Barrybran III - New job, new life?

[Barrybran]

Well, I didn't quite do anything "for me" per se but I did get caught up on a lot of the clothes and dishwashing. I know it's the opposite of what you suggested but I'm happy with what I've done. I wound up catching up on the renovations show I have been watching with my wife, except without my wife, I made a beautiful lamb curry in the slow cooker and played some video games. Nothing major but I enjoyed myself.

I thought about the conversation I had with my wife the other day about doing GAL things. Long story short, she wants to do things for herself and in the past she has basically pleaded with me to do the same. I've always had a feeling of guilt about leaving my wife and kids to do my own thing as I was brought up in a family that did things together or at the very least, around each other. I had a realisation yesterday, that really I've know for a while, that I won't be truly happy unless I get to do the things that I really want to do. Despite everyone saying I should find GAL activities, I haven't had the money to do much and there's not much in town I actually want to do. The only thing I really want to do is to go and see my favourite football team play in one of the closest major cities (6, 8 and 12 hours drive respectively) when they're nearby. I don't actually want to do anything else. I really am a go with the flow, stay at home kind of person. Now that I have the money coming in though I realise that I should assess our funds and if it's reasonable I should just go and do it. In saying that, my wife is talking in terms of long term plans such as buying a car, buying a house and my brother's wedding across the country in February next year so I have a lot committed financially already.

Speaking of my wife, she got home from her night away about two hours ago. I didn't hear from her once (I didn't contact her either) which was uncomfortable but I was generally OK with it as I knew it was healthy for the both of us; her because she's off doing something for herself, me because I had alone time, and us because I wasn't in her business. In the past couple of months I've learned the importance of each of us getting a life and allowing the other the space to do so but I do feel that in the future, when things are good again, I'd love to be able to touch base with my wife in an 'I'm thinking about you' kind of way. For example, I knew my wife was getting dressed up last night so I would love for her to have sent me a selfie of her all dressed up. Now, I'm talking about well down the track but after reading stories in DB and understanding what my wife and I both want, I feel that would be a nice way for us to both have our space but express our desire for one another. I'm fine with not hearing from her last night because I know where we're at but it did get me thinking about what would constitute an improvement in our situation.

When she got home I was making beds and didn't rush out to greet her. She said hi as she walked past and then stopped in the room I was in on her way past again. I asked if she had a good time and she deflected the question (she was out on a hen's night) so I knew to leave it. She let me know her brother was visiting after Easter which, while she didn't show it due to being tired, she'll be very excited about. She made some small talk about some shows we were watching as well as things she wants (only a new phone and car... she usually buys things as they come into her head. Did I say she was impulsive? :p) so it was a pleasant interaction despite her fatigue.

I start my new job tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I'll head to the gym after work and do the evening run around with homework, dinner, showers and bed. My mum will no doubt try to take over but I'm going to ask her nicely not to help as I need to get used to the new routine. She'll have her hands full with my girls and dishes/floors anyway.

Other than that, I've finished DB and started on DR. I'm still on the first chapter but I'm happy to get into it as I'm keen to read the sections on infidelity and WAS syndrome. I won't be skipping any parts though so it may take a while to get to those points.

[Lostforwords]

Sounds like a good day...Honestly I was kid less today and caught up on housework myself LOL

What your describing and learning about is referred to as an interdependent relations B. I found this description for you to chew on;

What makes interconnections healthy is interdependency, not codependency. Paradoxically, interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy (the ability to function independently). When couples love each other, it’s normal to feel attached, to desire closeness, to be concerned for each another, and to depend upon each other. Their lives are intertwined, and they’re affected by and need each other. However, they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship. Because they have self-esteem, they can manage their thoughts and feelings on their own and don’t have to control someone else to feel okay. They can allow for each other’s differences and honor each another’s separateness. Thus, they’re not afraid to be honest. They can listen to their partner’s feelings and needs without feeling guilty or becoming defensive. Since their self-esteem doesn’t depend upon their partner, they don’t fear intimacy, and independence doesn’t threaten the relationship. In fact, the relationship gives them each more freedom. There’s mutual respect and support for each other’s personal goals, but both are committed to the relationship.

Sounds pretty dang ideal doesn't it?

Have a great day at work.

[Barrybran]

Yeah, that's pretty much what I mean. The going out and sending a text thought was just one idea but that's what I'd like to achieve. Of course, I'm the biggest obstacle to that as my wife is very independent and I'm just learning how to be so again.

[Lostforwords]

B,

You are making me very....Happy today.

You are seeing where you want to go....That is a BIG deal in how you live your life. A very big deal.

You will get there....eventually.

I am giving you a quote to thing about today:

It's not about how to achieve your dreams, it's about how to lead your life ... If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself, the dreams will come to you. -- Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

Think about it.

[Barrybran]

It's a nice quote. I'm still getting used to the idea that my wife wants to know what I think. Yesterday, I went and bought a sprinkler to water the lawn with. Our yard is massive so I've concentrated on a small area for the kids to play in. We're on water restrictions at the moment so I've hand watered it but it takes 90 minutes to water the section. I don't have 90 minutes everyday to stand in the yard so I decided to try and build a sprinkler setup so I could just go out, place it, turn it on and go out again an hour or so later and it's all done without moving the sprinklers.

My wife suggested I try a different setup. We had these old hoses running through some trees at the front of our yard that had mini sprays and I thought my wife was talking about these. It wasn't going to work but I decided it wasn't worth the fight so I'd try it. My wife caught on that I didn't agree and told me to tell he what I thought. I told her it wouldn't work and why and she pleaded her case as to why it would work. Long story short, she didn't explain herself properly and the hose she was talking about was not the hose we already had in our backyard.

Once she explained herself, I understood and was willing to try it. Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence between us where she thinks she has explained herself and I ask questions to try and ascertain exactly what she's talking about. She's stubborn as he!! so it usually winds up in either an argument or I've learned to just agree and walk away. Now that she wants to know what I think, it changes the game a bit as I believe I've been right to ask questions. It's a big step for her asking and listening to what I think,'seven if she's frustrated that I don't understand her. Unfortunately, I can't help her with how she explains things.

After she went to bed, I did some calculations that I thought would affect our income and expenses so I messaged her the results. I have a terrible memory so I've made a point to tell her important things straight away, even if it's not a good time for her. As it was, she received my message well and said she'd look into it. The conversation stopped and a while later, out of nowhere, she told me she'd found a pair of shoes she had been looking for that we had found in a store together a couple of weeks ago for an event she has coming up. Little things like these have been occurring too where she'll tell me random things that have nothing to do with me. Usually, she would have just left our conversation, found her shoes and went off to sleep without another word.

Finally, I start my new job in 45 minutes. Looking forward to it. Time to get off here and get ready! :-D

[Lostforwords]

B,

Part of being a good husband is learning how your wife communicates. Talking the time to be patient and hear what she says....and then practicing the thought....First understand, then be understood.

The last conversation....She is learning to trust that you are communicating with her.....That you are listening and hearing. IT isn't about the shoes, it is about the open lines of communication.

[AnotherStander]

What makes interconnections healthy is interdependency, not codependency. Paradoxically, interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy (the ability to function independently). When couples love each other, it’s normal to feel attached, to desire closeness, to be concerned for each another, and to depend upon each other. Their lives are intertwined, and they’re affected by and need each other. However, they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship. Because they have self-esteem, they can manage their thoughts and feelings on their own and don’t have to control someone else to feel okay. They can allow for each other’s differences and honor each another’s separateness. Thus, they’re not afraid to be honest. They can listen to their partner’s feelings and needs without feeling guilty or becoming defensive. Since their self-esteem doesn’t depend upon their partner, they don’t fear intimacy, and independence doesn’t threaten the relationship. In fact, the relationship gives them each more freedom. There’s mutual respect and support for each other’s personal goals, but both are committed to the relationship.

Lost, that's good stuff, thanks for posting it! I have never heard it put that way before, but when I read the description what jumped to mind is that the couples I've known that reconciled after a long time apart reconciled after they had flushed all the codependency out of their R's and became independent again. Basically they laid the groundwork for an interdependent relationship and left the codependent R behind.

[Lostforwords]

AS,

That is what DB reconciling looks like...because DB strives towards teaching a person to be interdependent. Maybe you save the marriage or not....either way the groundwork has been put in place.

What is heartbreaking for me that it has to take the threat of divorce for us to learn that there is another way. It isn't really our individual faults, more how we have learned to perceive (parents, tv, etc) how marriages are as opposed to how they could be. We grew up looking and learning from the codependency stand point....So we end up here and learn to change, maybe learn on our own, or else keeping jumping from relationship to relationship repeating the codependent cycle.

[Barrybran]

Better to learn than not though. As much as things suck between my wife and I at the moment, I feel we have a greater understanding of each other and whilst I'm still adjusting to the idea that she's prepared to share and listen with me, we communicate better than we ever have (though we have a long way to go).

[Barrybran]

The last two days have been eventful. My first two days of work at Subway and insolent children last night coupled with a blackout. That's thrown my energy out today and it's affected my wife even more. I sent her flowers at work to perk her up but I don't think she appreciated it. Last time I considered giving her flowers I checked myself and realised I was going to do it to earn brownie points. I checked myself today and I felt good that I was doing it because my wife loves flowers and she's had a sh!t night and day. If she doesn't like them then that's her problem. I went off to work, I've come home to prepare for the evening and I'll do my own thing the rest of today. I'm talking to my wife now and her bad day goes beyond a lack of energy but I can't sort that out for her. I've done something nice for her, I'm available if she needs an ear or a hand. Aside from that, I'll just go about my evening for myself knowing I've had a good, productive day.

Aside from that, our babysitter has come to us with a family problem which will throw our plans off. We've been waiting for my parents to move on so our babysitter can start and when I asked them just now they tell me they have no plans and they'll be around as long as we need them. Unfortunately, we're lost our babysitter last time due to not needing her and I'm not going down that path again just because my parents won't leave. We're going to ask the babysitter to take the kids a couple of days next week and I'm going to ask my parents to move on. We need our space back. My daughter's birthday isn't far away and my parents will come back for that but we need to do some pushing now.