separated 8 weeks still on the journey

[Roberta]

I am glad to hear that. Did you mean Jody?

[paul19510]

kindle keyboards....ugh I am working with Jody

[paul19510]

Journal: I callednW andnextended invitation to a S12 last home game of season. I also extended an invite to stay at the house tonight because its a very early game and the logistics of getting there and taking care of morning chores would make it less likely for her to say yes. She told me she had to see about some things first before she answered.

My goodnold friend offered the advice that since people knew about our witch W might feel very uncomfortable. Coming to the game. She told me I understand you wanted to share what happened but now you see the downside of that. Your W may feel she entering a hostile situation. I feel awful about thistle realization. There is nothing I csn do now. I will introduce W to the other parents. I had to check back hours later to see if W was planning to go and if she was staying at the house tonight in orderto attend because W never got back to me about it. She said she was planning to attend the game and would drive there with D 13. Who know the way. W has never been to the brink in the 9 months we played there. Parents often wondered if I was single. When we split, I told them we split.

I am glad for S 12. That W will see him play 1 time this year.I only feel. Bad tohave shared my ditch...I still think W should have come to see him play.

[paul19510]

These entries are hard to do on my kindle. Sorry for any typos. I still don't know if W is staying here at house but I'm. Just going to drop it. If she's. Here then so be it. W sounded mad that I checked back about the game. Doesn't matter anymore. I told her I was just trying to get my day today organized and wanted to k ow since I will be at clients today and wouldnt have time after mast nighttotellkids she was coming and tidy up the house. My sense is that she does not want to do this.
When I presented the idea to her I asked her if she thought that the current witch was straining her R with our kids. She said yes. I explained that I wanted to find an opportunity for her to sspend time with them is this was the last game of the year. I wanted her to see S12. Doing something her loves....

[paul19510]

One final entry for now. W said she did t have time to think about the invite so that's. Why she didn't. Call back....but shed already discussed it with D 13 and made plans to drive there....I don't. Understand that statement. She thought about the invite enough to make plans.....

[labug]

Paule if you read this

explained that I wanted to find an opportunity for her to spend time with them is this was the last game of the year. I wanted her to see S12. Doing something he loves....

on someone else's thread, what would you say?

[AnotherStander]

Paul, I agree with the others about taking a break now and making sure this is really what you want. Your sitch is barely 2 months old, I really feel like before you can be prepared for D you have to be completely detached and able to look at your sitch almost like you're viewing it from the outside looking in rather than from the inside. I think a lot of people rush a D through too early in their sitch because they think it'll bring them closure and allow them to move on. BUT IT WON'T! Only detachment will get you there, and divorce is NOT detachment. So slow down, take a deep breath, give yourself some time to sort through your thoughts. Like we always say, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You have plenty of time, use it effectively.

[paul19510]

Paule if you read this

explained that I wanted to find an opportunity for her to spend time with them is this was the last game of the year. I wanted her to see S12. Doing something he loves....

on someone else's thread, what would you say?

I'm trying to fix W's problem. I didn't need to do that. its her issue not mine. I need to love my kids and remind them to continue to be respectful to each of us. that is all I need to do. w's issues are her's. I have plenty of my own work to do.

thanks for being gentle about it Bug!

today W texted me a long text about pickin D16 up from school when she was sick. d16 and her got into another argument. w felt disrespected. I called W and spoke about it with her. She feels that I never "had her back" with the kids. I started to defend myself and then stopped and actually apologized and asked her to continue. She cried a lot and said its the 4 of us and she's on the outside now. I told her she removed herself and she should fix that.

I reminded W that I can only clean up my side, but I did say that I felt our problems were fixable as long as we worked on ourselves and be honest. She told me she swallowed a lot of her feelings. I told her I regretted that I had not heard her if she had tried to tell me she felt bad. She cried a lot.

I told W regardless of D or not, I will not allow kids or anyone else to disrespect her. W cried very hard to hear that. I told her that's just part of my own personal journey.

My kids are really hurting over this mess. I reminded her that they are not in the driver's seat on this ride. We need to see that and give them patience where possible.

[paul19510]

Paul, I agree with the others about taking a break now and making sure this is really what you want. Your sitch is barely 2 months old, I really feel like before you can be prepared for D you have to be completely detached and able to look at your sitch almost like you're viewing it from the outside looking in rather than from the inside. I think a lot of people rush a D through too early in their sitch because they think it'll bring them closure and allow them to move on. BUT IT WON'T! Only detachment will get you there, and divorce is NOT detachment. So slow down, take a deep breath, give yourself some time to sort through your thoughts. Like we always say, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You have plenty of time, use it effectively.

Thanks AS. I will remember that I need to slow things down and see how the situation of developing before making any rash moves. W and I spoke. She's in a lot of pain. I felt bad, but it her's to deal with. I told her I'm working on me and keeping my kids safe and healthy...

[Underdog]

Paul,

She feels that I never "had her back" with the kids. I

Putting the word "never" aside, is this true? Either way, why does she have this perception?

I'll say that my input is a little colored. I felt that my XH took sides with anyone who opposed me. He said his natural position was to be the devil's advocate. This actually was one of the big issues that we hashed out in MC. I really didn't think he cared enough to do anything about changing his position. Until... my D19's senior year in high school. It was a year of fighting hell between me and her. Christmas Eve she picked a fight with me in front of him and much to my surprise, he stepped in. I think I stopped crying when he said sternly to her: "D, for crying out loud. Give your mom a break okay? You're looking for trouble, and I don't appreciate you treating Mom that way. She doesn't deserve that."

Let me tell you that it went a LONG, LONG way in me being extra nice to him.

On to the next one:

I told her she removed herself and she should fix that.

Paul, Paul, Paul... You had to add that expectation loaded statement? You could have stopped before you said that and really validated her feelings and come away from the discussion as the "new and improved H" to your wife. Believe me, I bet she knows that it's up to her to fix this mess she's caused.

I'm glad you committed to defending her to the kids no matter what. She's still their mom. Good for you.

I reminded W that I can only clean up my side, but I did say that I felt our problems were fixable as long as we worked on ourselves and be honest. She told me she swallowed a lot of her feelings. I told her I regretted that I had not heard her if she had tried to tell me she felt bad. She cried a lot.

She probably doesn't want to hear your opinion too much, at least this early in the situation. Give her some time. Validate, validate, validate! She's telling YOU some important pieces to this puzzle you're in. Listen twice as much as you speak.

Keep going--

Betsey