Blues, it sounds like you are getting there with detachment, but I think that when you are numb, sometimes it wears off for a bit, so don't be surprised if the feelings of hurt come back at some point.
I was thinking the other day about how my H cried when he told the kids that he was moving out. (Even though he lied and told them he was coming back in six months.) I couldn't reconcile how he could be THAT upset, but still do it. And what I think the answer is, is that he was crying for himself. Not for his children, or the harm he is doing to them, or even that he is going to miss them. But because he has to sit there in an uncomfortable position seeing the hurt on their faces.
Maybe I am being mean and not giving him the benefit of the doubt, but there is just nothing else that makes sense. So last time it happened, I really felt so much compassion for him, and how much he must be hurting, and how awful it would be. This time, when he tells them, I am saving my compassion for my children.
Anyway, didn't mean to make this about me. My point was, who the heck knows what your H is thinking or why he is doing what he's doing. None of it makes any sense. Just try to stay off his roller coaster.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
