I feel my marriage is done

[ericmsant2]

My D is 10 years old and would like to see me more during the week and so would my 14 year old step son. I try to text or talk to them as much as possible but as you know life gets in the way.

Not a criticism but if they want to see you more, life or no life, make every effort to see them more.

I know both of them miss me because they say it every time I see them or talk to them, but W is only thinking of herself right now.

Focus on them - not W.

Second I couldn't deal with living so close to the family without being able to see them as much as I'd like.

That statement ^^^^^
contradicts this one…

the W has no problem with me seeing the kids any time I want

So I am left wondering….do you NOT want to see them more because it is too painful to deal with W?

W got "mad" at me for moving to far away

You could also look at this….like she wanted you to be closer.

She also got made at me for signing a 1 year lease instead of a 6 month lease

You could also look at this….as a positive. She has not mentioned D…and SHE wanted you to be in a shorter term lease. I cannot read her mind but these could have been positives signs. Maybe not the signs YOU wanted in the timeline YOU wanted…but positive none the less.

I would do something and W would call me on it

What was “something” - be specific.

She wanted to try MC but I was against it

Another good sign. IMO.

W is "mad" that I waited until now to try MC

Think about it from her perspective….she asked…you said NO…NOW that OM is in the picture you changed your tune. TIME NY…TIME…this is gonna take time. No one here can guarantee that she will come back. That said, if there was a one in a million chance that she would….would you be willing to take that chance?

I didn't take others thoughts or enjoyment into consideration

Do you think you have changed?

OM lives 3 1/2 hours away has been married 3 times 5 kids). I think W is having a MLC based on how fast things are moving or maybe it's true love for the 2 of them.

DB101…change how you look at things……

He lives a ways away….has a bad history… So you have imo, a few things in your favor. Change how you look at stuff NY… If you feel defeated and hopeless, you will act defeated and hopeless.

3 months of being away isn't long enough because I would just revert back to my old ways if I moved back in now.

Another good sign….Look at it from her perspective…. she wants to see ACTIONS over a LONG period of time. So…TIME is ON YOUR SIDE. IF you can be patient. The more YOU push…right now…the worse it can get. Set aside ego, set aside the pain. At the end of the day you both played a role here. Work on your and let her work on hers. Yes, the idea of OM is gonna suck. Try not to think about it. Spend more time with the kids. When you go to pick them up. Look and smell your best. Be civil and upbeat. Your goal right now, is to try and see if she can reach out to you more…slow…very slowly….

d saying I've thought & learned about the mistakes I've made but have apply it like "muscle memory" into everyday life

STOP telling her you have changed and SHOW her. I know..I know…she said something….you responded. Maybe a better response would be…”I understand how you can feel that way”, “I hear you and I am sorry you feel that way”. In both responses you are 1) validating how SHE feels 2) not accepting blame or reminding her that she is right and that you were wrong. The more you agree with her that you were an as* the more you give her ammo for her gun.

of these a sign that W is still confused & needing to ask & answer questions to herself & to me. Or is W ready to move on; D still hasn't been mentioned.

Who knows…no one here can mind read. Stop trying to figure out what she is thinking. It is pointless, you will know when SHE wants you to know.

Focus on YOU.

Do me a favor, list 2 short term goals for YOUSELF..Something you can do in the next two weeks. Here is one suggestion….spend a bit more time with your D. She is 10 and needs DAD!

I’ll close with this….you have a lot of positives in your sitch. a lot. You may have a shot to turn this around NY. You just need to be patient.

Peace,
Eric