Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[KGirl]

One "mistake" today followed by one solid step forward, so I guess they balance each other out? : )
H made a big pot of chili for dinner. Since I've offered him food whenever I've been cooking it lately and he always gratefully accepts, I didn't really think twice about asking "is it OK if I have some of that?" to which he said "sure, if you want." Immediately after I grab a bowl, H is texting away, and the first thought in my mind is "great, now he's telling his friend, who will say something about how I'm being manipulative or taking advantage of him or trying to act like we're still married or some other thing because I asked about having a bowl of chili". Note to self - better to not ask H for any help, favors, etc. so there's no reason for me to be seen as manipulative/needy/desperate. And, who knows what he is writing about or texting. He could just as easily be texting his friend about a different topic, or "my wife really appreciates my cooking, so stop demeaning her" While I can recognize when I'm mind reading, I still need to work on stopping myself from doing it before I get too worked up about it.

A little later, the news is on, and before they display someone's mugshot H makes a comment that " I bet they're [racial slur]... see, I knew it!" Then he says in his mocking Kgirl voice "oh, it's not very nice to say that, you're stereotyping and generalizing". This is my usual response when he says something innapropriate (I have a master's degree in social work, so these things get me riled up!), but I am about halfway through Codependent No More, and realized that my reaction to these types of comments was about me and not about teaching him anything. He knows my thoughts on the subject, he knows what is "polite" and what's not, and really my upset-ness about comments like this is my concern about how it reflects on me in front of others. The book drove it home that H's comments do not reflect on me, only on himself. So I said "you're welcome to say whatever you want." He seemed a bit surprised, but caught himself and said "you're right.. I am!". That is my solid step forward/success for the day : ) Hopefully enough to overcome feeling so weird about asking for a bowl of chili. Not sure why it feels weird (pursuing, maybe?) so I need to let it go and start anew.