On to Divorce and still litigating...new life.

[ericmsant2]

Floydman,

I caught up on your thread….

She just wants misery for me, to frustrate me and to see me fail.

It may not be that way for her. She may just be scared and trying to get every nickel she can. Chances are this has more to do with HER than YOU. Although, when you are on the receiving end it sure does not feel that way.

She's a bully and will always be one

Sounds like my XW. Believe it or not, she may have learned this from YOU. I am not being critical of you – not at all. Just that in HER eyes – YOU may have been the bully to her. So since she is incapable of seeing her role in this; she defers to what SHE BELIEVES she needs to do. Be a bully. My XW is still this way, even after years. Your best bet – stay away from her.

but coparenting is next to impossible

Look up parallel parenting. Chances are you will be using this approach for a LOOOOONNNNGGG time. It is not the greatest, but when that is all you got, that is all ya got.

The only part that cares or wishes her well is that she is well and affects the kids positively. I have to be around as I need to know they are okay. Right now they are not.

I wished I could tell you that the kids will not be impacted. Sorry man, chances are they will. You though can try and minimize it. Believe it or not, they will figure it out. It will not mean that they do not love their mom. They will. They always will. They will also realize just how F up she can be. They will forgive her though.

In my own sitch ….for a while…I wanted my kids to hate my XW for her actions and what she put them through. I wondered why they never seemed to be mad at her. Then it hit me. EXPECTATIONS. They expect so little from her. I had to come to the realization that as long as THEY were happy that I was happy – even if they could overlook everything she had done and continued to do….if they were HAPPY that is all we really want for our kids- right?

from AJM…….They need you to guide them how to release that anger and they'll look for examples

Yep. You do not always have to sugar coat stuff for them but be careful what you say. Allow them to express how they feel and I’m sure someone already reminded to you to validate them.

I had asked my exW last night if she would speak on the phone or over a coffee about how we can work on together in getting them help and align on a united front for a game plan that is consistent messaging. Today she declined and said we'd revisit the counselling idea in a few months.

For me, it has been years and XW and I have NO communication. Personally, I would suggest that you give up the idea of trying to co parent with her. It will only continue to frustrate you. As much as it [censored], work directly with the kids. You may find that it is much easier.

Classic her...sweeping things under the carpet until they pop up more problematic later on.

Note my earlier point – It is ALL ABOUT HER. You do not matter (as long as you continue to pay what she is entitled to), the kids matter as long as it is on HER terms. In terms of future problems….chances are your W is not worried about the future right now – why should she? She knows you love the kids and will do anything for them, so do you really think if it is not about HER that she cares. You’ll fix it later.

She tells the kids already before she asked me so that was manipulative.

Because everything is about HER.

Bottom line, trying to deal with her about kid issues is going to suck for a while. Your best best- Totally ignore her. Just deal with the kids. Now, if the kids get rushed to the hospital, then yeah call her – other than that – NO CONTACT.

Now as for your Divorce….stop wasting money going back and forth. The L’s are the only ones making out. If your L feels that the offer you put forth was fair. Then just go to court. I am not sure what state you are in. If it is mine (CT) then I tread lightly. CT tends to hang man by the ba**s.

You do not need to be nice anymore.

This is a business transaction. Do not think for a second that if she can get an extra nickel she will do whatever to get it.

I’ll close with this……

It gets better dude. Much better than you can ever imagine.

I have a great R with my kids. A 50/50 split.

I have dealt with the parental interference issues successfully (my XW tried to poison mine against me – actually still tries with my D).

The kids know the truth and still love their mom. They just do not expect much from her.

I have no contact with XW, which is EXCELLENT

Work has gotten better

My life has gotten better

Finances have turned around. I am almost out of debt.

Life is truly good…..

It get’s better Floyd…it really does man! Create as much distance between you and her. Keep being the best dad you can be.

Chances are your XW…will for a while continue to do things that piss you off, that you may take personal. Don’t. Welcome to the world of dealing with someone totally broken, scared and self centered.

Focus on YOUR life Floyd…..only YOU life.


God Bless,
Eric