good signs, bad signs, or nothing at all

[sayitaintso]

Great attitude CF..You are not too far into this so continue to let her have her space and GAL for yourself.

[confusedfather]

I had the kids this weekend and had a great time. For the past week I have really been able to focus on myself, and the interactions I have had with W have been pleasant. Tonight I haven't been able to stop thinking about her, which I guess means I haven't detached as much as I thought. So the plan is to GAL and give her space. I know this is a long road and patience is the key, but is there a point where I throw in a flirt or a compliment, or do I just hang back and wait for her to make a move?

[confusedfather]

Maybe I should explain that last post a little bit. Today when i took the kids back I also delivered the washing machine. In the short interaction with her I felt something. The best I can describe it is old feelings that I haven't been able to shake. It's just kinda left me in a bit of a funk this evening. I am really trying to DB and have realized that all of the advice I have ignored has been good advice. I think i am now ready to fully commit to DB, because I truly love my wife and still hope to grow old with her.

[confusedfather]

It's been a while since I posted, so here is an update. Hopefully I am doing everything right, although it feels like what I am doing is losing my W. I know posts are supposed to be short, but I have a lot going on so bear with me.

Since W moved out I have been working on my goals. I have been going to the gym twice a week on the nights I don't have the kids. It's not much, but I am already seeing results. Excited about that.

I have been able to detach (for the most part) and focus on work. I have built a successful career and feel I am back on track. Even received Employee of the Quarter!

The biggest thing I have going is my cousin, who owns a bar and grill, has asked me to play guitar and sing at his restaurant. This has been my lifelong dream, which I never shared with anyone, including W. Out of the blue he shows up and tells me he wants me to play. Very excited and nervous about that.

My family has proven to be extremely supportive. I was somewhat nervous about this. I have 9 aunts and uncles, as well as 30-some first cousins. Not a single divorce in my extended family, so I was afraid I would be somewhat ostresized. I couldn't have been more wrong.

My relationship with my kids has improved tremendously. Perhaps it's the advantage of staying in the house they have always called home, but they are extremely happy to see me and always a little down when I have to take them to their mother's house. They call me on the nights I don't have them, and seem very happy with me on the nights they are with me.

Now the difficult subject. I have had regular contact with W, mostly short text messages about kids. I see her once a week, on Sundays, when we exchange the kids. Otherwise, I have not initiated any unnecessary contact. There has been some texts from her that did not seem necessary, but I have not read into them and not really provided much back. Today, my brother and his family were up, and even though this is her weekend with the kids, brought them by and then stayed a while. It was awkward but I still had fun. Later, after I take the kids back to her, she texts me that S12 overheard mother and SIL talking about us. Just the tone of the text told me she was angry, although it may be the fact that she had a good time and then had to be angry again to justify her actions. Still trying not read into anything. Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

That is my life at this point. I have done several 180's, GAL, working on goals, not pursuing, acting as if, and trying to be mysterious. Is there anything else I should be doing at this point?

[confusedfather]

It has been a long time since I posted on here, and I really didn't think I would need to search for this kind of advice again. I will quickly try to get to the point. After my last post I just did my own thing. I reconnected with some old friends, finished my college degree, earned a promotion at work, found new hobbies, etc. Everything was really going great. In February 2013 I decided I needed to move on with my life, and about a week later W stated she wanted to file for divorce, which I was ready for. We filed in March and made it official in May. After a couple of months I started dating for the first time in my life. There was very little contact with W because there didn't need to be. With the divorce I was able to completely disconnect emotionally and moved on.

About a month ago I started seeing signs that W may be looking at starting a relationship again. I confirmed this and we have gone on a couple of dates. I am starting to feel an emotional connection with her again, which is also starting to bring up all of the negative emotions as well. There has been little talk about the future of us or mending past mistakes, of course, it may be too early for that. We may find out that the only thing we have in common anymore is our children, which I admit is the biggest reason for me to look at renewing a relationship.

So the advice I am seeking is how do I start this process? I am afraid that she plans to just start over and not work through any past problems. I am sure this is not the right thing, but don't know how to even bring up this subject. One of the main problems in our marriage was poor communication. At some point I believe we should discuss why our marriage fell apart so we can work on those problems instead of just going through the same thing down the road. I really need to know how committed she will be to making a stronger relationship but don't know how to even bring it up without it sounding like I am attacking her. And if I can't talk to her without her getting angry why should I put myself through this? Ahhhh....The more I think about it the less I want to pursue it. I thought this would be an easy decision if ever presented with this opportunity. I could really use some advice from someone who has been here. Thanks,

[MrBond]

Despite what you want, what did your XW want? Is she willing to put in the work? That needs to be discussed.

[planet]

confusedfather
It's too early to talk about past issues. Continue to do what you are doing and see how it goes. Let your heart guide you. When you feel you are ready to take this to the next stage, you may talk to your W about MC but only if she's committed to it. Slow and easy.
That's my POV.

[AnotherStander]

About a month ago I started seeing signs that W may be looking at starting a relationship again. I confirmed this and we have gone on a couple of dates.

Good! Believe it or not, this is how most reconciliations start out. Take things SLOW. This isn't a race. It's not much different than if you were dating someone new.

There has been little talk about the future of us or mending past mistakes, of course, it may be too early for that.

Yeah, I think it's too early. Hard to tell where it's going yet, so maintain your independence and see where it's going first.

We may find out that the only thing we have in common anymore is our children, which I admit is the biggest reason for me to look at renewing a relationship.

Your kids deserve loving parents who can model to them what a great R looks like. If you and your ex can't find your way back to loving each other then you will do your kids no favors by getting back together.

So the advice I am seeking is how do I start this process?

Keep dating for now. If things get more serious then you're going to need to have a serious talk about what has happened, how BOTH of you have changed and in what ways, and where both of you see things going.

I am afraid that she plans to just start over and not work through any past problems.

I would say that if she has interest in reconciling, then she probably has worked through a lot of her past problems. When you finally left her alone she probably started that journey.

One of the main problems in our marriage was poor communication.

You'll need counseling for that. I also recommend Retrouvaille, although I think they require that you be married to participate in it.

Also read threads on the Piecing forum, it'll give you an idea of how people reconnect. It'll also show you just how much of a roller coaster reconciling is. It's not a linear process!