What is Forgiveness

[Mic]

My DB coach wants me to tell my WAS I forgive him. Although I am in the process of forgiving and realize that I contributed to him feeling he had to leave although I feel part MLC. If I tell him I forgive him. Although I don't agree with what he's doing. We are in the midst of a divorce and my ultimate goal is to restore our marriage. I think telling him I forgive him will ensure he never comes home because I've accepted it and am moving on. I am moving on. I have to and each day wrapping up/dismantling pieces of our life together. I have thought about just saying. Awhile ago you asked for my forgiveness and you have it. Just leaving it at that. Would really appreciate thoughts. My story is on the newcomers board but since I'm new not getting a lot if traffic yet.

[AJM]

Hi Mic. He asked for your forgiveness?

What does forgiveness mean to you? I mean, what does it really mean to you in detail?


AJ

[Lostforwords]

Mic,

I wanted to answer your question, but first I had to catch up on your situation.

First...we all lose weight in this situation....The world reknown LBS weight loss program....The workouts are just really tough. My concern is HOW much you lost....118 LBS in three months (if I read that right) is a lot to lose that fast....I mean unhealthy amount to lose that fast. I would recommend a check up...just saying.

Forgiveness is different to a lot of people....So I can only relate to what it is for me. For me it was a multi-step process;

1- The WAS throws a lot of evil and vindictive stuff our way...some is spot on and others well....falls right in line with puff the magic dragon and unicorns. What you need to do is look in the mirror....into your soul...and define what is truly your part in the situation and what wasn't. This is not an easy task as YOU have to be your worst critic and YOU have to be truthful with yourself....Nobody else's opinion really matters....This is you defining yourself and who YOU are.

2- Now that you know what are your strengths and weaknesses...You highlight your strengths and then either work on your weaknesses or get rid of them. Examples (just examples...not personal attacks...just want to give you an idea). You might have complained how much your husband worked everyday...Instead of focusing on how much he works, instead focus on how much he is giving up by working so much to support the family. How you appreciate all the longer hours he puts in. Or it might be just that you start an exercise routine......address your part of the current situation...and only YOUR part.

3- GAl...GAL...and then GAL some more......Find your happy place. That involves finding the life YOU want to live...not the life that others are defining for you.

4- Let go of the anger and resentment towards him....Now what is going on might not be right, but that ball of anger and resentment is hurting you a lot more than it is hurting him. Trust me on that....a lot more. You need to let it go....accept what is yours....make your changes...and find your happy place.

5- Forgiveness....This is truly for YOU. You have released your anger towards him, except your part in it, and are working on your weaknesses. You are in a better place now because you are letting go of the negativity directed at him.

It is all about you Mic...Seriously.

You need to remember there are two things anybody in the world can see right through.

1- A false "I love you"
2- A false "I forgive you"

These are actions...Things you do...You show love and you show forgiveness. To be able to do either, then you have to change to make those actions possible.

Outside your question...What is your goal with your marriage? What are your personal goals? What do you want your life to be like? If you want to save the marriage, why are you pushing ahead with the divorce?

"be the change you want to see in the world"

[Mic]

quick response regarding weight. I now weigh 118 lbs. I have lost about 50 lbs in the past 6 months. I also just had my third baby 7 months ago.
When we got married I weighed about 130. 3 kids later highest weight was around 180 then exercise and extreme weight loss from LBS program.
I will answer other questions later. On my way to pick up my kids.
I don't want the divorce. When H told me it was over and he would not entertain an idea of a separation I filed first to protect myself and children financially. H is an attorney and lots of assets at stake. I thought D would take much longer. Still hoping it will.
I will answer questions regarding what is long term marriage goal when I return. Thanks again.
Your answer has a lot for me to digest.
R

[Wonka]

Here's a link to Forgiveness thread over in the Newcomers' section that you might want to read.

[Mic]

Thanks Wonka
That helped.
Thanks Lostforwords I'm going to look at those questions and answer them.