Won't stop affair. Want divorce now.

[Lost!]

So sorry for all the errors. I'm myself.

[Lostforwords]

Advice = Start Listening....Start hearing (On this board)

Advice = Stop talking with wife and listening to others (outside of board)

Until you start doing this....We can't help you much more than what has already been done.

FYI....You will need to end the pity party and bragging about everything you have done for her....That isn't attractive behavior to females....Not any I know at least.

"Something isn't right here"- In this place...on the board....Things a rarely right, but DB helps you deal with that. That said, You have to start listening and hearing.

To change your world, you have to change your life first. Right now you are fighting doing that....Read Eric's early posts. All the way to his current posts and SEE the difference DB can make in a persons life.

Or you can ignore everything....Your Choice.

[Lost!]

@lostforwards.

I completely agree with you, Eric and sandi2. I think I messed things up more. I'm not completely giving up but working on me incase if this marrige fail. She said she's not sure when she will file but at this point our marriage is done. I told her okay. She said she care about me a lot and want us to be friends. She said she's ashame of what she did, but moving forward with her life. She said our marriage is done for now. I honestly don't get what she saying there. Anyway I've decided to do the no contact. I promise I'll
Do it. I promise I'll not call/text her again. You have my word. How long should I do the no call or text? It's kind of difficult because she was my best friend. Not having that loving relationship is hard for me. She told me to get rid of the picture in the house. She said that picture is our memory and Time together and should be kept. I've a lot on my plate and need to start working on that rather than thinking of her. Thank you guys! Pls don't give up me.

[ericmsant2]

Lost

I am so sorry to hear that your W now wants a D. No one here can guarantee that she will change her mind. No one EXCEPT her can really change her mind. So as someone already mentioned to you, you need to look at this two ways – the first is the emotional aspect of this. The second the business aspect. I’ll start with the emotional side first.

I messed things up more

STOP thinking that EVERY ACTION you take will result in some REACTION from her. She is going to do what she wants to do. YOU need to do what you think you need to do. The first issue that I believe you need to figure out is….WHO does LOST want to be? What kind of man does Lost want to be? What kind of father does LOST want to be? Once you figure this out you next step is to start making decisions for YOUR life that are consistent with who YOU want to be. For the record there is no right or wrong answer – the answer if very personal to YOU. Let me give you an example: I wanted to become a better father, a better partner, a better friend and an all around better human being. I wanted to have more happiness in my life. The steps I took – and Lord knows I made a ton of mistakes – all were to move me closer to becoming that person. Better father = that meant I spent more time with my kids, I listened to them more, I no longer sweated the small stuff, I no longer got pissed off if they made their own choice and not the choice that I wanted. I learned to have more fun with them. Learned that they needed to make mistakes and that I could not always “fix it”. I am still a work in progress but the steps I take day in and day out align with my goal to be a better dad. I wanted to be a better partner – this to me meant that I needed to learn how to communicate better, I needed to learn the difference between what I defined as selfishness and what others defined as selfish. Much like being a better dad, I also needed to learn how to listen, how to validate, how to accept that my partner does not have to be like me. I was not easy, and I am still a work in progress. So who does Lost really want to be? Please answer this question. Take your time, think about it.

I'm not completely giving up but working on me incase if this marrige fail.

“in case the M fails” – Sorry man if that is why you are working on you – you might as well stop now. The changes if any will not be sustainable. You need to change for YOU. You need to change because YOU want to. Yes, your W and your family can be a catalyst but the change really has to be for YOU.

She said she care about me a lot and want us to be friends

And believe it or not, in some messed up way she probably does care about you. The friend part, IMO, is standard for a WAS. She wants to be friends so that SHE FEELS BETTER about herself. The question you will need to ask yourself is…..”what does her being my friend mean to me”? I suspect that her definition of friend is very different that yours.

She said she's ashame of what she did, but moving forward with her life.

She should be! Now, if she is truly ashamed…how is she going to act during (if it happens) the d process. I’ll touch on this in a sec…

I've decided to do the no contact. I promise I'll Do it. I promise I'll not call/text her again.

Stop making promises that you probably cannot keep. The only promise you should make is 1) to YOURSELF not to her, me or anyone else and 2) you promise should be to be the best person you can be.

It's kind of difficult because she was my best friend.

She is NOT your best friend now. She is f*cking someone else. ACCEPT it…that is your reality. She may become your best friend again in the future but no one can say that is the case. DB101 – LIVE IN THE MOMENT and right now, I think you know what your moment is.

Not having that loving relationship is hard for me.

Do you have friends? Do you have a dog? Yes this is hard. Yes it stinks. Try as hard as you can to “thought stop” (another DB approach). By thought stop, I mean train your mind to think of happy thoughts as soon as you start to feel bad or get angry. When I was going through this, I learned to take long walks. I sooo loved the summer. The sun would be out and I would picture myself on the beach. It helped me to stop thinking about all of the crap that was going on.

She told me to get rid of the picture in the house.

She is gonna tell you a lot of things. Things that SHE WANTS DONE. You goal here…is to become YOUR own person! Your goal is to learn how to stand up for yourself and become a man that any women would be a fool to leave. F*ck what she wants.

I've a lot on my plate and need to start working on that rather than thinking of her

This was the best line I have seen from you since you have been posting. Start working on YOU LOST. Now…in terms of working on you…here are a couple of suggestions…..


1) You have mentioned several times the things that you purchased for her. Stop it. Believe it or not, YOU CANNOT BUY Love. It seems to me, that you put her on such a pedal stool, that she lost respect for YOU. As Sandi mentioned, a women who does not respect you cannot really Love you. So the question here is…..1) Why did you try and buy her? 2) Do you not love and respect yourself? 3) Has this been a pattern in your life? Do you give always to expect to receive? Did your dad buy your mother everything? Why did you feel the need to buy her everything? Was it because of the sex?

2) Why did you agree to be away from your D? I get the whole school thing….but why then have a kid if you were going to be away for a period of time? Did you agree to have a kid to keep her? Do you think you own her? Do you think that having the kids would change her? Make her want to be with you in the perfect family?


3) Do you notice that when she left you started drinking and so have you asked yourself why is it that you did that?

4) Do you have friends? Why? Is it because you are front South Africa?

Okay on to the business side.

She has said she is going to file. You need to believe her. As much as it [censored]…you need to go see a lawyer to understand your rights. It may make more sense for YOU to file, in order to protect your rights to your daughter. The business is very scary. You need to look that FEAR right in the face and deal with it. You cannot be afraid or you will suffer. That does not mean you need to be a d*ck. It just means that you need to find a lawyer that you trust and feel very comfortable with. It means that your lawyer is your attack dog but YOU hold the leash.

How often do YOU want to see your D? Can you move closer to your D? Is your d close to you? What do you think is in your D best interest? And please do not tell me a united family – I get that..tell me what is best for your daughter if you and your W divorce.

What state are you in and what state in your W in? I understand this is personal and you may not want to disclose it but the divorce laws in each state vary, so knowing can help ensure that you get the right responses from people on the boards.

Finally, who is the breadwinner between you and your W? Trust me when I tell you, that she will want to be your friend as long as you continue to fund her lifestyle. The minute you say NO to anything that SHE wants…well then, you will see a different friend show up. Without knowing all of the details of your sitch, I suspect that you are the breadwinner and she was the “studying mom…who is just trying to provide for her daughter”. If my assumptions are correct (and I can be wrong here – so take what I say with a grain of salt), then your W may want you to continue to fund her entire life.

Have you checked your credit card balances? Do you know if she opened any new credit cards in her name (in most state while you are legally married that is considered marital debt)?

So your homework on the business side is as follows:

1) Find a good lawyer and get a consultation asap. Have your questions written down. Realize that your L is not your therapist. Your L will help explain the legal side of things – he or she will not be able to tell if your w is going to wake up.
2) Research what your rights are as it relates to your D.
3) Write down what you want – Do you want your D every other weekend, do you want her full time, etc.

Peace,
Eric

[Lost!]

@ Eric. The answer to that is so simple. My father gave us everything. Took very good care of my mom. Bought her everything she want because she was a good mother. My wife knows that about me. I'm a very caring and loving man. I did all that for her because that's the kind of home I came from. She was very nice and appreciative of everything at the beginning. But the distance kind of kill everything. She's not even close to mother. My mother will not do all this to my father. I'm done studying her for now. Time to work on me and get myself better. Thanks Eric, pls continue to be there for me. I appreciate all your help

[Lost!]

@eric

She make some money now but I'm the breadwinner of the family. I pretty much pay for everything. The reason for not moving with her was because of my job. I was under contract. My employer also promise to open a new clinic where I can Pratice if i stayed with them for the length of my contract. That was a good news for us because I planned on moving with her to start her new job. I also told her last year that the distance is affecting me and I need her to come home or I move down there. She talked me into staying and looking at the big picture. We're both medical professional.

[ericmsant2]

Lost

Can you please answer the question in the earlier posts. It seems like you only respond to a few questions – not the harder ones. This tells me that 1) you are not taking the time to read them and/or 2) you really are looking for the silver bullet to get your W back. Both are not good for YOU. I am trying to help you but I need your help to do so.

My father gave us everything. Took very good care of my mom. Bought her everything she want because she was a good mother.

So in some ways what you saw growing up impacted how you treated your W. Is the way that you show love is to buy things? Take a step back for a second and think about it. You were apart from your W for years – so physical intimacy was impacted on some level. By physical I do not just mean sex. I mean physical…a touch, a hug, a kiss. Since you and your W were apart you really could not do this. Right? So…was the way YOU showed YOUR wife love …to buy her things and take care of her financially? Following the same thought process, do you know how YOUR W gave love? What did she do for YOU? How did you feel love from her?

But the distance kind of kill everything

Reverse the roles for a second. Say you were in her shoes, away from home and she was home 12 hours away. Would YOU have wanted her to move down? Why did you really go this long and this distant from your D?

Time to work on me and get myself better

Then answer the questions that I keep asking.

She make some money now but I'm the breadwinner of the family. I pretty much pay for everything.

Maybe I am misreading you..or misunderstanding you. The way you write this ^^ to me comes across as very cocky. A little machismo in my opinion. Yes you paid for everything – we have heard this from you oh….a million times. Beside pay for chit what did you do for your W. Emotionally? What did you do?

Something else to add to your homework…..go pick up the book the five love languages. Read it slowly..

The reason for not moving with her was because of my job.

Part of me understands this on some level. It was after all the OLD me. Work..money…provide… yeah…I was the man. Except I wasn’t. I could have been a better H. Could have been a better father. Was I a horrible H – NO. was I a horrible father? NO. I could though have been better. Better yet….I’ll put myself in your spot. I was offered a job to move to Tokyo. A HUGE increase in salary. Big bucks. Corporate expense acct. I said NO. Why? Cause my kids matter. My partner matters. Lost – MONEY is NOT EVERYTHING. It really is not. So….as I asked before…what are your plans with YOUR daughter? She is (3 I think). She needs her DAD.

I also told her last year that the distance is affecting me and I need her to come home or I move down there. She talked me into staying and looking at the big picture.

Considering this post ^^^^…..I want you to think about something. One word comes to mind. CONVICTION. IF you wanted to move down to be closer to her. Why didn’t YOU. Maybe the action would have shown her that YOU made a choice (you really showed male leadership) to be closer to her and your D. I totally get the contact thing. Totally. You are both medical professional – I’m sure you could have found something where she lived. Why didn’t you just move? Search yourself for the answer. I suspect that the answer had to do with MONEY. Your income potential. Answer….Lost…why did you not move to be closer to the women who you loved and your little girl?

[Lost!]

@eric
Wow! I already listed 24 things I want in the divorce. I definitely want a joint custody. She will be moving 8hrs away from me in 4month. I definitively want to continue to see my daughter every month. She will be making better income in 4month, so I definitely want both of us to be responsible for caring for her. No more me with everything. I live in Atlanta and she reside in DC. So Eric, what happend to your marriage?

[ericmsant2]

Lost

I definitely want a joint custody

Joint is almost a given in every state. How often will you want to see your D? Moving 8 hrs away is going to put a burden on your daughter. Do you really think that she will want to drive 8 hrs or fly every other week/end? Not saying that you are wrong. Just giving you something to consider.

I live in Atlanta and she reside in DC

I love both cities! Although I would prefer DC if I had a choice. DC has a lot to offer. A little expensive, but you can always live outside DC.

So Eric, what happend to your marriage?

You can read my entire story on these boards. I recently posted an update over in the MCL section. If you direct question is did I save my M. My answer is NO. Saving my M was not in my cards. I did though....save myself. So...once again, if you really do not feel that you need to change things for yourself and the only reason you are here is simply to get your W back. The only thing I can say to you is.....saving YOU - GIVES you the BEST chance to save your M. That is my opinion. Others may disagree.

As lostforwords suggested....read my story...if you go to my last post, it has links to all of my other posts in order.

Oh...you still have some questions to answer.


Peace,
Eric

[Lost!]

@eric, loveforwards, sandi2 and everybody

"Our marriage is over for now" can you guys kindly break this down for me. I'm thinking she saying since I won't stop talking about her and OM, she will rather relieve me of my pain for now and end things. Maybe we can talk about us the future. I haven't spoken to her since last night and plan on keeping it that way for now. She also said lawyer cost money and will file when she have some money, but we definitely inform me before filling. She said she's not in a rush or sure when she be filling. Could this be her way of putting me on backup while she figure things out with OM? I'm not pinning my hopes on all this but trying to get you guys opinion. I spoke to a female lawyer this morning and planned on going to her office tomorrow.