Just wanted to make a comment about the concept of standing in your sitch.
Standing is for situations where a formerly good spouse of long standing has gone temporarily MLC crazy. Standing is about honoring the past years of good marriage while waiting for a good spouse to recover from their temporary insanity.
BUT - your sitch may not be one of those where that is wise. You've only been together 3 years. In my experience, someone who cheats so soon into a marriage, usually has issues that run way deeper than MLC. You may not be able to see it now, but odds are good that he has some much deeper issue - personality disorder of some kind, or perhaps something else.
Try reading The Sociopath Next Door and see if any of it seems familiar.
Whatever you do, just focus on you and your child and getting your own life together. If he comes around and realizes his mistake - and you decide he's worth taking back - you can make that decision at that time. But don't put ANYTHING in your life on hold waiting for him. As hard as it may be to believe - he may have seemed perfect and charming early in the relationship - the odds that there is some serious underlying pathology there are very high.
Innis - first, I'm sorry you are here, but it's truly one of the best places to be for what you are going through. Gosh, I just finished reading your thread and you are experiencing what we all have or are currently. Your H sounds just like mine. Surprising how similar/scripted all of this is, isn't it?
Yes, handing it over to God (and I am not a a conventionally religious person)sure does help. Ask for help everyday, but remember to ask for help for your H as well. He's going through his own personal hell - demons we can't even imagine even though he has a mask on to hide it all. But it doesn't lessen your pain from being totally cut out of his life - as if you don't even exist. I feel the same way as you. I recently told my H that I felt like he just cut me off like a diseased appendage and threw me in a ditch by the side of the road. Probably shouldn't have said it, but I have expressed little to him over the past 9 months this has been going on. We are now seeing a mediator working toward D. Bleck.....
Anyway, my labored point (sorry)is by releasing it to a higher power is going to help so much. Doesn't mean you aren't going to have those down days, but realizing you have no control over him and trusting God to deal with him, will help you stay the course. It's his journey, one you are not allowed to go on with him despite your want to do so. You have a daughter who needs you so much more - be the woman you want her to be.
And come here often where you are unconditionally loved and highly understood.
My love to to you.
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Prancing on the stage with my bright yellow feather boa around my neck.
This Wonka is a she.
OMgoodness! Please forgive me Wonka!!!
BD-Aug 2009 OW Confirmed H moves out Dec 2009 D filed by H-Mar 2010 H asks to come home April 2011 BD AGAIN 1-15-2014! H seeing FOW! H ran away again! 1-18-2014
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much everyone. I have been away with D as I performed in a concert Saturday eve - the one that WAP and I were supposed to be performing together - the organiser found another singer. It is literally 10 mins from WAPs sisters house and twenty minutes from where I know ow lives/ lived with her husband. I played well but have been in pain. I keep being reminded of his words at BD -
"I want 2014 to be a year of rejuvenation and new beginnings and that means that some doors must close."
Is this normal MLC script???
I also am pretty sure that WAP is with ow this weekend at a yoga retreat. I am reading from the bible and trying to pass this over to God. I am trying to trust in the bigger picture - I need to turn more to God. I truly of not know what I would go without this site and all of this support at the moment. My situation often feels bleak at the moment. Hi everyone,
Thanks very much for your posts - I appreciate your advice and support - as always.....
I think it was klm that posted? Re my WAP not being MLC because of the time frame/affair etc - is MLC on a timeline re the relationship? Yes, what you say is possible - my WAP dies NOT have a blemish free history. However he seemed devoted for a good amount of time in our relationship and, despite the depression and withdrawing he seemed to still want to try and make it work. The deterioration over the last few months - his worsening depression - withdrawal - self medication with OW until BANG - BD - and him showing so much of the script....sure it is more MLC... Gosh - I dont know any more... The affair, at this early stage after BD - is one of the hardest things to cope with....that and the feeling of being deleted. The more I educate myself here on this site and the more books I read the more I realise the process - so yes, reading is crucial for my well being and sense of stability at the moment. I feel a bit better now that I am home in our apartment - I found the weekend hard being so close to places that I know so well connected to WAP. As each day goes by I am finding that I am having to accept the process of letting go. I have no choice in that my D and I have to continue with our life. We have things to be happy about and to be proud of. I think its the shock of the extreme change. I spoke to/was in contact with WAP every day of our time together. It has now been nearly 6 weeks since BD and over a week since any email contact (and that email contact was business like and perfunctory by him). Unlike a lot of people here now that I moved my things out of his house there is no particular contact/connection. I sometimes wonder whether I moved my things too quickly???? My underlying sense is no - I didnt. Reading threads about OW etc people often advise to not accept particular modes of contact under those circumstances - I couldnt continue to have our things in his house when he is in full blown PA with her. He has also told me its over etc. However I moved very quickly (everything out in 4 days) and I think, at first at least, that surprised him. Now - SILENCE........No contact.......No spewing - no monster etc Do any of you have the experience of WAH/W/P going completely silent so soon after BD.... I am starting to suspect that this may be an extreme case of MLC - there seems no interest in him knowing ANYTHING about our lives, where or how we are. I am slowly trying to detach and to live as if he may never return. I am sure at the moment he is not the right person for either of us to be around. It is in Gods hands now but the patience required is HUGE.......and the level of emotional discipline on the part of the LBS not to be affected by the affair/alienator. Trying so hard to be strong Thank you x
Everything you described sounds like typical (if you can call it that!) MLC.
My H has gone through long periods of silence. Silence, not only with me, but with our daughters. Currently, he doesn't even text or call them. He cancelled the last visitation with D11.
There's absolutely nothing unusual, in terms of MLC, in what you described. I know it seems like extreme change and it's easy to jump to some sort of conclusion. Don't. It's a waste of precious energy that you need right now for you and your daughter.
I know how hard this is. Probably, the hardest thing you will ever do.
Leave him to his journey. Respect his no contact by living your life and taking care of your daughter. Treat this as if he has died. If he comes back from the dead, it will be a wonderful return of the Prodigal Son. In the meantime, focus on YOU.
You can do this. I know it. You don't need to try to be strong, YOU ARE STRONG.
Lots of love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
innishannnon, May of them go silent quickly and stay that way until they need something. What you have posted is typical mlc script. I know you are sitting there wondering and asking yourself if you've done the right things and in my opinion yes, you did. You couldn't leave your belongings in the home, especially since he had told you that it was over and also because of the ow. There is no telling what he would have done w/your belongings had you not gone there and gotten them. So, check that what if off your list.
Right now, he's off into the world of selfish me and the euphoria of the affair and his new life is consuming his time. You and your daughter are put away in a box and stored in one of the compartments in his mind. There may be times that he thinks about you, especially when it comes to places you visited or certain music, etc...but they try very hard to keep us in the box.
For now, you have to find a way to accept the fact that there is nothing you could have done differently because you didn't cause this mlc situation and you can't fix him. The only thing you can do is let him go. If he wakes up and decides he wants to try to reconcile, then you will be the one to make the final decision on that...but from where I'm sitting...that could be a very long time from now, possibly 2-7 years or longer, depending upon whether he faces his issues, accepts those things that he couldn't/can't change and grows up. If he doesn't grow up and mature properly, he'll be an old, lost and miserable teenager for the rest of his life.
Keep the focus on you and your daughter. This is now your time to things for the two of you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re my WAP not being MLC because of the time frame/affair etc - is MLC on a timeline re the relationship? Yes, what you say is possible - my WAP dies NOT have a blemish free history.
No, there's no time prerequisite on MLC, BUT - I'm just pointing out that it's relatively uncommon for this to occur so early in a relationship without there being some other underlying pathology. And if, as you say, his past is not "blemish free" - you may need to look a little more closely at that past and see if this is just a predictable repetition of an old pattern.
I've seen two patterns on this board when a marriage (or serious relationship) falls apart so early:
1) The spouse was cheating all along. Many times a marriage that falls apart in the first year or two, it turns out the spouse was already cheating BEFORE the wedding! You may think it is impossible but just like drug addicts, they can be very adept at hiding things.
or 2) The WAS has a history of sudden turnabouts like this. Many posters here thought somehow THEY would be different from the previous three wives left without child support, and are surprised when their spouse walks away that he treats THEIR children with the same disregard he did his children from his previous marriages.
Please read that book on The Sociopath Next Door. My sister was married to one. He seemed like the perfect loving husband, then walked out one day. Turns out he would play kissy face/"I love you baby" at the door when getting picked up for work, then complain about my sister all the way to work to his co-worker. She had no idea. He's had two marriages since and 2 more children besides my niece and has abandoned them all with the same abruptness. Sociopaths can be very very good at playing a part - until they no longer want to play it.
What do you really know about his past relationships? Do you only have HIS version, or have you ever spoken to any of his previous partners? Did he leave someone to be with you?
