Another suggestion - consult a good divorce attorney, preferably one who specializes in father's rights.
I'm not saying to file for divorce - but you NEED to find out where you stand, and what you can do to protect your rights as a father.
You need to tread carefully here. W may be trying to provoke you to set you up for a false domestic violence claim or some such.
I see lots of people telling you to kick her out of the house, but I imagine that's not legal. Find out what your LEGAL rights are, how you might be able to get her to move out of the house and leave you there with the boys.
And focus on your finances so that you have options if it does come down to a divorce.
Right now, W cannot miss you. If you can lovingly approach her and say "Look, W, it's clear that you are very unhappy staying in this relationship with me. I love you enough to set you free. Separating will of course require some financial adjustments. Here's my spreadsheet of how you could move to the rental house. "
I'm not trying to encourage (or discourage) you from divorcing. It's entirely possible that she might come back after a separation. If she was a wonderful wife until recently, she may just be going through a serious mental illness. But if she won't let you help her, the outcome is the same. Sometimes facing the reality of being a divorced single parent is the only thing that starts to wake people up.
You don't have to put up with her behavior unless you choose to. I understand you wanting to keep your family together for your kids, but it's also not good for them to live with this level of craziness and tension.
W may be trying to provoke you to set you up for a false domestic violence claim or some such.
Agree or get you to leave. Almost like I will wear you down so that you pack your chit and leave. Since KML brought up the legal topic....I would not leave. Doing so is legal abondonment. Trust me, any attny would tell her to file a pendi lite motion, which would mean that you would be responsible for the household bills even though you do not live there. So do not leave the house.
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I see lots of people telling you to kick her out of the house, but I imagine that's not legal. Find out what your LEGAL rights are, how you might be able to get her to move out of the house and leave you there with the boys.
Agree in part. Although it may not be legal and chances are that it is not- throwing her as* out (if YOU decide to do that) would at least tell her that you will not tolerate her behavior. I would say find out what legally you can and cannot do. Given what you have written, you in the house with the kids is probably the best sitch for the kids.
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focus on your finances so that you have options
Agreed. Any income and DEBTS incurring during a legal marriage are JOINT income and debts. If she is racking up credit card debit you may be liable for it. So find out where you stand. if need be run a credit report on both of you.
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If you can lovingly approach her and say "Look, W, it's clear that you are very unhappy staying in this relationship with me. I love you enough to set you free.
Agree 100%...make sure the kids are not around and that if you have this convo that you are emotionally prepared.
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Separating will of course require some financial adjustments. Here's my spreadsheet of how you could move to the rental house. "
Disagree. First you are not her father. She is not stupid (may be acting like an idiot but I doubt she is generally stupid). I also think putting together a spreadsheet is not YOU place. If she is leaving then she can figure it out. If she has figured out how to have an affair she can figure out how to take care of herself. That said, if she is receptive to packing up and leaving and seems calm and workable, then I think a spreadsheet could work.
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It's entirely possible that she might come back after a separation.
Absolutly. A separation does not mean divorce. And maybe in your case is what the two of you need. So if you still want to save this...do not look at separation as the end. YOU say when it is over - no one else.
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You don't have to put up with her behavior unless you choose to. I understand you wanting to keep your family together for your kids, but it's also not good for them to live with this level of craziness and tension.
Agree 100%
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posted by AJ…….”if for no other reason that I deserve better than that and I know it”
This ^^^^ comes from the “work”…it comes when you really know who YOU are. When you finally face FEAR, when you finally say…”I matter”. When you get to a place that you do not need anyone else to validate YOU, your views….when you really just LOVE yourself.
For the record, I am not suggesting you throw her out. That is not my place – I do think YOU need to determine what is acceptable to YOU. I will support whatever you decide to do….and just remember…sometimes doing nothing is doing something.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Whatever you decide. We are here for you. Take it easy and the answer will come.
And, if you decide to stay, consider giving it a set amount of time--3 months? Before you reconsider again.
Maybe taking some time would give you a chance to put things in order, visit an attorney, think about living arrangements and custody, etc...
I know you are weary. I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I agree with what Eric wrote below:
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If you can lovingly approach her and say "Look, W, it's clear that you are very unhappy staying in this relationship with me. I love you enough to set you free.
Agree 100%...make sure the kids are not around and that if you have this convo that you are emotionally prepared.
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First you are not her father. She is not stupid (may be acting like an idiot but I doubt she is generally stupid). I also think putting together a spreadsheet is not YOU place. If she is leaving then she can figure it out. If she has figured out how to have an affair she can figure out how to take care of herself. That said, if she is receptive to packing up and leaving and seems calm and workable, then I think a spreadsheet could work.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
When I was in your shoes I broke my actions, in regards to the X, into two areas. One being the DB work I was doing and the other being business....or the legal ramifications of everything that was going on.
Business- As has been mentioned...going to consult a lawyer is the responsible thing to do. Now that doesn't equate to a divorce, just protecting your interests. Since you live in NC.....I also suggest that you mention that you believe your wife is having an affair. If you are given the blah about a community state.....remind the lawyer about the criminal conversation and alienation of affection torte laws in North Carolina (sorry people from other states...not many states have these laws anymore). If things get real ugly (see Floyd's thread) such laws may help with custody, etc.
DB- Dude, your wife is MLC. These things usually take years....not months. The truth is...when things start going fast with stuff then you should start worrying....not until then.
There is so much good advice above, I will not add more.
But I will ask...are truly...completely...done?
I don't think you are, but I am occasionally wrong.
Ah, my friend, I know this is hard, confusing and frustrating. But I also know you, who you are, what you are made of.
I have told you that you need to figure out a way to handle this because you do not want to leave the house or your kids.
We have talked about setting a boundary regarding your boys. If she gets pis$ed, she gets pis$ed. Right now you are the one that needs to protect them because she isnt capable.
The done feeling, yea, I get that, too. As long as you have this much passion, you arent there.
But put that aside because it doesnt serve you well right now. You can decide if you are or not another day.
Right now you need to get your stuff together to figure out what you need to do in order to stay true to who you have become.
Oh, and your boys, they know, J. They know. Be who they need, who they deserve. Be that man.
And you know, I am in your corner, no matter what you decide. Always.
Wanted to pop in and say....I hope you are having a better day.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I'm not sure that JF actually said that he was done, although I may have missed that...
I think he is just in that place (and all y'all know what I mean here), where he is just tired of dealing with this...
Hopefully, he will awake this morning with a renewed vigor for the subtleties of MLC, and a renewed outlook on what HE needs to do to navigate this maze that is called Mid Life.
So Eric, it may be too early to go through his old threads and find all of the quotes on how he will stand forever, and won't give up. That might be the "next" I'm done : )
Now, JF....
Usually, when one is too focused on the outcome, it draws them into a vortex of self pity and misguided anger.
You will ebb and flow through these fleeting feelings of being done, wait, now I'm not. Oh, I think I am...
Then, Nope, I'm in it for the long haul...F her...I am DONE...I think...
You will realize that YOU can control this through looking into your fears, and realizing that none of this is really about you, it is only directed towards you.
It's hard not to take it personally....right ?
These times, when the venom flows as easily as it has recently, drags YOU back down into the mud-pit. She NEEDS you to be this person so that she can stand up and scream " I told you so". The more that you remain you, the harder she will try.
Chances are, that she is feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over what she is/has done, and she thinks that she needs you to be down on her level. She feels inferior to what you have become, and that bothers her....very much.
In reality, what she really needs, is to see the character of the Man that you are becoming. She needs that stability in her life. She is watching JF, make no mistake about it. Although when she sees you living your actions (instead of just more words), she feels that she doesn't measure up, and part of the time, it will leave her isolated in the bedroom texting. The other part of the time, it will allow her to be SuperMom with your boys.
Find you, when the times seem the worst. Let the "new" you guide you through this turbulence. Discard all of those old attachment feelings and realize that this is your new reality.
And it will be your new reality, right up until it isn't anymore.
You can stand today, and be done tomorrow. The beauty is that YOU are allowed to change your mind too....
Dig deeper my friend, and find out what it is that allows you to be taken away from what you really believe in...
Find out why you feel the need to engage her when the spew starts...
Take the time to really define what you want in life, in a relationship, and what you expect from yourself.
Work toward positive goals...not on what once was....
JF, dude, my friend, listen up ^^^^^^^ ...these are the guys who I read before I registered and started posting, these guys ^^^^^, got me to THINK, PLAN, DIG. Some of the stuff I didn't get for a long time...heck, even now Mach can send me into a neuron mis-fire fit.
I had issues accepting some of the stuff, naturally, especially this stuff:
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You will realize that YOU can control this through looking into your fears, and realizing that none of this is really about you, it is only directed towards you.
It's hard not to take it personally....right ?
These times, when the venom flows as easily as it has recently, drags YOU back down into the mud-pit. She NEEDS you to be this person so that she can stand up and scream " I told you so". The more that you remain you, the harder she will try.
Chances are, that she is feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over what she is/has done, and she thinks that she needs you to be down on her level. She feels inferior to what you have become, and that bothers her....very much.
In reality, what she really needs, is to see the character of the Man that you are becoming. She needs that stability in her life. She is watching JF, make no mistake about it. Although when she sees you living your actions (instead of just more words), she feels that she doesn't measure up, and part of the time, it will leave her isolated in the bedroom texting. The other part of the time, it will allow her to be SuperMom with your boys.
Find you, when the times seem the worst. Let the "new" you guide you through this turbulence. Discard all of those old attachment feelings and realize that this is your new reality.
And it will be your new reality, right up until it isn't anymore.
You can stand today, and be done tomorrow. The beauty is that YOU are allowed to change your mind too....
Guess what? As W has moved through, in and out, up down and spiralling around the tunnel...all that ^^^, she has disclosed to me at several points.
So, they are on to something, eh?
My friend, you can do this. Not for W, right now. But for your kiddos, and yourself.
Hang in there, and you know how to reach me. That is still offered.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
