I'm starting to think that maybe I just don't know how to answer these questions the way you guys want me to.
There are no right or wrong answers. The answers are what ever they are for you.
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My plan is to be the kind of man I want to be. I live the part every day now. I compliment my W, I hug and kiss her often, I get her coffee in the morning, I help with the dishes, we compete in Jeopardy every night, we actually talk about how our day went. I'm doing all the things that I never used to do and enjoy doing them because they make me happy. I'm not just doing them because its what my W has wanted all along.
I like your plan. Just be you... the new you. The man any woman would love to have as her partner. What else can you do? She'll either accept you or she won't. You'll be ok either way. No offense meant to anyone, but I honestly think some people want to make this a little more difficult than it needs to be.
You need to be confident and proceed from there. Not second guessing your every move.
But then again, I don't claim to be an expert, so maybe I'm just talkin' out my backend.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
That is a much better reply to our questions....and the one I was hoping for. As FY said, there is no right and wrong just how you get there.
Look at the statements you made today and the one I referenced previously....Notice how the whole tone changed. The older statement was basically saying I am willing to let something or other happen. This newer one said this is how I am going to make it happen.
The shift in your mentality is subtle, the rewards are very different for each.
It was all lies again!!!!! W is texting him again as of this morning!! I asked W if we could share the phone records from now and she totally wigged out. Saying I thought this was over, I cant believe you dont trust me! I told you I dont want to talk to him anymore and I havent. If I have to show you the records I'm leaving. I blocked his number!
What do I do?? I feel like I'm going to throw up right now! I was so happy last night thinking we were moving on now this. I dont know if I can take this anymore.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
Now is when you need to start enforcing that boundary of yours. Look her straight in the eye and tell her that you are going to give her one last chance to tell you the truth. Tell her to show you phone records and if she still doesn't or act like how she has, pack up her things and drop them off at the OM's house.
You need to do something drastic like that to show that you mean business.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Why do I have to love her so much? This is killing me right now, but I fear you are right. After how much I believed her last night. She knows she is busted. That's why she is threatening to leave if she has to show me the records. The records will not lie. I'm not leaving the house again. I guess I just have to pray she really loves me and wants to make this work.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
I need to run to a meeting so I will respond a little later. For now...just breath. Don't call her. Don't push. Do nothing.
Sometimes doing nothing is doing something.
You are not alone!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Listen to Eric...Breathe...Slow down the pounding in your chest and head.
So why do you think she is talking with the OM again? At first it read like you caught her texting him (actually visibly seeing or snooping on her phone) and then it seemed like you were accusing her because she wouldn't share the phone records.
Each is different...in it's own way.
As Mr. Bond said...If she is merrily texting away after your conversation, Then a boundary needs to be put in place. Are you ready for that? Boundaries are only as strong as the person putting them up.
If you are coming to the conclusion that texting is going on because she won't share the phone records.....Well that is different.
Was it? How do you know that. My guess is that you are looking at your cell phone provider on line and can see who and when she texts or calls. So how do you know what it is?
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I dont know if I can take this anymore
This goes to what LFW was trying to say to you. Mach pointed the same thing out. IMO, your actions are based on hers – period. So you are “reacting” to what she does instead of doing what YOU need or want to do for YOU. I know that some of this may not make sense to you right now. But stop for a second and ask yourself what is it that you really want and (here is the hard part) – what are you willing to do to achieve your goals?
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I guess I just have to pray she really loves me and wants to make this work.
What does loving you look like? Seriously, what does she need to do to make YOU feel loved and appreciated? Additionally, what does she need from you? Have you both been very clear about it to each other or have you both ASSUMED you knew what each other really wanted/need? Personally, in my M – neither of us knew how to communicate. Neither of us knew how to really listen. I am not saying that she is right doing what she is doing – but have you really listened to her? Are you sure that she understand what it is that she needs and wants?
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You need to do something drastic like that to show that you mean business.
I agree with Mr. Bond BUT I am not sure that today is the day to do that. You are too emotional right now. You are hurt and you have every right to be hurt. Do you know what a lion does when it is hurt?
A lion when hurt will separate itself from the pack – separate itself from danger. While separated it lays down and licks its wounds. It heals itself. It plans it’s next steps – carefully. Then when healed and when ready it joins the pack. Having learned it lesson and having healed itself. Right now, you are wounded. It is not the time to attack. Not today.
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I'm not leaving the house again
Good and you should not. Nor should your D go with her.
Indigo we all want to help you…to do so..we need your help. We need you to really take a long hard look at the questions and start answering them.
For what it is worth – I am sorry man. I’ve been there. The pain is going to feel unbearable for a bit. It will go away though…that much I can promise you.
I’ll be back in a bit.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I know for a fact she is, I would not confront her on it if I did not. To feel loved and make this work we need to be open and honest with each other. Not for the second time in a week look me in the eye and lie to me. That is what hurts the most, just last night she looked me in the eye and said it was over. That she was 100% committed to us. That she did not even want to talk to OM anymore. That even her friends told her why he appealed to her and that it would never work in the long run. That he makes not money and could never give her the life she wants. All these reasons and yet here I am.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
