Won't stop affair. Want divorce now.

[ericmsant2]

Lost

I am so sorry to hear that your W now wants a D. No one here can guarantee that she will change her mind. No one EXCEPT her can really change her mind. So as someone already mentioned to you, you need to look at this two ways – the first is the emotional aspect of this. The second the business aspect. I’ll start with the emotional side first.

I messed things up more

STOP thinking that EVERY ACTION you take will result in some REACTION from her. She is going to do what she wants to do. YOU need to do what you think you need to do. The first issue that I believe you need to figure out is….WHO does LOST want to be? What kind of man does Lost want to be? What kind of father does LOST want to be? Once you figure this out you next step is to start making decisions for YOUR life that are consistent with who YOU want to be. For the record there is no right or wrong answer – the answer if very personal to YOU. Let me give you an example: I wanted to become a better father, a better partner, a better friend and an all around better human being. I wanted to have more happiness in my life. The steps I took – and Lord knows I made a ton of mistakes – all were to move me closer to becoming that person. Better father = that meant I spent more time with my kids, I listened to them more, I no longer sweated the small stuff, I no longer got pissed off if they made their own choice and not the choice that I wanted. I learned to have more fun with them. Learned that they needed to make mistakes and that I could not always “fix it”. I am still a work in progress but the steps I take day in and day out align with my goal to be a better dad. I wanted to be a better partner – this to me meant that I needed to learn how to communicate better, I needed to learn the difference between what I defined as selfishness and what others defined as selfish. Much like being a better dad, I also needed to learn how to listen, how to validate, how to accept that my partner does not have to be like me. I was not easy, and I am still a work in progress. So who does Lost really want to be? Please answer this question. Take your time, think about it.

I'm not completely giving up but working on me incase if this marrige fail.

“in case the M fails” – Sorry man if that is why you are working on you – you might as well stop now. The changes if any will not be sustainable. You need to change for YOU. You need to change because YOU want to. Yes, your W and your family can be a catalyst but the change really has to be for YOU.

She said she care about me a lot and want us to be friends

And believe it or not, in some messed up way she probably does care about you. The friend part, IMO, is standard for a WAS. She wants to be friends so that SHE FEELS BETTER about herself. The question you will need to ask yourself is…..”what does her being my friend mean to me”? I suspect that her definition of friend is very different that yours.

She said she's ashame of what she did, but moving forward with her life.

She should be! Now, if she is truly ashamed…how is she going to act during (if it happens) the d process. I’ll touch on this in a sec…

I've decided to do the no contact. I promise I'll Do it. I promise I'll not call/text her again.

Stop making promises that you probably cannot keep. The only promise you should make is 1) to YOURSELF not to her, me or anyone else and 2) you promise should be to be the best person you can be.

It's kind of difficult because she was my best friend.

She is NOT your best friend now. She is f*cking someone else. ACCEPT it…that is your reality. She may become your best friend again in the future but no one can say that is the case. DB101 – LIVE IN THE MOMENT and right now, I think you know what your moment is.

Not having that loving relationship is hard for me.

Do you have friends? Do you have a dog? Yes this is hard. Yes it stinks. Try as hard as you can to “thought stop” (another DB approach). By thought stop, I mean train your mind to think of happy thoughts as soon as you start to feel bad or get angry. When I was going through this, I learned to take long walks. I sooo loved the summer. The sun would be out and I would picture myself on the beach. It helped me to stop thinking about all of the crap that was going on.

She told me to get rid of the picture in the house.

She is gonna tell you a lot of things. Things that SHE WANTS DONE. You goal here…is to become YOUR own person! Your goal is to learn how to stand up for yourself and become a man that any women would be a fool to leave. F*ck what she wants.

I've a lot on my plate and need to start working on that rather than thinking of her

This was the best line I have seen from you since you have been posting. Start working on YOU LOST. Now…in terms of working on you…here are a couple of suggestions…..


1) You have mentioned several times the things that you purchased for her. Stop it. Believe it or not, YOU CANNOT BUY Love. It seems to me, that you put her on such a pedal stool, that she lost respect for YOU. As Sandi mentioned, a women who does not respect you cannot really Love you. So the question here is…..1) Why did you try and buy her? 2) Do you not love and respect yourself? 3) Has this been a pattern in your life? Do you give always to expect to receive? Did your dad buy your mother everything? Why did you feel the need to buy her everything? Was it because of the sex?

2) Why did you agree to be away from your D? I get the whole school thing….but why then have a kid if you were going to be away for a period of time? Did you agree to have a kid to keep her? Do you think you own her? Do you think that having the kids would change her? Make her want to be with you in the perfect family?


3) Do you notice that when she left you started drinking and so have you asked yourself why is it that you did that?

4) Do you have friends? Why? Is it because you are front South Africa?

Okay on to the business side.

She has said she is going to file. You need to believe her. As much as it [censored]…you need to go see a lawyer to understand your rights. It may make more sense for YOU to file, in order to protect your rights to your daughter. The business is very scary. You need to look that FEAR right in the face and deal with it. You cannot be afraid or you will suffer. That does not mean you need to be a d*ck. It just means that you need to find a lawyer that you trust and feel very comfortable with. It means that your lawyer is your attack dog but YOU hold the leash.

How often do YOU want to see your D? Can you move closer to your D? Is your d close to you? What do you think is in your D best interest? And please do not tell me a united family – I get that..tell me what is best for your daughter if you and your W divorce.

What state are you in and what state in your W in? I understand this is personal and you may not want to disclose it but the divorce laws in each state vary, so knowing can help ensure that you get the right responses from people on the boards.

Finally, who is the breadwinner between you and your W? Trust me when I tell you, that she will want to be your friend as long as you continue to fund her lifestyle. The minute you say NO to anything that SHE wants…well then, you will see a different friend show up. Without knowing all of the details of your sitch, I suspect that you are the breadwinner and she was the “studying mom…who is just trying to provide for her daughter”. If my assumptions are correct (and I can be wrong here – so take what I say with a grain of salt), then your W may want you to continue to fund her entire life.

Have you checked your credit card balances? Do you know if she opened any new credit cards in her name (in most state while you are legally married that is considered marital debt)?

So your homework on the business side is as follows:

1) Find a good lawyer and get a consultation asap. Have your questions written down. Realize that your L is not your therapist. Your L will help explain the legal side of things – he or she will not be able to tell if your w is going to wake up.
2) Research what your rights are as it relates to your D.
3) Write down what you want – Do you want your D every other weekend, do you want her full time, etc.

Peace,
Eric