Perspective - The Reality of the Trip

[RealityTrip]

LOLOLOLOL!!!!! Wonka you are a nut! I am here. I went into crazy busy school mode. I had a Child and Adolescent Development exam... 100/100! Plus I have been working on a big Leadership Conference for work. I went to hang out with my friends out of town. Oh... and I'm piecing. Well... pre-piecing. Is there such a thing? I don't now why I'm unsure. But I am. Probably because I keep waiting on the other shoe to drop. If ya know what I mean.

So update: Things are good with W. Since I posted last, we had a heart to heart. It was good because I was able to vocalize some of the things that have been weighing heavy on my mind. There were 3. Sex. Fear of her leaving again. And vocalizing my need for more reassurance from her from time to time and I would like her to ask me how I'm doing and what I'm feeling occasionally.

She was receptive. She cried a lot. So did I. But we were able to talk and feel heard, and we came out of the intensity of the conversation pretty easily and flowed into a great day of watching a marathon of one of her favorite shows, cooking, eating and cuddling. It was really nice.

She opened up about missing xAP from time to time. She still thinks about her and misses "hanging out" with her. I asked her if she thinks about contacting her and she said yes. I asked her why she doesn't and she said, "Because I know that you don't want me to and I know it's not healthy for anyone."

That's a pretty honest answer I suppose, but I'm not controlling her so it's interesting how she led the answer.

It's slow going. SLOOOOOOOW going. Why the heck does hacking through all this mess take so long? But I will leave you with the thoughts I had during my morning prayer in the shower (yes.. I talk out loud to the Big Guy in the shower. ) It was this...

"I hate Monday. I just want to stay here with W again all day. Responsibility bites the big one. OK wait. What am I grateful for? I am grateful that 5 months ago, a year ago... I was still in this shower on Monday mornings, getting ready to go to work, go to school, but my W was not snuggled up cozily in the bed while I put on my make-up. I am grateful that she is in there snoozing and that when I go to pour my cup of coffee I will be pouring two and I will get a good morning kiss while I curl up with my hot cup o' joe in the new, fluffy bathrobe she surprised me with a couple of weeks ago. Thanks God. For giving me the strength to come this far. I still need you."

Happy Monday my friends. Your spouse's may not be home yet, or things might not be the brightest in your life these days, but if you take a moment to look back and see how far you've come, how strong you are now compared to "then"... you just might see what I mean. ((((huuuuuuuug!)))

And Wonka.... I found myself (in more ways than one!)... where's my check?