This, That and The Other

[labug]

I'm going to try and make my response brief because these are really big, multifactorial issues.

I think there were 3 questions, the one above and do I equate depression with cancer and can people give boundaries to people with cancer (or people with other illnesses).

For the first question, depression does affect the family a friends and there are a lot of good studies that indicate this. Spouses who are married to partners with depression have an increase in depression and stress. This leads to an increase in stress-related illness. There is also a 9 (I think that's the number) fold increase in divorce in marriages with a depressed spouse. I guess that's the ultimate boundary.

Children are also affected by a parents depression and have various behavioral and stress issues, including depression of their own. We could also link the effects of divorce on children to this. There studies that show the negative effect of PPD on the cognitive, social and physical development of infants/young children.

In a marriage where depression is a factor that is negatively affecting the family and the spouse is in denial or refuses to get treatment, I think it is acceptable to have a boundary that protects the family. If my H had an STD, I would have a boundary until he got treated and had a test of cure. If I lived with someone with a communicable disease, there would be a boundary until they were successfully treated. Why would we treat depression differently

In the case of depression, I would get guidance and support from a T.

About depression and cancer...this one brought back memories cause I pulled out that chestnut with my H when he dropped the bomb "If I had cancer would you leave me? I'm depressed, I can't help it!" Yeah, I got all victimy.

He did exactly what he needed to do to protect him and to wake me up to how far in a hole I was. I was a depressed, angry, resentful b!tch. I was already in T but his boundary made me take a really long, honest look at myself and kick it into high gear.

Cancer itself doesn't make people be disrespectful to other people but depression can result from cancer treatment, pain and the prognosis. We have to compare apples to apples, not cancer to depression but rather depression to depression. Cancer patients can become abusive. Caretakers often have to have boundaries about verbal, and even physical, abuse. There's lots of stuff out there about caretaker stress and there is also some support for families of people with cancer. There's very little support for families of people with depression.

The bottom line is, no one has to live with abuse. Being ill with anything doesn't confer carte blanche to abuse others. The way we deal with people who abuse is to set and enforce strong, clear boundaries.