Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[KGirl]

I did actually get an answer to my email about financial questions - a text during work today saying "about your email, I'll pay for my half of the insurance, and we can figure out what I owe you for the phone." So at least I'm getting answers about something.. but no hints about what anything "means" going forward.

I'm kind of freaking out. OK, kind of is an understatement, majorly freaking out. Tonight is the first night since BD that H is not home or where I expected him to be... he typically comes home from work around 5:30pm our time and it is now 8pm. Usually he has soccer on Thursday nights but all his stuff is here and his work bag is not, so he never came home from work. My mind is all over the place... has he finally moved his relationship with the OW at work from just workplace conversation to something more? Is it just dinner with friends? Maybe he has a work event? I guess what hurts more is he no longer feels the need to let me know if he's going to be home late or not. I understand why he has no obligation to if he does want a divorce...but him not letting me know that he'd be home late or going somewhere else at work was a big issue in the past, so he knows that it's a sore spot with me. I guess I feel like him not letting me know is giving me the message that he really is done and has no interest in trying to repair/rebuild things with me.

Any good tips on how to cope with this when your H is still living at home (and therefore it's too easy to stress out about where he might be when he's not home) besides GAL? This morning I told myself to keep this up until March 15, as that will be 3 months since BD, and I could evaluate them or ask him what's going on if there's no changes. Now tonight with him being gone I don't feel like I can stand it, and I would be so much less stressed if I just moved out and didn't have to know what he was doing or not doing.

[KGirl]

H finally came home at 9pm and completely ignored me. Went straight to change out of his work clothes and then to the other room to watch TV. Zero small talk or hello's, much less mentioning what he was doing. And things seemed to be going so well/more friendly earlier in the week. I do feel it's a success that I didn't text him or ask him anything like "where are you? when are you coming home? where've you been?" etc. and kept my cool, at least from what he can see, since one of his complaints was that he never felt like he could just go do things with friends/after work and be trusted. Now I just need to figure out how to feel that internally as well! I totally get now what people say on here about their H being an alien... it truly is like he's been replaced with some other version of him that only looks like him, a version that I don't care to in an R with at all.

[labug]

This is all very difficult, isn't it?

When your H doesn't show up when you expect (there's that word) remind yourself, that it's his life and he is free to live it as he wants.

Just as you are.

You said this,"but no hints about what anything "means" going forward." You don't need to wait for hints from him, build your own "going forward." I know it's not easy but it's doable and necessary.

Your H is going through his own emotional turmoil. I'm not apologizing fro him but he's trying to separate from you while still living in a house with you. Of course he's going to be standoffish, maybe even rude.

Hang in there, you can do this.

[KGirl]

So my H accidentally left his email up on the computer. And of course, I had to look.

It was disgusting. He has threads with this other guy from work, that I knew was kind of gross, but it's really just beyond belief. Guy from work tells H things about how I'm "insane", a "nutbag", a "controlling manipulative freak", etc. He's telling H that he needs to get out and find what's right for him, but (thankfully) that "banging the sleazebag pregnant woman from work isn't the right answer, even if you are starting to see her outside of work". Definitely did not know he was hanging out with her outside of work. Most of this could just be talk that my H is not reciprocating (he only responded back specifically to any of these things with a "you're right, it's insane to keep talking to her.") But what really got me was something this guy said about sex. The guy said something gross like "in one 2 day period I QUADRUPLED (8) your lifetime total of schwanking (2)". Yes, this is a 50-some year old man that uses these words than talking to my H. But wait.. where did the second person come from? We started dating when we were 18, he was my first, the couple of times we broke up he said he did not sleep with anyone else, didn't even come close. So now I've been lied to about him being with another person at some point in the past 10 years..? Or maybe he's just lying to this guy because it's embarrassed his number is only 1?

Oh my god. I feel so sick right now. I know people might say things to others/types things they don't really mean in the moment especially if they think the other person isn't looking. I hate this guy H is talking to for filling his head with ridiculous ideas... like "don't waste your time and money reading books or going to counseling, if you don't like her you don't like her, get rid of her moldy @ss" (again, who talks like this??) He's really advising him to not read anything or do counseling? Because clearly this guy at 50-something, single, and regularly hiring hookers, totally knows what he's talking about.

I hope the second person isn't the woman from work, and that her pregnancy is in fact her from her husband and not my H. I really don't know what to do at this point. We had a good night last night talking, watching the olympics ceremony, etc. and now I feel like it's all just an act. I feel like I need to get out NOW.

[labug]

Take some deep breaths and slow down.

You're fueled by emotion right now. Wait for that to settle and see how you feel

[KGirl]

Trying. Trying. Told myself to wait until Monday and see how I feel before doing anything. My original goal of waiting until March 15, if there were no changes, to ask H what was happening just seems so far from now.

[labug]

If you really think about it, the only thing that's changed is you know about this guy's conversations with your H.

Read around the board here, some unflattering things are said about WASs. It's part of the process. This guy doesn't know you, you don't know if anything he says is true. Work at not taking it personally. Stop the mindreading.

I know you don't really want an opportunity for growth right now, but this is one. You are in control of you. Get out and do something, write out exactly what you would like to say to H and then burn it. Make a list of goals (not R goals) you'd like to attain in the next 6 months, things like go on a trip, read a certain book, see an act/play you've always wanted to, you have no restraints right now. Look into Meet Up groups in your area. Get a pedicure or a massage.

Take care of you, let H worry about his braggart friend.

Would doing, saying anything now get you closer to your goal?

[KGirl]

To add to the excitement of the day - I always go to the grocery store Saturday mornings, and the past several H has asked if he could come to to pick out groceries for himself. I said yes again today. When we get there he always asks "what should we do? pay separately or pay together?" to which I always say something like "well we have one cart and we end up sharing the food anyway, so it makes sense to pay with the joint account". So here we are, walking down the aisles with our cart, when H spots a guy and says "Hey, [work friend's first name]!" I've never met friend and no idea what he looks like, so not sure if it's the same guy, but I just keep walking down the aisle to look at stuff while they chit chat. Eventually H catches up with me...
Me: was that [first name] from work or a different guy?
H: yeah, that was him. I guess you've never met him, huh?
Me: Nope. Figured it was best I kept walking because he'd probably wonder why we were shopping together.
H: He did ask if I was alone and I said no, you were down the other aisle. I don't think he'd want to meet you either.

So I kept my cool and didn't bring in anything that I found out about today. It's kind of comforting to know that H's friend is completely out of it, since essentially he won't meet me or talk to me but apparently can give H an accurate assessment that I am a crazy, manipulative nutcase (among other things that he wrote). I can acknowledge that some of my behavior was controlling in the past, and yes I did flip out the first few days after BD, but wouldn't anyone in that situation? And I've made huge changes to how I interact with H and my attitude about things since then. I want to be mad at H's friend, but really this is about H and his inability to A) confide in people who won't make judgments and who will have his best interests at heart, who clearly are not the best role models for this type of thing, B) be so easily influenced by these "friends." This is not the first time that H has made a new friend who is a "player" and then H feels like he wants to get into that lifestyle, too. Looking back, the timing of his behavior and when this guy came into his life matches up exactly. A lot of these crappy emails were back in early January, not so much as of late besides random comments to H about whether he's checking out how certain "things" about OW are changing as her pregnancy moves along (gross, gross, gross).


I'm thinking about whether the only thing that's changed is that I know about the conversations. But now I "know" some things I did not before that I can't just un-know and make me lose more faith/trust in my H. I say "know" in quotes because it's possible they aren't true or are exaggerations...I'm going to think through this via typing:
1) That H has slept w/ someone else besides me despite always telling me I was the only one. He could have exaggerated to impress his friend. Maybe he's counting his girlfriend before me who he fooled around with but didn't actually sleep with (they would have been 16/17, keep in mind, so that wouldn't be an unusual thing). I guess I can't know what's true about this at this point.
2) That he's spending time with OW outside of work. Background: H and his boss work in an oversight role over the other people in his building. The building has several different offices, all of which are under the same franchise, and H/his boss have an oversight role over franchises in their district. So, any type of interaction beyond work/friends with others in the building would be inappropriate and against company policy. OW works in one of the other offices. In one of the friend's e-mails, he notes that H has really messed up because OW notified H's boss that H and OW are hanging out outside of work. This would be a pretty serious thing so it's hard to believe H's friend made it up, but it's possible H's friend was just trying to scare him. H's friend also claims to have been w/ 3 women at once while simultaneously eating a sandwich so... the source may be unreliable to say the least. If this notice was actually filed I would think H would have had to switch jobs, or some other type of serious consequence from his boss, and I can't imagine all that would be happening without it being obvious to me or him saying something. One of the e-mails noted that H was playing Words w/ Friends with the OW, so maybe that's all it's referring to (though I don't think serious enough to report to your workplace).

I know I need to take this opportunity to grow and not reflect on my M and H so much. But it's hard. It's like knowing you should go to the gym and not eat that donut and it would be best for you, but you just do it anyway.

Right now I feel stupid that I'm still "standing" for my M. I don't want to be in denial, I want to face the truth, but I don't know how to do that besides moving out and start splitting up finances, getting documentation to show my interest in the house, etc... essentially starting the path to D. I feel like me trying to DB and focus on me while ignoring the issue is denial. But then again.. if H really did have both feet out and was sure of his decision, wouldn't he have done something by now? Moved out, showed me some D paperwork, anything along those lines? I guess that gives me hope that he's still considering. I don't know if I should feel hopeful about that or not. His actions don't match what he's told me, that's for sure.

[KGirl]

And no, you're right labug. Doing or saying anything will not get me closer to my goal. Asking him about what he's doing w/ OW outside of work, or who else he's slept with etc., is just going to show him that I'm snooping, that I don't trust him if none of those things are in fact true/happened and I'm misinterpreting something in the emails since I don't have the work conversation context, and essentially confirm H's friend's "assessment" that I am a crazy piece of work. I don't want H's friend to be right on that one : ) Even though it's really hard internally to be wondering all these things.

[KGirl]

Thinking this evening about my support network, and it feels lonely to say it really only consists of one friend, my IC (who I haven't seen in 3 weeks... should probably get back into that), and this message board, along with all the books I've been reading. My mom and sister came to town today to go out to lunch and shopping, and my mom just says the craziest things. I basically had to tell her I just can't talk with you about this anymore. She goes from forgetting what I've told her before ("why didn't you invite H to lunch?" "Mom, he said he wants a divorce, I'm not inviting him to lunch" "he didn't really say that, did he?" "well, he said he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, so yes, he did.") to attempting to fix things for me ("why don't you ask him on a date? that would help. And make sure to get him a birthday present") to making jokes ("you didn't do his laundry for him before? well no wonder... just kidding"). His birthday is on March 5 and I can't think that far ahead right now, much less deal with her comments. So, crossing her off the list of people who will be supportive, as well as my "just confront him and get rid of him" friend.

Will work on my personal goals as well as things that are in my control that will help me be less fearful of the situation (like visit an L to know what my options are re: moving out and the mortgage, etc.) so that I don't have to be anxious about the unknown. H is fluctuating today between things like asking about my trip out w/ my mom and how it was, to saying things like "I have to catch up on [tv show] eventually but I probably won't be watching it with you since I have to get through [other tv show] first" completely nonchalantly, whatever that exactly is supposed to mean, but something about how I won't be around I guess. But I guess they all fall under the category of "friendly", which is what he wants to be anyways - just friends. *sigh*