separated 8 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

thanks UD. I am trying. She'll be coming to S12's game tomorrow and he's looking forward to it. I texted her back to confirm I'd had the talk with d16 about continuing to approach with respect. We deserve it. I also texted he to say that I understand and accept her feelings and thanked her for sharing them. I told her, I am working to improve my listening and that I am making good use of our time apart to continue to grow.

My kids are detaching from her and I told her today, the come what may I really don't want the to suffer needlessly and I will focus my efforts to ensure the family lands as safely as I can from this trouble.

I realized that she doesn't care about my opinion much. At least she's talking a little. She was exhausted and upset when we were done.

[paul19510]

Journal: The game went well. S12 played very well and was proud to have his mom there to see it. W and I sat on opposite sides of D13 and enjoyed polite convo while watching the game. I was able to introduce W to people we have met on the team. They enjoyed meeting her (they told me that after she left) and I let her know that as well after the game via text and thanked her for coming out.

[paul19510]

W came by to pick up D13 for a banquet they are going to tonight. D was in the shower and running late. W called and said D wasn't answering her phone could I please tell her to come out. I told her D was in the shower. She was irritated. I asked her to please feel free to come inside and wait. She declined and stayed in the driveway with the motor running for the next 15 minutes while D got ready.

In the meantime, D16 went outside and met her BF in the driveway. they sat next to W without speaking. At one point, I went out and told D that she and I needed to get going for an appointment. she didn't understand. She continued to sit out there next to her mom without speaking to her. W looked very uncomfortable.

when W left and D16 was ready to go for our outing, I told D that I didn't appreciate her sitting next to her mom in the driveway and not speaking to her. It was not respectful and it should not happen again. when I saw this occurring and D basically didn't follow my lead to exit the driveway, I got mad about it. should I tell W this happened and I dealt with it or just let I go? comments, ideas....

I still find it "distant" that W will no come in the house. She's making herself distant and then complaining that the kids are being distant.

[JayMan]

Why would D be forced to talk to her Mom? She obviously doesn't like her or what she's doing, so anything she says is going to be said out of bitterness or resentment. Don't disregard her feelings in an effort to try to connect with W.

[melissag]

I agree with Jon. Your D needs you to listen and validate right now. Leave her R with your W to the two of them, and be there to support your D. (Says a person who struggles making this happen herself but knows it's important.)

[paul19510]

agreed. I'll let them work it out.

[paul19510]

Journal: I visited via phone with an old friend who has been in this place and has done her inner work. She reminds me of some of the gets her. She was kind enough to speak with me for w long time last evening to help me understand myself better. While she did not know of this particular body of work that we are naviagating through in this site, she was familair with the concepts and she agreed with much of the ideas set forth by MWD. In the end my friend reminded me that come what may, fixing and saving myself is really all there is. She was generous with 2x4s when I needed them. When I wanted to complain about things she helped me lookn at it from my W point of view and to rewlize certsij things that I said or did that also contributed to my current situation and the death of my M. She also complimented me forndoi g the work I am doing. She was realistic and toldnme from a woman's. Point of view that she felt W and I had passed a point in our road where we would only be able to build a neenlife someday if we proceeded with completely letting each other go and perhapsnmoving through D. She likened my current wish to fix ornsave things to a cigarette additiction. Its bad for me, but familiar so, I'm having trouble stopping it. Emotionally. She said she felt my addiction would hurtnme just like cancer if I don't. Stop. I needed to hear that and I am greatful that she took her time to help me

[paul19510]

I need to do more Gal today. Feeling the weight ofmy situation. Move.my feet move my feet......

[melissag]

Paul, glad you had someone to talk to. If you are having a tough day, yes, make sure you keep up your GAL, but remember that sometimes taking care of yourself also means honoring your feelings, even if they aren't that fun to experience. Make sure you are not stuffing them, OK?

[paul19510]

Paul, glad you had someone to talk to. If you are having a tough day, yes, make sure you keep up your GAL, but remember that sometimes taking care of yourself also means honoring your feelings, even if they aren't that fun to experience. Make sure you are not stuffing them, OK?

hi M! thanks for checking in. For some reason I am cycling back through a period of anxiety about this situation. I'm not sure what prompted it. W and I have begun to have more contact. Most of it is logistics. Some has been R talk as noted in posts from the past few days.

I have a sense today of being a burden to those around me. I feel that I let my situation get the best of me. do you ever get these feelings...?

I texted W last evening and told her that I'd appreciate her coming into the house when warranted (waiting for a late kid for 15 minutes in the driveway is not where I'd like us to be , dropping something off, etc.) I know she "heard me". She entered the house this morning to drop off D13 and with a large heavy trophy that D13 got at the banquet for her equestrian accomplishments. I was at the top of the steps and simply wished her a good day as she left.

I texted my friend and his W (the woman I talked to for a long time last evening) and thanked them both for their compassion and generosity in allowing me to talk out the dark place I was in last evening. I feel that I need to push forward today and shake off the weight of this situation.

no one texted me back, and I felt self conscious about it. I'm just in a strange place today. my friend's W reminded me of that very fact last night. She said have no expectations even with friends about hearing back and don't be self conscious. People have their own lives and not texting back right away is not indicative of anything.

She reminded me that this is perhaps a byproduct of my situation in having been set aside for so long (in a sense emotionally abandoned). She also reminded me to be strong. Continuing to press on with wanting an answer to texts or questions is not productive and may cause the very thing I fear (people backing away). She reminded me to move along with confidence and know that people heard me. Appearing needy with any relationship (friends, family, intimate) is not attractive. People want someone around who offers something positive to a R of any kind. I will concentrate on that today.

Just keep swimming. I think its just my mind playing tricks on me, but I have a gut instinct or feeling that my situation is about to change in some significant way. I just don't know how. This is making me anxious.

ps. as a side note, while I was typing this my friend texted me back and said he's been sleeping, but was grateful me and his W had a chance to talk it out. he reminded me to stay strong