still hopeful... no matter where life takes me

[juliegayle]

Another rough morning with s. This is by far the hardest part of this. Morning was ok. H mostly stayed in his room and when he came out we had civil small talk

Then he left and s screamed for him non stop for over an hour. No exaggeration. Nothing would distract him. He finally wore himself out and took a nap.

He kept saying "where is daddy?" I couldn't exactly say "well based on the conversation I heard through the very thin bathroom wall daddy is with OW and her kid. " so I just say daddy is out which is a very unsatisfactory answer.

S is much calmer now and we are off to the gym to play basketball.

[juliegayle]

H is back to sitting for hours in his car but he leaves his 80 unneutered puppy in the house. Then he storms in and curses at me for yelling at the puppy who won't stop jumping on s. He says s can take care on himself. S is covered with scratches all over neck and back and I am supposed to let him fend for himself.

I know I should just let this roll off my back and know that I will keep protecting my child no matter what he says... it just seems that the more I try to detach the more horrible he gets.

[bluesgal]

Julie-I agree with JonF. Celebrate those little positives. Your H rollercoaster is very volatile right now. Whew! So sorry your S is confused. Good for you putting your foot down about OW watching your S. How inappropriate. I'm glad he retracted that idea.

[AnotherStander]

H is back to sitting for hours in his car

I honestly don't get this at all. Who does that? There's a guy that lives across the street from my dad that sits in his truck in the driveway drinking beer. This is in Houston where it gets nasty-hot in the summer and he'll be out there, truck not running, just drinking beer and sweating like a turkey on Thanksgiving eve. Maybe he thinks of it as a redneck sauna, who knows.

[juliegayle]

Haha thank you AS for adding a little humor to the sitch.

[juliegayle]

I took a break from the boards for a few days.I learn so much from reading others threads but my sitch is just stagnant so I took some time to just be. And honestly I have been a bit overwhelmed with s increasing anxiety and dealing with the puppy and snow days etc. I realize one of the things I had been getting from h in marriage was a few hours respite here and there when s behavior was overwhelmingly. Now I don't have that unless I pay for it.

I think I have been doing a really good job at detaching. I see a bunch of beer cans hidden under car and it doesn't make me seethe the way it used to. I can just say ok let me stay away from him. And since h can't go to all his stand bys to be mad at me for (because I have changed) his attacks have become very personal (my appearance religion and family) And I really can hear these things and think "whatever moving on"

Where I am doing very poorly is with thinking about OW. Particularly her spending time with my s. I don't know how to get past this. Yesterday I got home from work and h was sitting in his car face chatting with het. He hid the phone as soon as he saw me but it made me sick. I think what kind of woman is this who is ok with a man who hides away and takes time from his kids (2 of which he only sees 8 days a month). What kind of woman is ok with a man who is so cruel to the woman he married? What kind of woman is ok with a man who completely ignores his fog of 12 years because a new one comes along? What kind of woman is ok being with a man who lies about her very existence? What kind of woman is ok being with a man who lies so easily to his family as he sneaks off to ser her?

Not the type of person I want around my child. As I said I have been doing well in other areas and I never voice these things to h. There is no point. I just don't know how to deal with it.

[juliegayle]

Not fog of 12 years- dog

[labug]

You don't know what she knows about you. You know I don't like to mind read but I'm pretty sure he hasn't made you out to be Mother Theresa.

She probably either 1)thinks she can fix him or 2)is an addict herself or 3) all of the above.

Julie, you're moving forward. Being able to state what you got from the R is important because even in the worst Rs, both partners get something out of it. Being able to see that and replace it with an alternative gives you some breathing room.

Keep moving forward.

[bluesgal]

I'm guessing he leaves out the parts of his neglect and probably doesn't brag about you to her

I agree with Bug-likely many issues at play. That's why those relationships don't work. Built on lies and buried issues.

Any positives for you lately?

[juliegayle]

My therapist also asked what my positives were..

1. Meditated every other day and got a at home yoga session in a few times

2. Have been on an AD for a few weeks and having a much easier time dealing with s tantrums

3. Much less stressed about other things in my life out of my control. My boss showed up for a surprise audit on my day off and I didn't stress at all.

4. Took off my wedding rings which was a crucial step in letting go.

I had a really good therapy session. As we were talking I realized that one of the things making this even harder was not having a local support system down here. We talked about how I might start to build a sense of community here. I never did before because h never liked to go out and we always had each other. Now he is out all rhe time with his new friends I am feeling the result of not putting myself out there all those years.