The truth to why I didn't move is simple. My job is currently filling a H1 for me. I'm not from here. I came here 15yrs ago for school. The process takes 3yrs. I'm also in the last yr of my contract and also getting my status changed in two month.
I did not move because I was under contract and my company also file H1 for me. It's not about money eric. We grow up not having a lot, but we're comfortable with the little we have. It kills me not to be with family, reading to my daughter and putting her to sleep every night. I was handicapped, my H1 was not ready. If I leave I waste time and other stuff. The opportunity of staying with the same company. Moving will means no work for at least a year. We have big bills that that her income can not even pay half of it. It was a joint decision for me to stay. So I can support us.
Stop trying to read everything she says....You are giving me a headache, so I can only imagine what you are feeling at the moment....Ok...I remember, such dark days. Now on to better thoughts!!!!
I hate to tell you Lost, your marriage as you knew it is dead!!! No matter if you reconcile or not, The marriage of old is dead.
Now Eric asked you some specific and prime questions that you can't or unwilling to answer? That should bother you, because you should be able to answer them!
Now I am going to be brutal here....This is my take on things:
You mental view of marriage is that you buy love (actions prove this). Now your dad did this for your mom, but guess what? You aren't your dad and your wife isn't your mom. So you learned this behavior as a child....I suggest learning a new approach to relationships.
You have put job and school in front of family. I get this!! I did it also!! Like Eric, I was a good husband and father. What I learned was I could be better at both.....and how I had been wasn't no where need the best I could be. I can tell you this....once a month to see my kids....NO WAY!!! I would be looking for what ever way I could to see my kids more than that.
You and the wife haven't really been married for 8 years have you? Think about that.....maybe married in a legal sense, but not in a nurturing, partnering, loving sort of way. You have been really separated for must of your marriage because of school and work. Now you will reply that we were married and I paid for everything....because paying for everything is how you learned to show love (not your fault...just is). That isn't marriage my man....not close.
You asked about my outcome and Eric's....Now I will let you into a little secret about us vets. About half have saved their marriages while the other half did not.....But to a man and woman we all saved ourselves....rebuilt the old us in a better manner. We overcame adversity you haven't yet faced in your situation!!! Then, after all that pain and suffering we endured, overcame, and then moved on from...We learned to positively pass it on.
So now Lost!...answer some of the questions. Not the easy quick ones based on the wife....The ones based on you and the man you want to become.
By the way.....Enjoy the snow, it is already snowing here in the mountains a few hours north of you.
“Our marriage is over for now" can you guys kindly break this down for me
I think LFW just did. I’ll give you my take. Usually, by the time someone arrives here. The old M is destroyed. Gone. In many cases, that is a good thing. Both people made mistakes and if possible create a NEW R. Make sense?
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She also said lawyer cost money and will file when she have some money, but we definitely inform me before filling. She said she's not in a rush or sure when she be filling.
Talk to your L and figure out what your rights are. Then make a decision that YOU feel is the right one. If you want to continue to stand and not file – go for it. My point is, that YOU need to figure out what YOU want to do. Not always REACT to what she does. Can you see the difference?
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Could this be her way of putting me on backup while she figure things out with OM?
Okay….my answer to this is……
The winning powerball numbers for tomorrow are: 6, 8, 25, 46, 32, 4 and 9.
Seriously, no one here can tell you what she is thinking. The more you keep focused on that the more you do not focus on YOU.
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I spoke to a female lawyer this morning and planned on going to her office tomorrow.
Have your list of questions ready!
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My job is currently filling a H1 for me. I'm not from here.
Are you legally married? I now understand why you have not moved. I thought and I may be wrong that as long as you were married to an American citizen that you automatically get a green card. Is this not the case?
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It's not about money eric.
On one hand you say this ^^^^^
Then you say this…
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We have big bills that that her income can not even pay half of it. It was a joint decision for me to stay. So I can support us.
There is nothing wrong with factoring in finances. It just seems to be a lot about money. FTR, I was the same way. They key word being “was”.
You say you have “big bills” – what can you do to get rid of some of them? I know you mentioned a car that you purchased for her. Can you sell it? What about the 4,000 SF home you are building. Can you sell it? My point, is what changes can you make in your life so that you are not so tied the income that you have to receive in order to stay afloat. Think about it…if you needed less, then you could accept less – even if that less meant being closer to your daughter at some point.
Lost – I lived this way for a long time. Made a lot, took care of the family, incurred a lot of bills taking care of the family. I did it because I thought that is what everyone wanted..and maybe it was. It sure was not what I wanted. I have had to learn to rely on less. Yes having disposable income is nice. It is also nice to be able to see my kids, spend time with them. It is also nice to (at least in my sitch) continue to move forward getting out of debt. I know you have heard the saying before, money does not make you happy. It really does not. It helps to eliminate some of the stresses in life – that I agree with. It will though not make you happy.
So once again….please read through your post and answer the questions that have been asked. The answers are for you buddy.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I know that you have no idea who I am, or what I stand for. And for me to post to you and tell you that I would recommend that you listen to the others that have posted to you, would mean very little.
When I first came to these boards over 6 years ago, I was much like you. I was overwhelmed at what had become my life, and I was blindsided by what my (now)Ex wife had done TO me.
I couldn't imagine why this woman, that I cherished with all of my heart, would ever want to leave, and find a life other than what I had "given" her.
What could be so wrong with it ???
I had given her my all, or so I thought I had...
I have been where you are, and so have the others that have posted to you. We KNOW how badly this hurts, and the sting of the sleepless nights. The bottomless feeling in your stomach that won't allow you to eat. The thoughts of life not being worth living now. The thought that if this ever happened to you, that you would die.
I can tell you this much, and it may or may not mean much to you....
The worst thing that you ever thought that could happen to you, already has happened to you. And guess what ??
You are still here, and you have been given this incredible opportunity , and while you will not see that for quite a while, you have to proceed with blind trust that it will happen (as long as you do not hide from yourself).
These other people posting to you ??
They all started here with the same questions as you have. They all have felt the same pain as you are feeling right now...
I remember reading their first posts, and posting very similar thing to them when they first came to these boards. And I remember them fighting the process, and questioning the process. DBing is counter-intuitive, and it will seem the exact opposite of every thing that you think SHOULD be the correct thing to do.
I remember reading the posts of people that were a couple years ahead of me when I first started reading here, and thinking that there was NO WAY, that I would ever feel good again. I can tell you that I was wrong. I would seek out the advice of Sandi2, and I would try to absorb every ounce of knowledge that she would expend.
The first thing that needs to happen, is that you need to slow down, and start to breathe again. You need to know, that no matter what happens with the outcome of this, YOU WILL BE OKAY...
This will not kill you, and it will make you stronger....
The past is behind you. There is nothing that you can do to change it. The only thing that you CAN do, is to learn from it, so that mistakes will not happen again in the future.
There is NOTHING that you can DO, to change her mind, and to try, will be a fruitless waste of time. There are NO quick fixes for this, nor should you want that...
This did not break overnight, and it cannot be fixed overnight.
For now, PLEASE try and slow down. Eat something, get some sleep, and try to not focus on what could be.
You will not talk your way out of a situation, that you acted your way into....
Your future hasn't been written yet, and just because you MAY divorce, it doesn't mean that IF you can do the hard work ( which will be focused on down the road), that you cannot have a brand new relationship with your current spouse in the future.
I believe that Eric asked you some questions???
Take the time to answer them. Not for him, rather for you...
Nobody here is against you Lost, please remember that...
@eric. You right about the green card thing, but it take a little longer to process when married. You have to wait. My job offer to do it and pay all the cost. W and I agree that was the best way to go then
I made the list already. I'm seeing my lawyer tomorrow. Let me know what other question you have for me. I bought her stuff because I care. The car was supposed to be a anniversary gift. She asked for it early, not knowing the whole thing was a planned with her and OM. I buy her stuff because she's my wife and I love her. I buy her stuff because she was not making a lot. Not to win her heart, I thought I already got that 9yrs ago. I'll answer any question eric. I plan on selling or finishing the house. Waiting to talk to my lawyer before doing anything. I'm taking the car to a local car lot or online auction to sell it.
My job require I and w to speak to a therapist. She declined to that with me. I'm not waiting on her. I'm going forward with the appeal without her. I'll at least say I try If my appeal is denied, I think I should be fine for 3 more month.
Question from lovethehub on 2/8 at 2:22 PM - How much are you financially supporting her at this time?
These are the questions from yesterday at 10:51 am.
What kinds of hobbies do you have?
First, how do you define respect?
Secondly, do you need someone to respect YOU in order for YOU to respect YOURSELF?
These are the questions from Today at 9:26 am
….WHO does LOST want to be?
What kind of man does Lost want to be?
what does her being my friend mean to me?
Do you have friends?
Do you have a dog?
Why did you try and buy her?
Do you not love and respect yourself?
Has this been a pattern in your life?
Do you give always to expect to receive?
Why did you feel the need to buy her everything? Was it because of the sex?
Did you agree to have a kid to keep her?
Do you think you own her?
Do you think that having the kids would change her? Make her want to be with you in the perfect family?
Do you notice that when she left you started drinking and so have you asked yourself why is it that you did that?
What do you think is in your D best interest? And please do not tell me a united family – I get that..tell me what is best for your daughter if you and your W divorce.
Have you checked your credit card balances? Do you know if she opened any new credit cards in her name (in most state while you are legally married that is considered marital debt)?
These are the questions from today at 11:16 AM
do you know how YOUR W gave love?
Is the way that you show love is to buy things?
What did she do for YOU?
How did you feel love from her?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
