I'm at a difficult point I never thought I would come to in my marriage. My wife is in physical and emotional affair with a co-worker. She said she will not stop seeng him, but not sure about future with him. He's seven yrs younger than her and a low employee at her office. She's still in full sexual relationship with this OM and told me she won't stop until she's ready to stop.
Let me explain how all this got started. WW and I were married 8 years ago. We were in love and had a 3yrs old daughter after 4 year of marriage. Our marriage is a little complicated due to the distance between us. We spent the first 2yrs apart because of her choice to go to school in a foreign country. She came back to the state after completing the first step of her program. We spent the next 1 year together at home like every other traditional family. she also used the opportunity to Prepared for her professional exam. It took her sometime to pass the exam and had to move to another state for 1 year to complete half of the the second leg of her degree. I visit her every month and pay all the bills, including clothing, shoes and living expenses. She was home for another 3month after completing the 1st year of the second part of her degree, she had to move to another state to complete the last part of her degree.
I was there for her financially and emotionally. I paid all the bills and travel to see her every month. She was home after completing the last part of her degree. I was excited and was looking forward to finally living more like a traditional family. The turn around came when she was rejected to train With her peers due to low score from one of her professional exams. She was depress and moody. I encourage her and reassure her that everything will be okay. We also pray together every night. 1 month after getting this bad news she was offered a fellowship position that will require her to move to another state and also help her join her peers in training. We prayed about it and had some serious conversation on how all this back and forth could affect our marriage. She reassured me that everything will be okay. I supported her and told her to go for it. I supported her finically because the job pay little or nothing. I bought her a brand new car, pay for the day care and other expenses. Her moving this time around was a little different because she had to move with our 3month old little girl. I continued with my usual routine of visiting every month for 1 year.
We finally got some good news last year regarding where she will be going for her training. I drove her for the interview and promise to move with her this time around. We had a good trip, we talked about the future and raising our daughter together. I was happy for her and looking forward to the big day. She spent another week at home after the interview. Everything seems okay. We visited family and friends but only got intimate once. Anyway we had some problem with that. She was more of a freak when we first got married. We get intimate almost everyday . Sometime morning and night. I first notice the draw back from her after the stress of her not able to join her peers for training. We went from getting intimate everyday to once a week. I never complained but supportive because of the stress of her not able to join her peers for training.
She had 4month left on her contract and had to go back to finish her fellowship last November. I immediately saw the shift a week after she left home. She told me about some guy that just got hired in her office. She told me the guy is full of himself and arrogant. I laugh it off and simple told her she like the guy jokingly. She replied by saying no way. I'm married and he's not my type.
Well my world and family came crumbling last December. I spoke to her briefly that afternoon and told her I'll be calling her once I get home from work to buy her and my daughter plane ticket to come home for Christmas. I called/text multiple times without any response that evening. She finally called me back 4hrs later. All I got was "sorry, I saw you called. You can do 5pm for the airline ticket. I'll call you later" I did not hear from her for the rest of the evening . She called me the next day and try engaging me in some small talk. I politely asked her what happened night before and why is she just calling me back. She was very quiet, so I ask her what's going on. She said nothing.
The next thing she said was mind blowing. "I don't think there's anything you can do to make make happy" So I asked her where all this's coming from. I asked if she's seeing another guy. Once again, she gave me the silent treatment and later said yes. We argue all day that Saturday. I asked her what I did wrong for her to disrespect me by talking to another man. She said sorry my feeling just change, and gave me the I love you but not in-love with you anymore crap. I was devastated. I cried and end up drinking too much that night. She claimed she was worried about me and called the cops that night from another state. I end up getting out of my house to avoid the cops from coming to my home. Anyway the cops find me and took me to the hospital because I've too much liquor in my system. I spent the night at the hospital while my wife talk all night with OM. She called her parent to come get me the next day because mobile crises was called and can only allow me to go home with family.
My wife came home two days after the incident and all we did was argue because of what happened. I've a 8 to 5 job but on call two three times a week. My wife spent hours talking to OM while am at work trying to provide for her and my daughter. The whole situation got worse one night she asked me if she could call him 11:30pm at night. I told her that will never happen. She asked if she could go outside and called OM. I was angry but told her to do whatever she chose, just to create a calm atmosphere between both of us. and my 3yrs old.
My wife returned back to where she work and affair continue. She told me she enjoy talking to him but they haven't had sex yet. Had to believe right. This's a woman who bought another phone when she was home to communicate with OM . Anyway, I was able to get some bad stuff on this guy through snooping and private investigator. I told my wife about it and she promise never to speak to him again. It's was all lies In fact they have become even closer and crazy about each other.
I finally got my answer last Sunday. The worst day of my life came to me while visiting her and my daughter last weekend. We both agreed that I'll take a cab from the airport and also stay in a hotel. She came to the hotel with my daughter that afternoon to take me out to eat. I was sad but kept my cool, I was not able to eat. I sat there and could hardly look at straight in the face. Her demeanor was different. She asked irrelevant question and give fake compliment. She took me back to the hotel and stayed for only 15mins. She told me she won't be staying with me at the hotel and I should spend time with my daughter alone. I told her okay. Unknown to me that she was leaving us at the hotel to go spend the night with OM. She called me next morning and asked if we need anything for breakfast. I told her NO, but she insist on bringing us some food to eat. Immediately she walked in I knew something was terribly wrong with her appearance. I asked her for the car keys so I can take the new car seat I bought for my daughter downstairs. She said No, and insist on going down stairs with me to the car. I finally agreed. I snoop around and couldn't find anything. We went back upstairs and she decided to lay down. Something tells me to go back to the car and check the trunk Immediately I opened the trunk I saw a bag with overnight cloth, underwear and another cell phone. I was shaking and crying. I turned the phone on and I saw the most damaging evidence. Text about how She enjoy having sex with him and what he will like to do to him when next he sees him. They have sex in the one bedroom apartment she share with my daughter and also at his place. They share food, drink and everything. She even share part of her prescription with him because they were both coughing from doing.......some crazy staff to each other. I was hot. I went upstairs crying and upset. I confronted her and asked to tell me the truth. She finally told me everything. That she had sex with him like 25times, in fact she said a lot in 2month. She also said she went on a date with another guy from work before him, but nothing happened. I cried and couldn't help it in front of my little girl. She said she was lonely and couldn't control her feeling for this young man. She end up walking out with my daughter. She called the next day after talking to her family and said she want a divorce.
Let me give your some fact about her family. Her brother is married with kids but cheat on the wife with multiple women. Her dad does the same and her mother cheated on the dad in the past.
Her and OM also got a 44k Car out of me during this whole craziness. She talked me into buying a new car for her, not knowing her and OM planned the scheme together.
I'm not from here and no family around. So it's very difficult to cope with all this. My sister passed that Sunday night and that didn't deter her from caring for this guy. She was never there for me. She told me to go read some book and stop contacting her.
I know this woman is bad for me but I'm still in love with her. I want a good life for my daughter and I honestly want her back. I need serious help because the only way I can cope now is with drinking everyday. I just got suspended from my job for messing up my patient note. I'm not focus and could hardly think. Her family don't want anything to do with me now, her dad is the only one that call. He only called because I gave him 100k 2yrs ago when his business was going down. I haven't got a dime back but story different on other investment.
I need some serious advice and how to go about things with this woman. I'm losing my mind and confused about everything. She said she want to be my friend and also help me go through this difficult time. I told her no way. You can do all this and expect me to be your friend. Communication with her and OM as gotten even more crazy. They text/talk multiple times a day. They pretty much hang out everyday she told me she enjoy sleeping with him and won't stop it until the affair run his course. I don't know what else to do at this point. I made some mistake by going after her, begging and getting emotional in front of her. I did not have anybody to Advice me until I found this website. Pls help me! Losing my mind and everything I work hard for.
Unfortunately there is really nothing you can do to end her affair or convince her to come back to you, she has to decide that for herself. Your living arrangements trying to make this work long distance were obviously a big part of your undoing, so if you get a chance to put this back together you're going to have to fix that.
In the meantime, I recommend you set up an appointment with a DB Coach on this site, they will help you a lot. Secondly, buy and read the book "The Divorce Remedy" and follow the guidance. Finally, look up "Sandy's 37 Rules" and start using those to guide your actions immediately.
You want to avoid begging, pleading, shaming, or argument. None of it will work. Your best bet right now is to give her space and start building a lift for yourself. You need her to see you as stable, confident, emotionally healthy and happy, a guy with a life worth sharing.
Let us know if you have specific questions or need specific guidance.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
There will be others along soon (Cadet and Sandi2)...if they don't, then find their posts about the stage of the game you are in. Listen to wheat their posts say as it is very important.
I will say this....The drinking has to stop NOW. Drinking to relieve pain is no good for you or your situation.
I agree with LFW. If you cant stop drinking on your own, seek out the help of a professional/therapist. Do not make the situation worse. The last thing that you want is to give your W evidence to keep your D away from you. You need to get yourself together for YOU and YOUR D.
Thanks a lot for the advice. I'll order my book tonight and work on giving her space by not calling or texting. A little difficult for me to swallow knowing my wife is sleeping with OM multiple times a week. I've turned to some joke around them. She pass insult at me when she's around OM and told me to get a life. All she does now is lie about everything. I called her earlier today and she told me not to ever call her again. All this in front of OM. This has being going on for 2month now. Do I need to speak to a lawyer? She said she's not sure if she want divorce, but that was out of the window after I found out she was selling with OM. She told me she want a divorce now and ready to move with her life. We both agreed to take D of the table yesterday, but her whole conversation with me is more like a friend and not couple. She want me in the friend zone while she figure things out with OM. I called OM at the beginning of this, but I got was denier. I need some advice on how to go about this. I'm sick to my stomach knowing she's giving a body this young man. Does affair with a young man ever result to full bloom relationship? She's telling me she really like him and want more from him. I'm also afraid she might introduce my daughter to this guy.
Thanks for the advice. I hardly drink before all this problem Came knocking at my door. I Drink at home and not around my daughter. I've stopped the drinking but this woman is doing me wrong with her actions. She insult me daily around OM and tells me to get a life. She told me not to ever call her today while having lunch with OM. I've never seen a cold heartless woman that will do all this to man grieving the lost of his sister. Her email to my sister Is carefully drafted. None of family reach out to me to see how doing but always want something from me when everything was okay.
Thanks for the advice. I completely agree that the drinking need to stop.this's taking a toll on me and everything around me. I'm confused and don't know what to do at this point. Very hard for me to swallow that my wife is sleeping with another man multiple time a week. She denied this for two month, but okay for her to say she enjoy sleeping with him now.
I'm trying to give space and work on myself. But she pretty much allows this young OM to control her and tells her what to do. She told me never to call her again, while having donut she used my money to buy for her and OM. She said I can text her if I've anything to say.
She wants nothing to do with me anymore. She's already announcing the news to all her friends. She said she only want to be my friend a week ago, But that's of the table now. Looking at wedding picture around the house bother me a lot. Any advice on how to go about this?
