I feel my marriage is done

[ericmsant2]

NY

It just frustrates me at times that W was so quick to hook back up with old high school boyfriend

I totally get it dude. Yep it [censored]. Guess what though? He is NOT you! Never gonna be YOU! OM is never gonna be “dad” to your D. Like all R’s, once the hormones slow down, and the honeymoon period is over, the truth starts to come out. The fantasy begins to fad. And both YOUR W and OM will be faced with the reality of HOW the R started and the impact it has had. Some will end the affair, others will keep it going. Why? Because IMO, sometimes it is easier to keep the A going. It is much easier to stay with the norm than to look inside and do the internal work. What do I mean by internal work? YOU and YOUR W have an opportunity right now to look at your role in the demise of the M. Look at WHY you both did the things you did, why the dynamic between you two was what it was, why you were both attracted to each other, what role your upbringing had in the M, how you have each changed, what fears you both have and WHY. Right now, NY, she may not want to do that – but YOU can. Doing it will benefit you WHEN and IF she comes back.

So how does NY do the work for himself……


The less YOU look at HER the better YOU will be. You see, a lot times people come here looking for the quick fix. Looking for the one thing that they can say or do that will bring the spouse back. In short, they give up their entire sense of self and POWER to the spouse. That is NOT healthy. It stems from FEAR and in a way - the need to control. I am not saying that you should give up and file for a divorce – nope. I am saying that the more you focus on her, the less time and energy you have to focus on you.

While W is out running around I am working on bettering myself, reading books, & writing on the forum to gain knowledge & understanding.

Great!

I took a look at the things in the relationship that I messed up on & am trying to work on those things.

Even better!

thinking of myself first instead of placing family first

Why do you say this ^^^? What events or actions did you do that lead you to believe this? Once you answer my next question is going to be WHY did you do the things that you describe. Was it how you were raise, what exactly was it. Psst…answering all of these questions take time, it takes really digging into who is NY.

being selfish

What does being selfish mean to YOU? Describe it? Give me some examples.

getting mad at the small things that in the big scheme are not that big of deal

Give me some example of why you say this. Do you have any idea of why you would get mad at the “small stuff”?

How old is YOUR D?

How far are you living from your W?

Does your D want to come over during the week? If she did, could you fit that in with your current work schedule?

BTW, what do you do for a living (just wondering)?


I’ll close with this….you sound good, sound like you have your head screwed on right and IMO, you are taking the right approach with all of this. It is not easy man. So take a step back and be proud of yourself. Oh…and one other piece of advice. While you are off living alone – please be careful – try not to get “emotionally” attached to another women. Right now, you are very vulnerable and meeting someone will just complicate chit.

If you get a chance, read an old poster named Truegritter.

Peace,
Eric