This, That and The Other

[Underdog]

I dunno, Wonka. I see what both of you are saying and agree with points made by both of you.

Since my XH's family is littered with diagnosed but untreated depression, I see some huge similarities between them and my heroin addicted brother. Yes, they are illnesses, but yes, they can be treated with medication and therapy. I'm going to leave illness created depression, which is kind of a different horse in this corral, out of my discussion.

I will not have a R with my brother any longer while he's using. That's my boundary. I also will not stay at my parents' house when he moves back with them. Another boundary. Fortunately for all of us, he's in jail somewhere. My mom finally found her limit and kicked him out. I can't tell you how awful it had to get for her to do it - he did something heinous and criminal and she couldn't handle it anymore. Anyway, back to the discussion at hand.

Unconditional love should first go to ourselves. If the depressed person negatively affects the family, I have to agree with Bug that it's acceptable to place boundaries there. I didn't hear her advise Melissa or anyone else that they'd have to D someone. Maybe separate for awhile isn't a bad thing, though.

I say this from experience. My XH was horribly depressed when he walked out. He engaged in negative behaviors (drinking too much and driving), he avoided me and the girls, and he was generally snotty and resentful to a lot of people close to him. The court forced him into C after his DUI, and I really knew it was rock bottom. Only I thought he would continue to explore why he was unhappy and chose to drink himself to death. I was wrong. He chose to run away. The man who walked out on me was a shell of a man I used to know. His eyes were vacant, and he just appeared to be a soulless body surviving in the world.

He's much better today, but to say he's not still depressed would be a lie. He still drinks too much and too often. Though he doesn't drive while doing it (he has a sober GF who is now his personal taxi), he has truly not stepped up to the plate to get treated. He's told me that his doctor suggests his high blood pressure and high cholesterol has everything to do with his lifestyle and choices, and had long advocated making some changes - to include counseling. Yet he refuses to do it.

My brother also does not stick with his own sobriety program. Usually about the 12 month mark, he thinks he's smarter than everyone who holds him accountable and he stops going to meetings. One day, my parents are going to get the visit from the boys in blue to let them know he's been found dead and rotting in some back alley in the bowels of drug infested DC.

So I guess I'm saying that we all deserve to protect ourselves. Depression and addiction ARE illnesses. But if they didn't negatively impact and affect others, there would be no reason for Al-Anon or any other codependency programs out there.

And I don't know if I've ever said this on this BB before. While I genuinely like my XH and consider him a friend and good father, I am truly, TRULY grateful that I am no longer married to him. His unwillingness to heal himself is unattractive to me from a partner aspect, and I no longer want that kind of R with my lover. It's hollow and empty.

While I also consider my XH to have suffered from MLC at the same time, I think the depression made it much worse than it already was. Maybe that's what's different - he no longer acts like he's in MLC. I don't think it's black and white, and I also think it's the case of a barrel of monkeys.