Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[KGirl]

To add to the excitement of the day - I always go to the grocery store Saturday mornings, and the past several H has asked if he could come to to pick out groceries for himself. I said yes again today. When we get there he always asks "what should we do? pay separately or pay together?" to which I always say something like "well we have one cart and we end up sharing the food anyway, so it makes sense to pay with the joint account". So here we are, walking down the aisles with our cart, when H spots a guy and says "Hey, [work friend's first name]!" I've never met friend and no idea what he looks like, so not sure if it's the same guy, but I just keep walking down the aisle to look at stuff while they chit chat. Eventually H catches up with me...
Me: was that [first name] from work or a different guy?
H: yeah, that was him. I guess you've never met him, huh?
Me: Nope. Figured it was best I kept walking because he'd probably wonder why we were shopping together.
H: He did ask if I was alone and I said no, you were down the other aisle. I don't think he'd want to meet you either.

So I kept my cool and didn't bring in anything that I found out about today. It's kind of comforting to know that H's friend is completely out of it, since essentially he won't meet me or talk to me but apparently can give H an accurate assessment that I am a crazy, manipulative nutcase (among other things that he wrote). I can acknowledge that some of my behavior was controlling in the past, and yes I did flip out the first few days after BD, but wouldn't anyone in that situation? And I've made huge changes to how I interact with H and my attitude about things since then. I want to be mad at H's friend, but really this is about H and his inability to A) confide in people who won't make judgments and who will have his best interests at heart, who clearly are not the best role models for this type of thing, B) be so easily influenced by these "friends." This is not the first time that H has made a new friend who is a "player" and then H feels like he wants to get into that lifestyle, too. Looking back, the timing of his behavior and when this guy came into his life matches up exactly. A lot of these crappy emails were back in early January, not so much as of late besides random comments to H about whether he's checking out how certain "things" about OW are changing as her pregnancy moves along (gross, gross, gross).


I'm thinking about whether the only thing that's changed is that I know about the conversations. But now I "know" some things I did not before that I can't just un-know and make me lose more faith/trust in my H. I say "know" in quotes because it's possible they aren't true or are exaggerations...I'm going to think through this via typing:
1) That H has slept w/ someone else besides me despite always telling me I was the only one. He could have exaggerated to impress his friend. Maybe he's counting his girlfriend before me who he fooled around with but didn't actually sleep with (they would have been 16/17, keep in mind, so that wouldn't be an unusual thing). I guess I can't know what's true about this at this point.
2) That he's spending time with OW outside of work. Background: H and his boss work in an oversight role over the other people in his building. The building has several different offices, all of which are under the same franchise, and H/his boss have an oversight role over franchises in their district. So, any type of interaction beyond work/friends with others in the building would be inappropriate and against company policy. OW works in one of the other offices. In one of the friend's e-mails, he notes that H has really messed up because OW notified H's boss that H and OW are hanging out outside of work. This would be a pretty serious thing so it's hard to believe H's friend made it up, but it's possible H's friend was just trying to scare him. H's friend also claims to have been w/ 3 women at once while simultaneously eating a sandwich so... the source may be unreliable to say the least. If this notice was actually filed I would think H would have had to switch jobs, or some other type of serious consequence from his boss, and I can't imagine all that would be happening without it being obvious to me or him saying something. One of the e-mails noted that H was playing Words w/ Friends with the OW, so maybe that's all it's referring to (though I don't think serious enough to report to your workplace).

I know I need to take this opportunity to grow and not reflect on my M and H so much. But it's hard. It's like knowing you should go to the gym and not eat that donut and it would be best for you, but you just do it anyway.

Right now I feel stupid that I'm still "standing" for my M. I don't want to be in denial, I want to face the truth, but I don't know how to do that besides moving out and start splitting up finances, getting documentation to show my interest in the house, etc... essentially starting the path to D. I feel like me trying to DB and focus on me while ignoring the issue is denial. But then again.. if H really did have both feet out and was sure of his decision, wouldn't he have done something by now? Moved out, showed me some D paperwork, anything along those lines? I guess that gives me hope that he's still considering. I don't know if I should feel hopeful about that or not. His actions don't match what he's told me, that's for sure.