Sex-Starved??? That's an understatement!

[LFC1170]

Hi, also new here.

About my situation. I met my wife in 1996. Fell in love and married in 2000. Had my son in 2003. A very difficult pregnancy for her. My son was diagnosed to be on the Autistic spectrum in 2006. I believed we were happy and a very loving couple. Something changed after my son was born. Our sex life slowed to a crawl and finally ceased. We have had sex 5 times in the last 11 yrs!

Naturally, I became very bitter and resentful so she became more withdrawn. I approached her many times for us to seek counseling but she refused stating she thought nothing was wrong and it wasn't me it was her issues. She suggested her going to doctors but in the end she did nothing. This made me very irritable and I projected all my daily stresses on her. I knew this was not fair but I couldn't help myself. I even developed some prostate conditions from not having sex anymore. She told me she was sorry and she would "help" out more but again did nothing. My self-esteem was at an all-time low.

After 9 yrs of banging my head against the wall in trying to reach her (the ultimate test of patience) she drops the bomb in 2012, saying it was me the whole time and she wasn't happy either. Really? I was crushed! Here I felt less than a man all these years not being able to please my wife, being patient, believing she would come around then she hits me with this.

Here's the rub. She WANTS to leave but she hardly works, has no car, and no money so she CAN'T leave! My family says I should throw her out but she has my son so I don't. I CAN'T! This has gone on for almost 2 more years. I used that time to beg, plead, cry, literally got down on my knees but I can't touch her heart. We went to counseling where I wanted to work on my marriage but to my surprise she only wanted to learn how to deal with the situation and be amicable. She didn't want to work on it. She told me that she loved me but wasn't IN love with me. I began to sleep on the couch, got back problems and became depressed. I couldn't believe I wouldn't get a second chance. There has been no affairs, no physical abuse, substance abuse or bad vices. I gave her a deadline to file. Doctor prescribed anti-depressants and the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I read the book.

On top of this my Grandmother, whom I was close to, passed because of cancer. I was basically done but decided to find a self-help book on dealing with divorce. Thank god I found MWD's "The Divorce Remedy". This book along with M/V opened my eyes completely. I realize that what we were going through was common and, because we did not know how to communicate, was almost inevitable. I realized that all her complaints about me was justified, just as all my reactions towards her were normal.

I love my wife. I still do. I believe when I said "I do" it was for life. I immediately employed the LRT. I stopped pursuing. Did a 180 (where I was cold I became warm). I did little loving things. I learned to listen without being critical and judgmental. I withdrew the deadline. I joined a gym and started visiting family members regularly. I realized all the hurtful things she was saying was because her hurt was deep. Her being irrational and illogical, to me, was because she was blinded by the pain even though outwardly she didn't show it.

I want to be patient. Lord knows i've already shown as much patience than any man i've known. My marriage being sex-starved is a gross understatement. MWD says in DR that there should be 1 month of work for every 1 year of hurt. That means almost a whole YEAR of work. I would absolutely be despondent if after all that work I still can't reach her. How long can I or should I employ MWD's techniques without a response before I give up? I still support her and my boy fully and at times I feel like a real sucker but I have no idea what to do. Im in real Limbo.

Thanks for listening.

[sgctxok]

Hi LC --

I'm so sorry for all you are going through and have gone through.



As you can tell by your experience and your information on this site and Divorce Remedy, you have found some things most often don't work, and even make the situation worse (like begging and pleading).

You have also seen that it isn't hopeless. These situations can and do turn around and marriages like yours can become more loving than ever. You can also tell, that going to counseling doesn't solve the problem

You also do not -- for awhile -- need your wife's 'cooperation' to turn your situation around.

So, begin afresh with a new mindset. I welcome you here where you will find folks that can help you brainstorm new approaches for changing your situation. Focus on positives and folks with positive solutions to offer.


So, on that note, what is going well between you and your wife, and what is going well in your life?

What were the things that initially attracted you and your wife to each other?

What are the positives that have gotten away from you -- things you used to do back when you both were happy?


Wishing you every good thing and every blessing

[AnotherStander]

MWD says in DR that there should be 1 month of work for every 1 year of hurt. That means almost a whole YEAR of work

Does that seem like a long time? Because it's really not. Most of the reconciliation stories here involved at least a year of DB'ing, often it was much longer than a year. You'll see it said often here that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

How long can I or should I employ MWD's techniques without a response before I give up?

DB'ing is all about working on yourself and leaving your WAS alone. Make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave. Then -maybe- she'll consider getting back together. But to answer your question, since you're working on YOU, you don't ever give up. It's for life.

Good luck!

[LFC1170]

Thank you for that support

[LFC1170]

Mod, is it normal for the most recent post to be approved before ones that came before?

[LFC1170]

I'm credited with 5 but only see 4

[labug]

It seems you're off moderation. Post often and post to other threads so people can find you.

[LFC1170]

sorry sg, it seems my initial reply to you was lost. I will try to recall what I said.

Right now it seems we are a regular couple from the outside. My family even asks, when they see us together, if we made up. Behind closed doors though is a different story. We virtually have no contact with each other, which in a way is so confusing to me.

I lost about 40lbs since I started working out so I guess that's going well. Nothing else is though.

Initially we shared a strong physical attraction to each other but we didn't really have many common interests.

When we were loving we used to always hold hands.We went to church together and held hands during sermons. We shared tiny kisses but when my sexual needs weren't being met I rejected and was cold to those kisses. Now they are taken away and I would do anything to have them back. It's true when they say you don't know what you got till it's gone.

[LFC1170]

Another Stander, You're right when you say a year is not a long time but I can't help adding it to the 11 before it.

[LFC1170]

I think she's going through a MLC. She uses terms from the 80's. She adopted a new personality that combines everything that bothered her about mine. She curses alot. She's yelling and screaming at my son. She never used to drink, now she buys beer for the house. I don't drink. She goes out with her friends who are 20 and 30 somethings. She calls me DUDE which I HATE! It's so impersonal. When we're home together she stays in the bedroom and doesn't come out.

Yesterday I went to ask her something in the bedroom and when I opened the door I found her on the bed on her knees acting out some kind of fantasy in very sexy underwear she bought herself. Grinding and caressing her body while singing some sexy songs and looking in the mirror. The music was so loud she didn't even notice me. I closed the door to not interrupt her but all I felt was sadness. This woman was making herself feel sexy when it should have been my job as a husband to help her feel that way as much as possible. I failed. This is an upstanding Christian woman who, when we were together I thought, would in no way take part in the behaviors i'm witnessing now.

"Who are you and what have you done with my wife?"