Bright, Your h is moving at his own pace on his own time clock. It appears to be slow to you, but in his world, he's moving just fine.
Just remember, some do come out of it and others don't. Know one can tell which ones will make it to the other side as mature, healed adults.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Portia, Thanks for posting. I've been focusing on myself for the past few months and there really hasn't been too much to report. I'll go over to your thread and see where Skippy is in his journey when I'm finished here.
Things have been status quo for the past month. Up until today my h has been up and down with contact. He goes from contacting me every other day to once or twice a week and then back again to almost daily contact. He seemed to be pulling away little by little and redefining our relationship or what's left of it. We have had no R talks just friendly convos mostly via phone.
Today things seemed to change dramatically. He is irritated that I didn't confide in him about the ow's husband making a surprise visit a few days ago. Late this afternoon he sent the following: "Just so you know, I am unhappy about xxxxx's surprise visit. It was not appropriate. Taking appropriate steps". I'm just now realizing what he meant. I did respond with a simple "okay" before I realized what he was saying.
In hindsight, I should have just ignored the text and let him take whatever he thinks are "the appropriate steps". In his eyes, this is his long awaited excuse to take legal action (separation/divorce). Because I didn't warn him about her h coming to town he sees it as betrayal!!!! That is certainly grounds for legal action. LOL This is so incredibly ridiculous.
I will patiently wait for his "appropriate steps". I don't feel obligated to explain anything to him and definitely won't defend myself but I do want to be ready for whatever he throws at me. I have re-read one the threads that has the responses, "I'm sorry you feel that way", "this isn't what I want" etc. but somehow I can't hear myself keeping it to the "canned" responses this time. God knows what I'll say but I'll do my best. I'm a bit rusty on Dbing so any ideas on how to respond without sounding canned are appreciated.
Just to fill in a few things that have been going on with h and ow. The house that my h bought and now lives in with ow has some serious legal issues around it. When he told me about it he indicated that he may be reversing the transaction on the house completely! In other words moving out and looking for another house or ????? The previous owners didn't give full disclosure when they sold the house. If it come down to reversing the deal, I'm not sure what he'll do. If he was thinking about dumping the ow, this would have been his chance. With the latest events, I don't think that this is going to happen any time soon. He says he's not stressed about it but I know that this will put him over the edge. He didn't do well with any type of turmoil prior to mlc so I can't imagine that he will now.
All I can do is pray and let God take care of it and him.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
NLT -I do not post much any more, but I often think about your sitch, and hoped that your xh was waking up from his folly.
Like you, I feel uneasy with the 'canned response', but think it is more about the mindset we need to get into. Non-engagement, and listening without getting sucked into their drama. We do not need to take responsibility for what others choose to do, or accept the 'blame' for it.
This isn't to say we were perfect during our marriage, but these people have issues, they really do.
So it is a matter of putting the approach into your own words. I said to my xh that it wasn't what I wanted, and I was deeply sorry that it had come to this. I urged him gently to reconsider.
I have ocme to accept what my therapist said seven years ago, that he thought my xh had a personality disorder, and untreated these only get worse. I believe that many of the MLC spouses have this - they live with it for many years, often, until it starts to take them outside the bounds of 'normality' and they begin to engage in behaviours that are definitely not normal.
Unfortunately we live in a world where marital breakdown and adultery are fairly common, for a variety of reasons, and their behaviour is therefore less obvious than if they suddenly started on physical violence, or major fraud. In other words they are doing stuff they can get away with in our current society.
From what you have posted previously the OW is a nut job - how could she be a real alternative to you, for a normal man? The people these MLCers leave us for are damaged goods, and the MLCer doesn't seem to see in, in fact they seek them out, I believe, to validate their craziness.
But the MLCer doesn't see their damage. Take care of yourself emotionally and financially - it can get ugly, whatever they say at the outset of divorce, like 'it's just a piece of paper' Really? So is a will, but it is a darned important one that totally changes the legal and financial relationship, not to mention the emotional one.
Bea, Thanks for "coming out" and posting. I've always valued your advice and opinions. My mlcer hasn't been an angry one but I see the similarities in our husbands' character. In the past I had a tendency to defend or excuse his quirky ways because of his mostly "normal" appearing behavior and above average intellect. Now, looking back I do believe that you're therapist or ANY therapist would probably say the same about my h.
It angers me that adultery is acceptable and that the laws have changed to the point where a marriage can be dissolved as "irreconcilable" with the snap of a finger without regard to the destruction of lives in the process. You and Job and a few others have posted about mlc being a mental illness. If only it would be recognized in the mental health community. Those effected might get the help that they need. There would be a lot fewer children and spouses suffering the consequences of a family torn apart by this mental illness.
When and if it comes down to it, I will give my h the canned response with a comment or two added for effect! LOL What do I have to lose. I will make it subtle and well placed depending on the conversation. The last time he talked about separation I did just that. "Not what I want" followed by a "I'm happy the way things are" and suggesting that he take his time. It has held him off from filing for over 6 months and given him a chance to see the real behaviors of the ow.
Hopefully he'll cool down and realize that he's over-reacting to a simple visit that he had no right to be involved in. Apparently the ow's H contacted her many days after he got to town and asked her if she wanted to meet. She could have said no but she didn't. From what he said they met during the day while my h was at work and he claims that she was surprised but happy to see him. What's the big deal? H didn't have control of the situation so I'm to blame. What h doesn't know is that I didn't know that ow's h was meeting her either. He seems to be accepting the fact that his w is bonkers and isn't causing any trouble for either of them.
Our Anniversary is coming up shortly so maybe that has his knickers in a twist. I was actually going to give him a card (without the mushy stuff) but I think I'll cross that off my list of things to do. Why do they do these things around holidays? Must be the pain and guilt that they feel.
I have been watching the finances very closely. Nothing out of the ordinary yet and hopefully there won't be. Most of the money is still locked into long term investments. If he is angry enough, he won't care about that so I will continue to watch and take immediate action if I see anything out of the ordinary. I have an attorney that I use for other financial matters that will advise me if necessary.
I haven't found your most recent thread so I have no idea what's going on in your world. It must be buried pretty deep! HA! I had to dig to find my own thread.
I'll be back when I have more time to post my oldest daughter's reaction when she met the ow on her visit home during Christmas.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
They tend to go a bit whacky around holidays, anniversaries, etc. Why? Because they are reminders of what they left behind and most of those events were very happy times for them. They become very miserable around those special times and what better way to remind us that they are still out there...but by being a bit off the wall and doing things such as acting out more than usual.
It's very normal mlc script behavior.
If you want to give him the card, then by all means do so. I wouldn't allow his childish behavior ruin your anniversary. I would do something special for myself that day regardless of whether or not he recognizes the day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I absolutely agree with what you said about the 'ease' and normality of divorce. It wrecks lives, and I think that the demise of long marriages needs a special look.
I didn't realise that you had no knowledge of OWs husband meeting up with OW. How could it be your fault? Even if your husband divorces you, will OW divorce her husband, and if they did divorce how can your husband control their meeting? It is crazyland
My xh would meet me regularly if I was prepared to see him - never mind what OW thinks.. How does OW feel about your h swinging by to see you?
Watch the money - and make sure he isn't squirreling stuff away. I am pretty sure my xh did that before he let me.
Thanks Job and Bea. He mentioned to me a few weeks ago that he was thinking of taking a get-away trip this month so I expected another run away trip as he did on Thanksgiving and Christmas. What I wasn't expecting was a threat! Thanks for reminding me WHY they do this and that it's normal behavior.
I'm still thinking about the Anniversary card. What do I have to lose? I want him to know that our years together mean something to me. I know, I'm overthinking this.
A question for both of you. My stomach is in knots right now and I'm not sure if I should call, send an email, text him or let it go. I want to clear the air about the ow's h and his visit but I don't feel that it would make a difference to him. Will it seem defensive? Will it change his mind, do more damage? When in doubt, do nothing, right?
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I, personally, wouldn't do anything about clearing the air. Why? Because he's not going to listen and/or believe a word you say at this time. You have no control over what the ow's husband does or doesn't do. So, let your h figure that one out.
When in doubt...do nothing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, Thanks, I was thinking along the same lines as to what the ow's h does and doesn't do. None of my (or my h's) business. My h's reaction is his need to control every aspect of every situation right now.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
