wonder if SHE thinks she gave him a second chance. Maybe she was just waiting to see if HER feelings magically came back (which rarely happens) and maybe that is what she called the "second chance", or the originally short time in which she attended counseling with him..

But if his W continues to just concentrate on A, then he should stand up for himself.

I agree.

I just don't know when that time period is. Everyone knows it takes SOME time.

So how long is that? What is our criteria for assessing "enough"?