Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[KGirl]

One "mistake" today followed by one solid step forward, so I guess they balance each other out? : )
H made a big pot of chili for dinner. Since I've offered him food whenever I've been cooking it lately and he always gratefully accepts, I didn't really think twice about asking "is it OK if I have some of that?" to which he said "sure, if you want." Immediately after I grab a bowl, H is texting away, and the first thought in my mind is "great, now he's telling his friend, who will say something about how I'm being manipulative or taking advantage of him or trying to act like we're still married or some other thing because I asked about having a bowl of chili". Note to self - better to not ask H for any help, favors, etc. so there's no reason for me to be seen as manipulative/needy/desperate. And, who knows what he is writing about or texting. He could just as easily be texting his friend about a different topic, or "my wife really appreciates my cooking, so stop demeaning her" While I can recognize when I'm mind reading, I still need to work on stopping myself from doing it before I get too worked up about it.

A little later, the news is on, and before they display someone's mugshot H makes a comment that " I bet they're [racial slur]... see, I knew it!" Then he says in his mocking Kgirl voice "oh, it's not very nice to say that, you're stereotyping and generalizing". This is my usual response when he says something innapropriate (I have a master's degree in social work, so these things get me riled up!), but I am about halfway through Codependent No More, and realized that my reaction to these types of comments was about me and not about teaching him anything. He knows my thoughts on the subject, he knows what is "polite" and what's not, and really my upset-ness about comments like this is my concern about how it reflects on me in front of others. The book drove it home that H's comments do not reflect on me, only on himself. So I said "you're welcome to say whatever you want." He seemed a bit surprised, but caught himself and said "you're right.. I am!". That is my solid step forward/success for the day : ) Hopefully enough to overcome feeling so weird about asking for a bowl of chili. Not sure why it feels weird (pursuing, maybe?) so I need to let it go and start anew.

[KGirl]

I survived the weekend and did not move out after the e-mail/grocery store fiasco noted in the previous posts. I don't know how much is true and how much is bravado, and I'm trying to not take what H's friend said personally. When H came home today he said "[Friend] reminded me that he's met you before... when you brought in the extra cupcakes to work after our wedding." It took everything in my power to not respond with "oh, I can totally see how that lead him to believe I'm a crazy, manipulative woman." I cannot and should not control H's choice of friends/advice-givers, no matter how obviously poor they are. If H admires his friend's life goal to hire a harem of women off the internet for his upcoming 60th birthday (who will hopefully give him a discount because he's in a neck brace right now and can't move very well! I can't help but laugh), I don't want to be a part of that anyway.

I was thinking today about why I hadn't been to see my IC in almost 4 weeks, and the first thought in my head was "well, there's no point in making any changes if H doesn't change his mind." Straight out of DR - need to get it out of my head that he has to make a change first before I do anything! So I scheduled an appointment later this week to talk about codependency in more detail. Everything in that book completely clicked for me. I may not be the adult child of alcoholics, but certainly am the child of a dysfunctional family, with addicts of other kinds.

H has been much more warm and small-talky lately.. which leads me to a question I could use advice on. Tomorrow I plan to go see a movie (it's $5 night at the theater here!), and H has mentioned several times when the previews come on that he also wants to see this same movie. I was thinking of saying something tomorrow like "I'm going to see X movie at 7:45.. you're welcome to come if you'd like" and walk away and see what happens. If I just went w/out saying anything I'd feel pretty cold because I know he wants to see it. But given what I know H and his friend talk about, I now worry about him asking his friend for advice, and friend saying something about how I'm manipulating him, crazy wife can't get it through her thick skull that you're through, get rid of her once and for all, etc. H thinks friend's advice is golden, so I don't want to backslide from whatever may or may not exist (he has to still be in this WAS/EA fog everyone speaks of to not make a move for divorce or move out or even talk about it). It's only been about 3 weeks since I tried to initiate something more relationship-like (see prev. post where I asked about ML and got shot down pretty bad - "nothing's changed, why would I want that?"). As I type it out I may just be temperature checking by asking him... but how literal do I take this rule?
"Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go." Do I risk inviting him, even if it's as nonchalant as "you can come with if you'd like" ?

[artsy]

Oh, man! Do I understand how "friends" can be toxic in these situations! My H is living with a guy who makes ridiculous, horrible decisions in every part of his life (H is always appalled at his friends decisions), but yet he is the current advice-giver in our sitch. That's great! Lol

So, I feel your pain on that! I would not invite him- invite a friend. Not to be mean or anything, but I see it as a GAL opportunity. You don't even need to tell him you're going, really.

If he wanted to work on things or was being nicer, I would invite him. Just my .02
Or invite him on your way out the door. Just as long as you still go!!!

I'm by no means an expert! Lol but that's how I would handle it.

[labug]

Only ask him to go if you can have no expectations about his decision. Can you do that?

What is your motive for asking him? Really think about that.

[KGirl]

I don't really expect him to say yes...so I wouldn't be disappointed. It would give me some time away after work in the evening to just go by myself! My motive...I think there are a few. It feels kinda spiteful to just go without saying anything because I know he wants to see it, and I don't think there are many people that would go see this one with him. But also part of me is curious about his response. That particular motive makes me think I should leave it be.

[labug]

Expectations.

You're S, right? Why would you feel spiteful in not asking him along?

[KGirl]

bug - I don't know how to answer if we're S or not. I'm not sure if that's because I don't want to admit it, or if it is actually confusing. I don't feel like I understand what our status is. The facts are:
Dec. 15 - H tells me he doesn't want to be married anymore (doesn't say the D word), knows he'd be happier with someone else, etc. Over the next few weeks makes comments about how he thinks he can afford the house and wants to buy me out, that we'd have to split up the cell phone plan, a few other logistical things. I do the whole "I don't agree with this but accept it's your decision" thing and say he'll have to call a lawyer to figure it out, but that I think we can do a "do it yourself" or mediation w/ neutral lawyer since there's really nothing we need help settling.
January 2 - H admits to something w/ coworker (EA I guess?), says he feels closer to me after telling me the truth, but "it doesn't change anything"
January 13 - H tells me he'll call a lawyer "sometime this week" because he was "too busy" the previous week. I say OK, just let me know because I want us to be able to do this cooperatively if this is the route we are taking.
January 22 - I approach H about physical contact and am rejected with a "I don't think that's a good idea - nothing has changed"
Since then, zero references or mentions of D, the future, logistics, splitting finances, moving, etc. Occasionally he'll say things like "If you're going to X store, would you be able to get me this thing? I mean, I understand you don't have to, but..." that imply things are in fact different. But he still sits down to watch TV with me, eat dinner at the table (but not in his usual chair), goes to the grocery store with me, etc.

So, if H saying he doesn't want to be married means we're S, then I guess we are, despite living in the same house, watching TV together, etc.? I don't know, it's all very confusing and I guess is why it's hard for me know what's what because the signals seem very mixed.

[KGirl]

As for why feeling spiteful... I don't want to get into a tit-for-tat "well he was out until X time last week and didn't say anything, now I'm gonna go do Y and not say anything, let's see how he likes it!", although it's kind of silly to think that because who knows if he gives two cents what I'm doing right now. And I want to see this movie anyway, so I know inside I'm not being spiteful. But I could see how it could come across as that. The "be mysterious" part of GAL feels like playing games and I want to be sincere in my actions and not play games/try to get a reaction out of someone.

Bottom line - I'm caring too much about what he thinks, again. I'm scared to do anything that will make him resent me, but at this point that could really be anything, so it's impossible to live my life around that.

[labug]

See how you worked your way right through that?

Print this and put it in a place you see everyday:

Bottom line - I'm caring too much about what he thinks, again. I'm scared to do anything that will make him resent me, but at this point that could really be anything, so it's impossible to live my life around that.

[KGirl]

Noted Movie was great! After, though, came home and tried to log on to my tablet (it's set to require a numerical PIN) and got a message saying I had tried to log in 5 times unsuccessfully and would now have to wait one minute. ??? It's so bizarre that I wonder if I hallucinated it. What does it mean when the WAS snoops? I guess I'll mark it as "interesting"... but there is a part in DR after the LRT that talks about progress if your S starts to show curiosity or interest in what your doing. Not sure if trying to see what I'm doing on my tablet qualifies. For about an hour before I went to the movie I was using it to read "Codependent No More" and taking notes on paper - H could clearly see I was doing something more than just surfing because he chose that time to wash dishes, and the sink has a clear line of vision to where I was sitting. *sigh*... so strange.