I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

I am just going to vent for a moment. I am sooo pissed off. Wife has started texting me, and that's fine. Mostly just simple questions, like if I have an appointment, or hope my tattoo goes well today. Nice things but casual. The this afternoon, I get, "Hope it goes well, i'm not sure I remembered to tell you in my morning note that I'd be out tonight, I'll be home tomorrow night." It was like that one text, just ruined my day. I got angry, and still am. This is the 2nd time this week, she has gone there. It was like once a week or so. So knowing she was going a 2nd time. I am feeling just soo....well all the feelings I have about her continuing the affair just come right to the surface.

All the questions and paranoia I have. She must be going to stay with him. They are probably going to have sex. How could she be doing this to me? How can she be living under the same roof as I am? How is she acting like everything is ok? She cant really feel comfortable in our house. How is she so, emotionless about that? She is slipping away. I don't get it. And what, I am supposed to just stay here and hold down the fort? BS! I mean, its winter and we have lots of snow and cold. I am not going out in this.

The thought has crossed my mind though. I mean the temptation to say, well then I am going to go out and have my own affair. Or maybe a one night stand. Or maybe I will go out and hit up a strip club. I wont do any of these things. But it just [censored]! And trying to remain patient, letting whatever that is, run its course, just seems so unfair and abusive to me. I don't deserve this! I know that! I am stuck between, holding onto hope, and wanting her to come back, and feeling like telling her to hit the road. I am trying, and it is taking every ounce of my being to keep my mouth shut. I responded to her text just saying that I hope my appointment goes well too. I know I need to give her space. I need to not focus on her or D, or OM. Man is easier said than done sometimes. It takes something like today to just make me fall.

I picked up some sushi, my favorite food, something I usually don't get to eat because she hates fish. I will probably watch a movie, maybe call some family. Do something I enjoy. Try to focus on that instead of her. Maybe vent a little here, lol.

Trying not to plan, or worry about what is ahead. Pretend that what she is doing is non existent. Wipe her from my thoughts tonight. I know there is nothing I can do about her right this moment. What I can do is focus on me. Maybe read another chapter of DR. I am sure most ppl say they wish the WAW would read these books too. I know it is for me, but some parts, I am just like "maybe if she read this she would see!" Taking a deep breath. I had to vent here. Felt like I was going to explode. Even after taking an hour and shoveling snow, I was still ramped up. I don't feel like crying. I just feel, broken down, worn out, completely unmotivated to do anything. Had to force myself to go get the food. Was going to skip that, but decided, I should do something for me. Why should she get to go out and have fun with OM, and I get nothing.

I don't know. I guess I just need to get back to me, right now, and what I, will do right now. I am angry typing right now, but even that is getting softer as I write this. I just am so not used to being alone. It has been so long. Hard not to think, "where is my other half? Oh yeah! What am I going to do tonight? I wont be spending time with her. I just miss her. Even when she is here. I am doing well with not letting her see that when she is here. Both verbally or through body language. I just focus on something good, and that's what gets me through. I project high energy and happiness with stuff. If I see something funny and laugh, I don't make a point to make sure she see's it too. I just move on and that's it.

Ok, I feel a little better, going to take a break here. Se if there is anything good on, on demand. Thanks.