I feel like I am in limbo

[Accuray]

Agree with Breakdown 100%. One trap we fall into as an LBS is that we think every conversation with the WAS is life or death, but it's not. This will unfold slowly over a long period of time. If you have something to tell her, tell her once. If she's not deaf, she heard you so no need to repeat it. Just let her know that you can and will forgive her with time, you understand that she's confused and her feelings are not there right now and that's okay, give herself some time to figure out what she wants. She didn't feel this way when she married you, so that's proof that feelings can change. Tell her that after some time passes, if she decides she does want to start a NEW relationship with you, you will both have work to do to make sure it doesn't end up like the last one, and that you're willing to do the work. That said, you will NOT re-engage unless OM is gone, there is no further contact ever, and she provides transparency until such time that trust is restored.

She doesn't have to decide that now, and you're not telling her what to do. She can do whatever she wants, but if she wants a relationship with you, that's the ticket for admission, then go out and get a life and start finding out how to have a good time again.

Acc

I would not get involved with advising or counseling her about what to do with OM. That's up to her. You can listen and practice active listening skills provided it's not hurting you. If it's hurting you to hear it then tell her you don't want to know.