I honestly don't think I can be her friend in the Long run. She did so much that am sure I can't forgive or get of my mind. I felt used and taking advantage. Time will tell.
Are you going to pick up the car or pick out the car you bought? I am confused on what you meant there.
I suggest forgetting about long term words like always, never, any, and all.....Those words predict the future. Looking into the magic 8 ball is not something I recommend. You need to be focused on the here and now....How are you going to get yourself into a better place?
How to handle her calls...Hmmmm. First you have to understand that she is in an affair which is an addictive high. Keep that in your mind from this point forward. You can't help her with it...it is her addiction.
So in regards to her calls....If she is calling repeatedly though out the day you will have to answer. My suggestion is to temporarily ignore the calls. Give say an hour before replying. Now the reply can be text or call...Find out what she is calling about. If she is calling in regards to you just say "I am fine", "I am busy", etc...Maybe even answer the phone by inquiring about your daughter. Right now you are over-emotional, so you need to put up a shroud of sorts to cover up the pain. Once you are dealing with the pain, then calls can be handled differently, boundaries can be put up, etc.....But that is down the road, not right now.
@lostforwrds. I already paid for the car. She requested for specific interior and trim and the local dealership in my state don't have it. So my dealership guy did a state wide search for me to get what she want. The car as being sitting at the dealership for a month and ready to be ship to her. I put a stop to the delivery three weeks ago and decided to bring the car home since I already paid for it. She already called me like 8times today, but to be honest her calls means nothing. Her calls is just a way to show she's supportive of what am going through. I ignore her calls and waited for two hrs to call her back. She's clearly delusional and selfish. You want out of a marriage but still want the man to buy you a brand new car. I just finished paying for the new car I bought her 4yrs ago. But she now want another new car on me with OM to enjoy around town. That ain't going to happen. I'll Put the car for sale since I don't need it.
Our wedding pictures around the house bother me a lot, they remind me of our past memory, vacation, family portrait and e.t.c. I'm not sure if I should put them down for now. I sleep in one of the guest bedroom not to keep a constant reminder of her and all we share together. All this is difficult for me to deal with but I've to do something to find my happiness. I plan on going out tonight by myself to have dinner and some drinks. I mean one or two glass of wine. I'll not play the stupid game she's playing, she will probably will like me to do that and also pick a woman to that with. I'll honor my vows to the end.
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is a tough place to be. Reread the advice you have been given already. Instead of focusing on W and OM, you need to focus on yourself. What are you going to do to help yourself become the man only a fool would leave?
If W continues to call just text her and say something along the lines of "I appreciate your concern, I am fine. I will be calling each night (or whenever) to speak with D. While you are in another R, there is nothing else for us to talk about" When you call to speak with D, do not allow her the opportunity to speak about other things. If she tries, don't engage. If she won't put D on the phone tell her you have to go and will call back in x minutes and ask her to have D answer the phone. Don't play her games.
How much are you financially supporting her at this time?
Have you really stopped drinking? Just like that? Is drinking the reason you were suspended? Is that what led you to put the wrong note in the report?
Start working out or doing something to help you get your mind and emotions into a better place. You will feel better if you exercise. I know it is hard. We are all here to help you.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
@lovethehub. I pay all her expenses and send her money every week. I recently stopped paying her rent since she make enough money to take care of that now. I was suspend from work because I couldn't focus. I wrote her name and other stuff on my patient note. I also walk out multiple time fighting tears. I gave this woman everything she need, it's sad this how she will Pay me back. Her calls is fake. I'm sure her brother and sister and giving her the tools she need to fight me in the divorce. I'm currently building a bigger home for my family, I'm sure her eye is on that house because of the amount of cash that was invested in the property from my pocket. She recently told me to finish the house using cash instead of taking alone. I'm sure W and her family are targeting that house. I think I was used. But kind of crazy for a woman to use a man for 9yrs. I think she initially love me but probably change after number of yrs. No respect at all for me she hang up the phone on me to talk to OM. I pay the cell phone bill, but she deny me the access to talk to my daughter because she was on the phone with OM. I never had the opportunity to be a father because of the distance between us. We planned on moving to another state together to raise our family in 4month. She denied me that opportunity because of OM. I'm honestly tired and don't feel like dealing with this pain.
Do what you need to do with the pictures! If the reminders bother you, then by all means take them down and put them in a box.
Lovehub has other good ways to deal with the calls.....Be positive but firm.
I say hold onto the car for now....Just park it in the garage. I do agree with not sending it to her....
I want you to understand that there are really two things going on for you now. You are just starting the long voyage of DB'ing your marriage. That is a fruitful voyage!!! There is also the business side of all this.
On the business side....It sounds like you pay for everything for her, right down to buying her a car. There is also the outstanding $100K loan to your FIL. I suggest you consult a lawyer...This doesn't mean you are filing divorce papers, just know your rights as a husband and father. You do need to protect yourself....and at the same time I do feel that you paying for everything your wife does in light of the current situation is asking a lot. Before you do anything though...talk to a lawyer.
I like the dinner out alone idea....sounds like a good plan. Keep it alone....no women, but maybe a guy friend. If you want to Db your marriage there is no room at all for dating, etc....so don't even start thinking it.
@lostforwards. I recently had a meeting with FIL about the money. He gave the usual excuse, business is slow but planning to pay back soon. Oh no. The car is not going anywhere, in fact, I'm putting it for sale soon. I won't be paying for a car I don't need. She tricked me to buy this car with OM. No way will I pay for there lifestyle. I work hard for everything I got, no dime from W with everything I own. But I bet she want a big peace of the pie for lying to me and having affair. I just don't trust them. Funny people. Can you believe am also grieving while she's doing all this nonsense. I lost my sister in the middle of all this and she's out doing all this to me. What a cold and heartless woman. I've being working hard to give everything, but tonight it's all about me. I'll have the best meal money can buy tonight. I only have two friends here, they are both married with kids. I also hate to get them involved in all this because they talk a lot.
One of the the things I found...Which might not be 100% DB'ing (and I suppose depends on the strength of the person) is the less I talked about things with people, the better the situation. I wasn't being reminded of what was going on and of course there was nobody to talk about things....I went so quiet about talking of things that my FIL called 4 months after I threw her out...Because he was wondering what was going on with us. He had no idea what had transpired LOL.
The other part is....Most people don't know DB'ing techniques and their thoughts are usually counter productive to DB'ing.
So take the friends out if you want....put no talk of the relationship problems.
Honestly...Though I would consult a lawyer to make sure you aren't getting yourself in trouble and a DB coach... a great 180 for you is to stop paying her bills. You still need to pay your money for daughter...and also iron out a visitation plan. So don't jump into these actions, but they need to be on the radar.
Right now we need to get you breathing Lost....Calmed down and relaxed as possible. You have a lot going on.....breathing right now has to be a priority.
