She feels that I never "had her back" with the kids. I
Putting the word "never" aside, is this true? Either way, why does she have this perception?
I'll say that my input is a little colored. I felt that my XH took sides with anyone who opposed me. He said his natural position was to be the devil's advocate. This actually was one of the big issues that we hashed out in MC. I really didn't think he cared enough to do anything about changing his position. Until... my D19's senior year in high school. It was a year of fighting hell between me and her. Christmas Eve she picked a fight with me in front of him and much to my surprise, he stepped in. I think I stopped crying when he said sternly to her: "D, for crying out loud. Give your mom a break okay? You're looking for trouble, and I don't appreciate you treating Mom that way. She doesn't deserve that."
Let me tell you that it went a LONG, LONG way in me being extra nice to him.
On to the next one:
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I told her she removed herself and she should fix that.
Paul, Paul, Paul... You had to add that expectation loaded statement? You could have stopped before you said that and really validated her feelings and come away from the discussion as the "new and improved H" to your wife. Believe me, I bet she knows that it's up to her to fix this mess she's caused.
I'm glad you committed to defending her to the kids no matter what. She's still their mom. Good for you.
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I reminded W that I can only clean up my side, but I did say that I felt our problems were fixable as long as we worked on ourselves and be honest. She told me she swallowed a lot of her feelings. I told her I regretted that I had not heard her if she had tried to tell me she felt bad. She cried a lot.
She probably doesn't want to hear your opinion too much, at least this early in the situation. Give her some time. Validate, validate, validate! She's telling YOU some important pieces to this puzzle you're in. Listen twice as much as you speak.
Keep going--
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
