2nd time around. H wants D. I don't

[NotAgainPlease]

I don't think much damage was done. We had a long friendly chat today and seems the same .

H is very depressed again because of his job he is doing now and his career he has been working on for 3 years. He was offered a job and the BD because after that the city put a hiring freeze. Then last week they he was told its on and got a conditional offer letter. Then yesterday he got a thank you for your application but they have decided not to hire? He has not been able to contact them and the letter sounds strange. Anyway he is very depressed.

It is so hard for me not to console and try to make it better. That would me what I'd do. A 180 would be do nothing...Advise? We are talking and not tension between us at this time...

[NotAgainPlease]

OK I just reread that and I make H sound like a little kid.
That's not that I meant. I was just meaning talk if he wants and be there for him.

Or just leave it alone and not talk to him? H has a new "friend" he is probably talking to her anyway?

[LoisB]

It is so hard for me not to console and try to make it better. That would me what I'd do. A 180 would be do nothing...Advise? We are talking and not tension between us at this time...

I think you answered your own question.

[NotAgainPlease]

Thanks Lois I'm just going to leave it alone and he call or comes by and wants to talk I'll listen.

[NotAgainPlease]

Oh right on point! My H cancelled on me again. He was supposed to come over tonight when the kids were gone to get some of his stuff and do some paper work. Just like the concert last week something came up. It wasn't work this time it was to babysit his roommates kid!
I would get so mad if this wasn't a constant in our marriage!!

He doesn't fail to remind me daily why we are divorcing and it is becoming clear that I may want this too.....
Maybe this is why there aren't a lot of people here for the second time around because they just give up and divorce?

[job]

Keep your expectations at zero at all times. You can't rely on them and they sure move at their own pace. It's all about them right now and if something comes up, the family is put on the back burner. It's evident that there's nothing he needs from his belongings at your home.

As for him reminding you daily about getting a divorce...notice how slow he's moving in getting his belongings? Actions speak louder than words. The divorce mantra is being stated daily because he needs to convince you and himself that this is what is needed for him to have a fresh start.

Continue as you have been doing and allow your h to twirl in the wind. Keep the focus on you and your children.

[NotAgainPlease]

Thanks as always Job,

I agree with his dragging feet. If he really wanted to get the divorce done he'd have been here to finish it?
He came home and took his clothes out of the closet which I didn't notice until he told me. I think the only reason he took what he took was he is going to a funeral today. He got most things but not everything.

As far as reminding me about getting a divorce I know he does that to convince both of us. I was referring to me and his actions reminding me why I want a divorce because of issues. There would have to be a lot to repair the damage and changes needed.

I really just need to duct tape my mouth and delete his number from my phone and tie my hands behind my back and DO NO CONTACT! That would be a huge 180 but I for whatever reason can't do it...I so want to and need to finally do it. That has been my weekness! I call he calls and so on....I need to have the kids 13 communicate with him because that is the usual topic.
Another funny thing is he want's to fix things around the house for me. Now this is the guy who wouldn't do anything for me before! He just want's to keep a foot in the door.
I know I keep saying I need NC and haven't done it. It's like being a druggy and needing one last fix.
Even 7 years ago we didn't do it. I feel if I do it he will definitely notice and a much need thing. It seems he to has a hard time with doing it himself..

[NotAgainPlease]

This is why I/we have such a hard time with NC. I need to say no contact about us personally good, bad or whatever. We do have to talk about the kids.
H texted me tonight to see if he could come over this week and fix the washer faucet? Seems something always comes up. I need to not be here.
I feel this is a very important step as he has never been on his own with out contact with me. If I stop he starts...
I am going to do my best to only let him contact me if possible and make it short. Not be around when he comes to do things in the house...

[job]

It's difficult to have no contact when there are children involved and that's why we encourage posters to only contact them if it's an emergency or a need to know when it comes to the children.

It's called the distance/pursuer game that you two have been playing, i.e., when you stop communicating w/him, he begins to reach out and this will go and on until you stop it...but that's up to you because you can go dim w/him and not respond quite as often or as quickly when he reaches out.

As for the washer facet, if you are comfortable w/him being in the home, by all means let him come there and fix it. You can be in another part of the house or out when he's there... but be sure you put any important paperwork that you are working on away somewhere safe.

Just remember, you are the only one that can determine how much communication you want w/him on any given day.

[NotAgainPlease]

Thanks Job,

I will take your advice and since the kids are old enough 13 I can have them call if it's something like visiting, etc.

I will try the waiting to call/text back right away.
Yes it's fine if he come over. I can just not be here too. Thanks about putting things away.