Still Together & Trying To Work It Out!

[Azagtoth]

Follow up to initial post:

Bd was July 2013 with ILYBNILWY. AIthough I knew we had a major emotional disconnect, also got the following statments which seemed to indicate MLC:

- you deserve better than this.
- don't you want someone to reflect your love?
- I feel like I just woke up / feeling her age.
- its not you its me
- you are a great guy and a wonderful father.
- I still care about you and love you like a friend / brother.

Not one time wad any fault put on me at BD and the years of deployments and feeling neglected never came up untill later. I kept cool at first, reassured her I loved her and told her I would not stop her if she wanted to leave but soon I broke down and did all the wrong things (beg, plead, etc).

I immediately began working on the changes I knew needed to be done. Initially I did this out of panic but soon realized I didnt really like myself and the way I had been for a long time so why should she?
Of course my changes were abrupt but they were sincerely things I was lacking on and I maintained at a steady pace through August and September. I noticed she became curious and was a bit more interested in me but her attitude would fluctuate every coupleof days.

I started to notice A LOT of her texting in the evenings and guarding her phone like a hawk. I finally checked the phone bill on 1 October and saw hundreds of texts between her and a familiar number; it was a male "friend" she had introduced me too about 6 months prior and I had actually hit it off with the guy. Now I was able tosee what was up. I confronted her with having at least an EA. She did not deny it and was immediately remorseful. It wasnt until the following eveing when I dropped the hammer on her hard. I got curious so I went back and checked past phone records and the texts were in the thousands! I couldn't go back all the way but she said it started in April 2013 and I estimated at least 15,000 total at a minimum. She swore it was never a PA and I have never found any evidence that it was. I raged on her hard for probably 3 hours and verbally beat her down. Probably wrong way todo it but made my point it wasnt tolerated. I immediately emplaced a NC boundary permanently on the OM and she has honored it to date.

After the EA bust things just went down hill. She was most likely going through OM withdrawal and I could see the depression all the way through 1st week in November. She finally came out with she doesnt love me and it would never change, she needed her space, and she wished I woild just leave. It was at this time she stopped the history rewrite and brought out the resentment of all the military deployments and neglect. Of course, I had another melt down but two days later I was furious and I finally toldher she had two options: professional help or she needed to leave. I was doing everything I could to work on things but if she wanted out then go. I wasnt leaving and neither was D10. I said I woild even help her pack. She broke down and said no, lets do MC/IC because she didnt want to throw away a 22 year relationship and we hadnt tried everything yet.

About this time I discovered this site and started reading about the WAW. As I interviewed counselors, none of them heard of MWD buti did find one that was extremely pro-marriage, used solution-focused therapy and had experience with both military marriages and typically dealt with the exact issues we were having. We have been in counseling ever since and have had some positives but also some set backs.

I had already been doing GAL. Got involved in church again, joined VFW, intensified one of my hobbies and getting ready to start a new one with D10. I also focus alot on D10; she goes where I go and she keeps me company in order to give wife space.

Thats the basic history. I will follow up with the current situation and perhaps some insight on what is going on with a recent 2 steps forward 3 steps back situation.

I am still reading DR and am implementing some 180's along with regular MC with wife. I am pretty detached from her actions at this point and just observing and being upbwat and pleasant. She is still at home, still in same bed, no talk of D, butbasically we are just friends and roomates right now.

Thanks for reading.

Azagtoth