Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[LFC1170]

Hi, also new here.

About my situation. I met my wife in 1996. Fell in love and married in 2000. Had my son in 2003. A very difficult pregnancy for her. My son was diagnosed to be on the Autistic spectrum in 2006. I believed we were happy and a very loving couple. Something changed after my son was born. Our sex life slowed to a crawl and finally ceased. We have had sex 5 times in the last 11 yrs!

Naturally, I became very bitter and resentful so she became more withdrawn. I approached her many times for us to seek counseling but she refused stating she thought nothing was wrong and it wasn't me it was her issues. She suggested her going to doctors but in the end she did nothing. This made me very irritable and I projected all my daily stresses on her. I knew this was not fair but I couldn't help myself. I even developed some prostate conditions from not having sex anymore. She told me she was sorry and she would "help" out more but again did nothing. My self-esteem was at an all-time low.

After 9 yrs of banging my head against the wall in trying to reach her (the ultimate test of patience) she drops the bomb in 2012, saying it was me the whole time and she wasn't happy either. Really? I was crushed! Here I felt less than a man all these years not being able to please my wife, being patient, believing she would come around then she hits me with this.

Here's the rub. She WANTS to leave but she hardly works, has no car, and no money so she CAN'T leave! My family says I should throw her out but she has my son so I don't. I CAN'T! This has gone on for almost 2 more years. I used that time to beg, plead, cry, literally got down on my knees but I can't touch her heart. We went to counseling where I wanted to work on my marriage but to my surprise she only wanted to learn how to deal with the situation and be amicable. She didn't want to work on it. She told me that she loved me but wasn't IN love with me. I began to sleep on the couch, got back problems and became depressed. I couldn't believe I wouldn't get a second chance. There has been no affairs, no physical abuse, substance abuse or bad vices. I gave her a deadline to file. Doctor prescribed anti-depressants and the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I read the book.

On top of this my Grandmother, whom I was close to, passed because of cancer. I was basically done but decided to find a self-help book on dealing with divorce. Thank god I found MWD's "The Divorce Remedy". This book along with M/V opened my eyes completely. I realize that what we were going through was common and, because we did not know how to communicate, was almost inevitable. I realized that all her complaints about me was justified, just as all my reactions towards her were normal.

I love my wife. I still do. I believe when I said "I do" it was for life. I immediately employed the LRT. I stopped pursuing. Did a 180 (where I was cold I became warm). I did little loving things. I learned to listen without being critical and judgmental. I withdrew the deadline. I joined a gym and started visiting family members regularly. I realized all the hurtful things she was saying was because her hurt was deep. Her being irrational and illogical, to me, was because she was blinded by the pain even though outwardly she didn't show it.

I want to be patient. Lord knows i've already shown as much patience than any man i've known. My marriage being sex-starved is a gross understatement. MWD says in DR that there should be 1 month of work for every 1 year of hurt. That means almost a whole YEAR of work. I would absolutely be despondent if after all that work I still can't reach her. How long can I or should I employ MWD's techniques without a response before I give up? I still support her and my boy fully and at times I feel like a real sucker but I have no idea what to do. Im in real Limbo.

Thanks for listening.