separated 8 weeks still on the journey

[labug]

Paul, think about why you were angry re the driveway fiasco. Was it because your D was being disrespectful or was it because you thought W was once again going to blame you and you were "in trouble" with her.

When you can step back and observe these happenings, you'l be able to handle them in a very different way, I think. We are so often caught up in the emotion of the moment we can't see the forest for the trees.

Might you tell your W you won't be the 3rd leg of this particular drama triangle?

[paul19510]

Paul, think about why you were angry re the driveway fiasco. Was it because your D was being disrespectful or was it because you thought W was once again going to blame you and you were "in trouble" with her.

When you can step back and observe these happenings, you'l be able to handle them in a very different way, I think. We are so often caught up in the emotion of the moment we can't see the forest for the trees.

Might you tell your W you won't be the 3rd leg of this particular drama triangle?

bug you have a gift. You hit the bulls eye again. I feel that issues with the kids are causing unwanted tension between me and W and I don't want it.

I do want my D to be respectful to anyone who comes here (especially family and friends). All I wish she would have done was to Say "hi Mom" and then gone about her business. It is rude IMHO to come outside not acknowledge someone who is here and continue about your business as though they are invisible.

But as my friend pointed out last night, W is also acting in that manner and creating a distant tense situation by sitting outside. My friend has been divorced and knows this stuff well. She's done her inner work.

She reminded me that if D13 wasn't ready and W is complaining about kids being distant, why not see this as an opportunity to come in and say hello to the other 2 kids instead of sitting in the driveway like a stranger and keeping the motor running....

She reminded me that it is up to W and me to LEAD OUR FAMILY and act in a manner that teaches our kids positive things.

Friend also remarked that a 16 YO girl who has seen her mom leave and seen the pain it caused is very likely feeling protective of me and her siblings. Acting almost as a "little momma bear" against someone whom she feels caused this pain. But she also reminded me that this is for W and D16 to work through. I can only remind D16 to be respectful to us as parents while doing so. Agree??

[MamaB]

You friend sounds like an excellent resource and sounding board for you. I'm glad you have her in your life. What she said about your D and W is good advice.

[labug]

Yes your friend is wise.

In my experience forcing someone to be "respectful" doesn't make them be respectful in the true sense of the word.

I would guess that your D has lost some respect for her mother, wouldn't you? Her mother will have to earn that back.

[melissag]

Paul, I wanted to copy a post that gabbysmom23 posted on my thread yesterday, as I think you might find it helpful.

And FWIW, " normal" people do not do as much self reflection and work as we do here. And at some point we do get a little too hard on ourselves, and our sitches cause us to question everything.

You probably really don't trust your thoughts anymore. It's true. But you recognize that. That's the first step. You'll do fine. This isn't work we do overnight. It's long term stuff.

[paul19510]

MamaB : You friend sounds like an excellent resource and sounding board for you. I'm glad you have her in your life. What she said about your D "
thanks she is! My buddy married a really good person. She's a wonderful woman and he's lucky to have her as his W.

labug : "Yes your friend is wise.

In my experience forcing someone to be "respectful" doesn't make them be respectful in the true sense of the word.

I would guess that your D has lost some respect for her mother, wouldn't you? Her mother will have to earn that back."

yes I agree, Bug. I need to validate my D in this case and let her know that I've slept on it and she just needs to speak in a respectful tones and not swear and stuff, but she is definitely not "wrong" to feel the way she does. My W needs to fix whatever she broke.

Paul, I wanted to copy a post that gabbysmom23 posted on my thread yesterday, as I think you might find it helpful.

Melissa

And FWIW, " normal" people do not do as much self reflection and work as we do here. And at some point we do get a little too hard on ourselves, and our sitches cause us to question everything.

You probably really don't trust your thoughts anymore. It's true. But you recognize that. That's the first step. You'll do fine. This isn't work we do overnight. It's long term stuff."

thank you for reminding me of this. I just had a long chat with friend's W again while doing the grocery shopping. I feel better now. She reminded me of the same thing.

thank you to each of you for looking on me. I am reminded bug of what you said. my emotions are all over the place.

W continues to say, "I don't know" when asked about R. I want to hope and that gives me just enough to stay stuck. Its time for me to take more control of myself and move myself forward from this place emotionally and otherwise.

When you look at the facts as of today, W planned to move from Oct forward and started cleaning out things to get organized even b4 we had a R heart to heart in November. its almost 4 months from Oct and W still parks and driveway and won't come in the house. W will not engage me in any meaningful way about the M and has distanced herself from me and the kids. W knows more of what she wants than she's saying. She just doesn't want to say it. This is my opinion. I'm thinking that my W wants to be out, but wants to be able to reverse course if she guessed wrong and can't handle being out for some reason.

[paul19510]

Interesting text exchange with my wise friend. She suddenly turned the situation around. She asked me what would make you walk away from your home your kids and al your creature comforts? What would make you risk it all? Big pain....she ssys W is hurting and my holding on is keeping her stuck.

She says release her with my best wishes and blessing s for a happy life and she will begin to engage the kids and co parent more effectively and heal. She beleives it was never something I could fix. Walkingnaway from her ciuld be the kindest most loving thing I could do. She says w is saying I don't know because she's trying not to hurt me any worse...thoughts? ??

[paul19510]

Just finished wafching walking dead with my D 13. We sat in my bed room. I feel sad about my sitch tonight. I feel a sense of loss again. This makes no sense. I have to accept it though. This is reslity tonight.

[melissag]

(((Paul)))

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[paul19510]

(((Paul)))

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

thanks M. Same from me to you.